


Letter to you

by lezfricklefrackle



Category: The 100 (TV), clexa - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Blood and Violence, Clarke, Clexa, Cliffhanger, Cute, Cutting, Dark, Death, Depression, Dirty Jokes, Disturbing Themes, Drama & Romance, Erotic, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Family, Father-Daughter Relationship, Feelings, Flirting, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friendship, Fucking, Girl Power, Girls Kissing, Kissing, LGBTQ Themes, Lesbians, Letters, Love, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Pervert, Romance, Romantic Fluff, Rough Sex, Sad, Sadness, Self-Harm, Sex, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Sweet, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, Teenagers, Triggers, Uncle-Niece Relationship, Violence, alycia debnam carey - Freeform, dirty - Freeform, eliza taylor jane, friends - Freeform, girls, lexa - Freeform, personal, secret, thoughts, triggering, xxx
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-02
Updated: 2017-09-08
Packaged: 2018-09-27 21:37:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 25
Words: 41,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10052108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lezfricklefrackle/pseuds/lezfricklefrackle
Summary: A white sheet of paper. Just a simple letter. But oh god how much it changed Clarke's life as she picked it up.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> !!!WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!
> 
> This fanfic contain alot of depression and self-harm. It may be triggering you but if you need some Clexa Fanfic to tame your love for them, then go on and read it.
> 
> If you ever feel down and need someone to talk about your problems or get any distractions, feel free to message me over IG, Tumblr, FB:
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/lezfricklefrackle/  
> https://www.facebook.com/shiah.jung  
> http://am-i-playing.tumblr.com/

 

The warm wind swirled itself around the petite body, twirling the soft blonde locks within. Her lips curved upwards into a gentle smile, her eyes closing as she enjoyed the lovely feeling of the summer breeze. Clarke gave out a long sigh of relief. She loved the changing seasons of a year but summer was her absolute favorite.

 

 

Opening her eyes again, she let her fingers caress the green ground beneath her, tickling herself with the head of the grass. Her blue eyes averted itself quickly to her hands as she felt some weird material, something harder than the familiar sensitivity.

 

 

Crooking her eyebrows, she picked up the folded paper and analyzed it. It was neatly folded, the white paper yet crumbled on a few places. It was probably lying next to her for a while now. The sheet of paper was so thin that made the blonde spot a very neat handwriting. She quickly unfolded the paper, only to close it again, hesitating. It was probably a letter to someone, she thought but she knew that curiosity itched in her fingers. Pressing down her lips, she looked from left to right, searching for a confirmation that was acted out as a figure watching her actions or something like that. Scanning the area and seeing nothing that would stop her from giving all her attention back to this odd sheet of paper, Clarke quickly tailored her legs and unfolded the paper before her, revealing something she expected.

 

 

The writing was properly set on it yet sometimes it was cracking, as if the writer was holding too hard onto the pencil. The blonde furrowed her eyebrows as she noticed a few small very dry spots. Her index finger gently slid over the spots, realizing how brittle it had become yet it was a sunny day and the last rain which occurred was two weeks ago.

 

 

Swiftly, her eyes darted to the top of the material in her hands, she slowly began to read it in silence:

 

 

_"I’m sitting here, alone. I feel like losing myself again and I’m afraid. This is slowly getting out of hand. I thought I had control over myself but it just keeps happening. I can’t tell anybody and I don’t want to tell anyone either. What am I suppose to do with my feelings, with my thoughts? They don’t shut up, they tell me to go on, to cut deeper. I can’t do this, I don’t want to lose this battle. Or am I already losing it? I don’t know, I’m so confused, please fucking help me. I can’t go on, I’m so tired.  
L. W."_

 

 

By the time Clarke reached the end, she felt her chest tightening, something silently and repeatingly punching into her heart, the pain spreading slowly all over her body. Water slowly collected itself in her now glistening eyes, threatening to fall before she let out a quick breath that she was holding in the whole time, lips parting.

 

 

Her hands fiddled with the paper, rapidly folding it again and throwing it back to the spot she found it. Sitting in silence, she bent her legs up, hugging it tightly, giving herself a comforting, consoling embrace, eyes looking into the distance. Clarke needed to calm down, to rest, to sit there in silence. Maybe the letter was not meant for her but it had no addresses. Nothing, only L. W. and she was certain that nobody ever sits under this tree.

 

 

It was her favorite place to be in this blooming garden and she came here often but whenever she came here, the spot was not taken. Even if the garden was crowded in summer, people tend to get themselves an either sunny or a shadowed spot and to let them engulf in the beauty of the nature which the garden gives off. Her place was just an in between of sunshine and shadows, a perfect combination of both. But she never ever saw anyone occupying her place.

 

 

Moving her head to the side, her eyes fixed itself on the white neatly folded paper once again, her arms now crossing over her knees. Clarke sighed, knowing that her curiosity and pity will be the death of her but she still let her hands guide her to the paper, picking it up and unfolding it again.

 

 

Biting down on her lips, she mumbled:

 

 

_“Who is L. W?”_

 

 

 

_End  of Chapter 1_


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~ Only a summary of the pre-chapter ~  
> Clarke sat under the tree and enjoyed the sunny day until she let her hands caress the green gras beneath her, feeling a rather hard material than the familiar feeling. The blonde found a white sheet of paper that was folded neatly and she hesitated but opened it anyway, reading its content. Who is L.W.?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!
> 
> This fanfic contain alot of depression and self-harm. It may be triggering you but if you need some Clexa Fanfic to tame your love for them, then go on and read it.
> 
> If you ever feel down and need someone to talk about your problems or get any distractions, feel free to message me over IG, Tumblr, FB:
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/lezfricklefrackle/  
> https://www.facebook.com/shiah.jung  
> http://am-i-playing.tumblr.com/

**Chapter 2**

 

 

Opening the front door, she quickly went into the house, warmth engulfing her. She kicked off her shoes in a swift move, not caring if it looks like someone had wildly thrown her shoes to the shoe cupboard. Loud thumping could be heard throughout the house as the blonde went upstairs, vanishing in her room and closing it with a loud thud.

 

 

Another feminine figure sat at the kitchen counter, eyes quickly averting from the newspaper before her to the loud noise coming from the corridor. Abby held her stare on the blank, beige wall of the corridor before she saw a smaller figure rushing up the stairs. “Hm?” She mumbled, questions marks clearly marked in her eyes and over her head. The loud noise of a door closing was the answer to her confusion before she laid the stack of paper down onto the cold surface, standing up and also following her daughter’s steps up to the second floor of the big house.

 

 

“Clarke?” Her voice was raspy yet soft, knuckles hitting the wooden door in a gentle way. No answer, no noises. Crooking her eyebrows, her hands took hold of the doorknob, twisting it with a uneasiness. As the door opened, revealing another blonde, the mother relaxed a bit as she saw her leaning against the comfy headboard, eyes traveling the material in her hands.

 

 

“You okay?” The girl pulled her attention away from the so-called letter to her mother, noticing the hidden worry in her eyes. She nodded her head, laying the paper to her side, clasping her hands together and asked: “Wait, I thought you’re working.” Her voice trailed off as the older woman took a few steps closer, leaving the door, stopping before the bed. Clarke promptly shielded her discovery, making the woman before her arching her eyebrows up. “I’m just having a day off but if they call me, then I have to be in the hospital again.” She paused. “What’s that behind your back?” Regretting her question that was preluded with curiosity, she bit down onto her cheeks. Clarke let out a sigh, knowing that she got caught and she just could not lie to her mother.

 

 

Fingers instantly travelled to the item, grabbing hold of it and bringing it up to her face, yet eyes never leaving the figure standing before her. “I..” She started, not exactly knowing what to tell her mother. “It’s a letter from my boyfriend.” Clarke blurted out, surprised by her own lie. Seeing the smile spreading on her mother’s face, she quickly faked one too, avoiding any further questions. The older woman nodded, leaning down to plant a kiss on the top of her head before making her way out of the room, closing the door behind her.

 

 

Clarke only rolled her eyes once she heard her mother heading downstairs, mocking herself and repeating the phrase she just said to her. She scoffed. Boyfriend? Who? Finn Collins? She chuckled lightly. Yes, she did make out with him a lot but he’s not her boyfriend or in any way like that. "Whatever" she thought and turned her attention to the paper again, unfolding and analyzing it.

 

 

“They tell me to go on, to cut deeper.” Clarke whispered, repeating the phrase, scrunching her eyebrows. What does this mean? Who told her to go on? The blonde had a few friends who suffered for a while when going through a breakup or something like that. She had heard of people who harm themselves, yet she never saw anyone or befriended anyone who had done this.

 

 

A sudden pang of guilt washed over her body as she trailed her eyes from her wrists down to her elbows. Slowly she imagined one straight line, then more untill her arms were covered in straight lines which followed a messy order, stacking up like someone would paint her arms in a rush. Biting down onto her cheeks, she could nearly imagine these cuts dilatorily opening itself, blood slowly and softly dripping out of her flesh, sliding down her arms and onto her bedsheet.

 

 

The material in her hands fell down with a soft, almost silent thud, laying before her, lifelessly. Clarke cupped her face in her hands, her tears threatened to fall again. Sometimes, she would love to just shut her feelings out because she could feel her heart yearning to hold the person in her arms, to hold them silently in a warm embrace, to just be there for them.

 

 

 

_End of Chapter 2_


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~Summary of the pre-chapter~  
> Clarke found a letter that was written by L.W. and took it home. Her mother came into her room after noticing her weird behavior and asked about the thing that she hid from her mother but only lied to her and called it a love letter by Finn Collins who is a boy she regularly made out with. Why was she lying? She did not know but she felt so much empathy for the stranger and all she wanted was to hold them as she imagined the cuttings on her own arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!
> 
> This fanfic contain alot of depression and self-harm. It may be triggering you but if you need some Clexa Fanfic to tame your love for them, then go on and read it.
> 
> If you ever feel down and need someone to talk about your problems or get any distractions, feel free to message me over IG, Tumblr, FB:
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/lezfricklefrackle/  
> https://www.facebook.com/shiah.jung  
> http://am-i-playing.tumblr.com/

 

 

_Chapter 3_

 

 

 

 

„Miss Griffin, would you please share your thoughts with the class?“ The blonde snapped her head back to the teacher as she heard her name. She was clearly off space, hands now fumbling with the edges of her notebook, head bowing slightly in shame. The older woman hissed at the unfocused girl and went back to her lesson.

 

 

Clarke looked out the window again. The white clouds hang onto the ocean blue sky, flying at a steady pace into an endless destination. The sun was shining brightly, almost too much for her eyes to bear yet she did not mind. Sometimes the cumulus would wrap the sunbeams into its own fluffy consistency as if it wanted to capture the brightness of the sun, as if it only wanted the sun for itself. But as minutes passed by, the sunbeams would fall back onto blue eyes, blinding her shortly and embracing her with warmth.

 

 

The bell rung, bringing her back to reality and she stood up, hurriedly packed her belongings into her bag. A few strands of hair fell to her side, blocking the view as two other lightly taller girls went into the classroom, smiling at the jokes they made earlier. Tipping the blonde’s shoulder, she moved her head to the direction, stopping for a short moment. Quickly, she smiled, her smile seeming wider than her cheeks as she showed her two best friends her white teeth. “Hey sexy mamas”

 

 

The joke earned her a playful slap onto her shoulders from both girls before they automatically made their way out of the slowly emptying classroom and into the now filling corridor of the college.

 

 

Clarke was a 20 years old girl. She was an ordinary girl, kept her friends close and her best friends even closer. Nobody hated her as she was not that popular. She lived her life without bothering others.

 

 

Raven squeezed the blonde’s arm, showing her teeth for a second before she waved goodbye and parted ways herself, slinging the bag over her shoulder once again before walking in a more confidently way, her ponytail bouncing from left to right. Clarke turned her attention back to the only one standing next to her, extending her arms as the other girl stepped closer to squeeze her tightly, both lingering for a second before parting again. “See you Octavia.” The named girl nodded her head, beaming a smile, and patted the shoulder of the blonde before also turning and walking away.

 

 

Clarke bowed her head, eyes boring into the cement under her feet. A long sigh escaped her lips as she gave her backpack a tight squeeze before one of her hands wandered down and tugged into the pocket of her shorts. The blonde half-heartedly chuckled, shaking her head as she felt the familiar particle between her fingers. Why did she even care?

 

 

Taking it out, blue eyes stared at the still neatly folded white sheet of paper. Her fingers slowly caressed the surface as if it was something holy, something deeply appreciated, deeply cared. Gritting her teeth, she once again sighed, now slower. Unsealing the hidden secret in her hands, she admired the neatly written letters.

 

 

Oh, how she admired the style of that handwriting. She loved how L. W. moved the pencil, how that person swung it so lightly and with ease when writing an “f” or an “h”. But when her eyes darted to the dry spots, the lovely bubble over her head seemed to pop, seemed to easily vanish as a low, silent pain spread through her heart. Clarke was sure that those were not any rain droplets. They were simply tears.

 

 

“L.W.” The blonde mumbled, lost in thoughts. Suddenly her eyes grew colder, lips trembling as her own tears threatened to fall onto the paper between her hands. She scoffed, gulped down as if she had to swallow the pain, as if she swallowed the sadness that the letter emitted to her hands and through her body.

 

 

Her head shot up, eyes blinking rapidly to hush the little droplets on the edge of her eyelids. She needed to know, needed to have an answer to her questions and she felt her legs dragging herself towards a certain place.

 

 

 

 

_End of Chapter 3_

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~ Summary of the prechapter ~  
> Clarke is a normal, average student, 20 years old. But on that day she did not really focus on the lesson and got yelled by her teacher. After she bid her best friends, Raven and Octavia, goodbye she quickly took the letter out of her pocket, reading and admiring it. But then the sadness struck her, making her literally run to a certain place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!
> 
> This fanfic contain alot of depression and self-harm. It may be triggering you but if you need some Clexa Fanfic to tame your love for them, then go on and read it.
> 
> If you ever feel down and need someone to talk about your problems or get any distractions, feel free to message me over IG, Tumblr, FB:
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/lezfricklefrackle/  
> https://www.facebook.com/shiah.jung  
> http://am-i-playing.tumblr.com/

**Chapter 4**

 

 

 

 

The girl was sweating heavily, not only because it was really hot outside. It was about +35 degrees outside and the sun was shining brightly. It was beaming, the warmth leaving tiny water droplets on her forehead as they slowly slid down her head to her chin. Her lips were apart, trying to catch any air she could get as she was moving fast through the busy streets in the afternoon.

 

 

Clarke was one who actually enjoyed watching and interacting with people but today every human who crossed her path annoyed her, pushing her adrenaline way higher with every passing minute. Her legs kept walking, kept pushing her body towards her destination but even if the walk from college to her destination was all too familiar, it seemed like it would take forever to get her there.

 

 

Still clutching onto the white material in her hands, she kept stomping. Her grip around the paper tightened as her mind wandered off again. Why was she even behaving like that? It has been days since she found this letter to no one. And there, she said it. It was addressed to no one, so why was she feeling so much?

 

 

Clarke was always one who felt too much. Who would choose heart over head. Who would simply feel sympathy towards a stranger who would open the door for her. The blonde would feel connected to a stranger once they smiled at her. Clarke simply loved the small gestures which made her build a relationship between her and a stranger. And she hated herself for that.

 

 

Maybe it was because she was a young girl, just a 20-year-old. She did not know much about the world. She only had her small space on earth with lovely parents who cared deeply for her and friends who gave her the best time of her life. She did not lack on anything because she basically had everything she wanted in her life.

 

 

Yet this letter, this single sheet of paper was nothing yet it gave her so many feelings. She felt connected to it. Maybe because she does not know how L.W. looked like. Was it a boy or a girl? Clarke sighed. Maybe it is because of the things that were written down. Maybe it was because the blonde did not know the person yet they were in some other physical world. She could not explain it but it felt like she stood before that stranger and that certain someone poured every feeling, poured all their thoughts out to her. Yet this letter was barely nothing, Clarke was not even sure if L.W. existed. She was not sure if this was some prank but oh god, this single sheet of paper made her….

 

 

Her legs came to an abrupt stop, eyes drilling into the familiar spot. Whenever she came here, she always smiled. Whenever she came here, it made her grin like a fool, eyes closing from the heartedly smile. But now, all she felt was nothing.

 

 

This time her cheeks did not hurt from all the smiling. This time she did not feel joy, happiness, luck or love. This time she did not feel the wind carrying her into a lullaby of thoughts. This time her body did not quiver as she could not feel any warmth covering her inner self. This time she did not hear any birds chirping like she used to. This time the flowers did not seem to bloom like they used to. This time, nothing.

 

 

Clarke eyed the big tree, its leaf’s green and completed. Small blossoms could be seen, giving the tree a lively look. The branches went off into every direction, swirling their way around to let its blossoms reach the sunlight. It stood there, roots strongly connected to the earth beneath the grass. The tree trunk was so big, it gave off a solid and powerful effect, as if mother nature carved itself in it.

 

 

But that was not something Clarke wanted to see. Her eyes hurriedly peered from left to right, searching for something she could lay her eyes on. People were still lying on the grass, enjoying the sunshine. Kids were still running around, screaming, and playing with each other. Couples were either latched to each other or sitting on some picnic blanket. Nothing has changed since the last few days she had been here.

 

 

Scrunching her eyebrows, her hands fiddled with the sheet of paper again, bringing it up to her face.  The neat letters were still placed on the white surface, the words still imprinted on it. Nothing has changed. Clarke let out a long sigh, gripping tighter to the letter as her hands fell to her side, almost crumbling the paper. She was sure that she would come here to find someone on that favorite spot of hers. But her eyes averted themselves to the tree again, only to find nothing.

 

 

 

 

 

_End of Chapter 4_


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~ Pre Chapter Summary ~  
> Her legs dragged her to a certain place after realizing something. Why was she even behaving like that? It has been days since she found this letter to no one. And there, she said it. It was addressed to no one, so why was she feeling so much? But when she came to a stop before her favorite spot in the flower garden, the view disappointed her. No letter laying on the grass. Just nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!
> 
> This fanfic contain alot of depression and self-harm. It may be triggering you but if you need some Clexa Fanfic to tame your love for them, then go on and read it.
> 
> If you ever feel down and need someone to talk about your problems or get any distractions, feel free to message me over IG, Tumblr, FB:
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/lezfricklefrackle/  
> https://www.facebook.com/shiah.jung  
> http://am-i-playing.tumblr.com/

 

 

 

 

 

_**Chapter 5** _

 

 

 

 

 

20 days have passed. Clarke sat on her couch and switched the channels, her body loosely hanging on the soft leather material. Her eyes were focused on the flat service, picturing people talking to each other. It was her favorite series, yet she could not hear them talking even if their mouths was moving along with words. Shaking her head, the sound of the world around her sank in and let her hear what they were talking about.

 

 

The blonde was greeted with silence as she came home, assuming that her parents were at work. They always were, it was nothing new and by the time she grew up she got used to it. Her father was a very hard working engineer while her mom was a very hard working doctor. They rarely saw each other on weekdays that is why they tried their hardest to spend time with each other on the weekends. Sometimes it got hard as Clarke needed some parental support, someone who could be there but she only soothed herself by shaking off the thought because she knew that her parents loved her more than anything else in this world.

 

 

Her body slouched down the couch, feet now sprawled onto the wooden floor that was covered by a soft white carpet. She let out a sigh, feeling slightly frustrated. The blonde clearly noticed herself spacing out and it annoyed her how hard it was for her. She could not really bear the silence that engulfed the room, that engulfed her. Clarke actually loved the silence, it was something that comforted her in times when she was sad or when she needed a break from life. But now it was making her nervous by every passing minute, even the ticking of the kitchen clock made her edgy.

 

 

The girl closed her eyes, ears perking up at the sounds around her. The television was loud, words echoing through the living room yet she felt like they were not reaching her. She did not understand what they were talking about and it felt like they were speaking in another language. But Clarke would be lying if she said she wanted to understand them. Yes, she did want to be able to concentrate on her favorite series, yet today it did not interest her at all, even if she loved the series and was a hardcore dying fan of one of the female character.

 

 

Opening her eyes again, she blinked rapidly as the sunbeams blinded her for a moment. It was a lovely day, it always was when it’s summer in the small town. She huffed, straightened up and turned off the television, sitting in complete silence with the clock giving her company. Without further thinking, she stood up and stretched her arms out, letting out a yawn. It was boring and Clarke was never one who would accept something she did not want.

 

 

Giving herself a confident smile, she walked to the corridor and went upstairs into the bathroom. Checking herself out in the mirror, she grinned at her goofy appearance. Did she really go to school like that? Chuckling, Clarke washed her face with cold water as if she wanted to get a grip of her boring life, as if she told herself to live in reality again.

 

 

It was true, she needed to live in reality again because it has been almost three weeks since she waited for an answer or just anything that could leave some hints but there were none. And god, how much Clarke hated to wait on anything. The blonde was always very patient but it was basically killing her softly not knowing and hearing anything about L.W. .

 

 

Who was L.W.? She still wondered if it was a girl or a boy, how they looked like. Clarke imagined it was a boy because what kind of a girl had a name that started the with the letter L? Yet the handwriting was too pretty to be compared to a boy’s one. The blonde was baffled, looked at the mirror again and sighed. She really did try her hardest to literally not give a damn about that person but she could not help and ask herself if that person is doing well. They were clearly not in the letter or whatever that was. And Clarke was worrying very much, maybe too much towards a stranger, towards some unknown person in this world.

 

 

Rolling her eyes at her own naivety and stupid behavior, she grabbed the phone that was put in her pocket this morning. Her fingers quickly typed, basically punching onto some keys before laying it down next to the sink, hands travelling to the mascara on top of one of the shelves in the bathroom.

 

 

It did not take two minutes until her smartphone lit up, showing two messages from the same group. Raven and Octavia were probably scrolling through their phones, also too bored of the day and only waiting for one of them to send a message and telling their group of friends to meet up. Averting her eyes down to the technical device, she flashed a short smile at the third message popping up. “Let’s meet with the boys too?” It was barely a question because the enquiry never got turned down. Clarke smiled, repeating the words she typed into her phone: “Sure.”

 

 

The blonde quickly went back to putting on her mascara. She was not the type of girl who needed to put on makeup or anything. Well, she sometimes would still put some on her face, just to have a change, just to feel prettier. Indeed, she knew she was not someone who would be labeled as ugly. Not that she did not believe in any term of ugliness but it was because her parents taught her to never judge herself. She was herself and she saw herself through another point of view than other people around her, so why would she even waste time on judging herself and making herself bad in her own eyes?

 

 

But really, Clarke is a pretty girl. The blonde locks her mother granted her gave her face a lovely form. Her blue eyes were like the color of the ocean and she never really appreciated them much but a lot of people fell in love with her once their eyes collided. The blonde’s lips were not thick, yet not thin like a straight line. It was the right size; exactly what people would call kissable. Coming to her body, she got all the right curves at the right places and the people who had seen her naked always admired her for the beauty in her nakedness as if they have never seen a naked girl before. There were surely haters as they envied her confidence and tried everything to break her. Sometimes, they won and Clarke felt uncomfortable in her own body but her family taught her to be strong and all she did in these phases was to be strong even if it was hard. She never had any other option than to be strong.

 

 

Grabbing the keys on the kitchen counter that got thrown onto earlier, Clarke made her way out of the house, closing the door with a thud. She greeted her neighbor who was doing his garden choirs, waving, and returning the smile he received from her. The blonde now needed to head to the destination. It was actually all too familiar because they would always meet there as if it was their spot to meet.

 

 

Raising her wrist, she glanced at the watch and widened her eyes in shock, mouth gaping. Clarke was way too late, they were suppose to meet in one minute but she still needed 10 minutes to get there. The girl swiftly took out her phone, typed an apologize and informed the others that she was going to be late before putting it back. Sighing in annoyance, she picked up her pace and turned left, going through the flower garden.

 

 

She literally could yell at herself for being such a goofy because she would get too absorbed in the music that she listened to while getting dressed. Plus she was the one who wanted to meet up, now she was the one being late and probably the only one too because the others were always in for some meet ups and they would be excited, some would even come 5 minutes earlier. The girl chuckled to herself, grinning at the various personalities her friends got.

 

 

Out of habit, her blue eyes wandered to the all too familiar roots, up to the tree, taking in the scene before her. She squinted her eyes, coming to a sudden stop of her moving as she stood a few meters before her favorite spot.

 

 

She was trying her hardest to push the event to the furthest back of her head and yet she found herself in the middle of this situation. Her eyes fixed themselves on the spot, the view too familiar for her to realize that it was actually happening. Clarke’s legs suddenly dragged her to the place, hands already yearning, craving after it. Coming closer, she saw another white sheet of paper, neatly folded and lying on the grass.

 

 

 

 

 __ _End of Chapter 5_  


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~ Pre Chapter Summary ~  
> it has been almost three weeks since she waited for an answer or just anything that could leave some hints but there were none. And god, how much Clarke hated to wait on anything. The blonde was always very patient but it was basically killing her softly not knowing and hearing anything about L.W. So she decided to ask her friends to meet up but she goofed around alot and had to take a shortcut through the flower garden, only to find a neatly folded paper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!
> 
> This fanfic contain alot of depression and self-harm. It may be triggering you but if you need some Clexa Fanfic to tame your love for them, then go on and read it.
> 
> If you ever feel down and need someone to talk about your problems or get any distractions, feel free to message me over IG, Tumblr, FB:
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/lezfricklefrackle/  
> https://www.facebook.com/shiah.jung  
> http://am-i-playing.tumblr.com/

 

 

 

 

 

**Chapter 6**

 

 

 

 

 

„ _Help me. It’s getting worse than before. I want to cut deeper but I know that it won’t stop my bleeding and I will die. I’m so afraid. I feel like drowning, I feel like breaking. Please shut up, I hate you. You’re making everything worse. Why can’t you just let me be? Please go out of my head. Fuck you, I don’t want you in my life. Why are you here? Please stop it, you’re killing me. Please, don’t. I’ve got enough. Go away. Don’t make me cry. Don’t make me go crazy. L.W.”_

 

 

Clarke gripped tighter onto the paper, dugging her nails into its white surface. The water seemed to build up in the corner of her eyes, craving to slide down her smooth cheeks. She took a deep breath as if the air had been completely shut out of her body, lips trembling.

 

 

Again, there were several dry spots and it looked like the exact same paper she received almost 3 weeks ago. But something was different. Maybe it was the handwriting. L.W. seemed to write it down in such a fast speed, as if they were pinning down every single thought. The blonde swore she could capture the feelings basically flowing out of this paper.

 

 

L.W. was burning inside, that person was literally bleeding inside. It took only a few more cuts, only a few more strikes for that person to spill blood, to show that they are completely wasted and done with their life. The blonde knew that L.W. has been holding all the pain inside and the only way he or she could show their sadness to the surface was this letter. It was as if L.W. was drowning in the sea, the body fully covered from the water and they could not breathe yet their hand was still over the surface, trying to get any attention from all the others at sea or just anyone who would see them drowning. Only a few centimeters more and they would completely drown, completely vanish from the world.

 

 

Clarke shuddered at the thought and felt her lungs tightening, a lump building itself in her throat. No, she could not cry now, especially not in public. She swallowed hard, gripped onto the paper harder than before and crumbling the spots she laid her fingers on, yet she did not care. The pain that person caused her was too much to bear. But the blonde scoffed at her own mistake. It was not L.W. hurting her. It was her who was hurting herself because she felt such a strong connection to the stranger that she would even label her own feelings as absurd.

 

 

Blinking rapidly to hide her tears, she eyed the letter again and reread the words as they echoed in her mind, blinding all the noise of her surrounding, the white sheet of paper taking hold of her mind and body. The girl stood there like a statue, her body tensed up with each sentence as if she was paralyzed from the hurt and pain. Now she was sure that it was addressed to someone. L.W. did not care who it was, their main point was to have anyone to read it because they needed someone to know. They needed someone to reach out to them, to help them.

 

 

Clarke shook her head in a slow manner, gritting her teeth. How could she be so stupid? She should have known their intention as she saw the first letter. She should have reached out to L.W. sooner. Sighing in relief, she relaxed a little bit and eyed the letter, a shy smile creeping up her face. At least L.W. did not die yet, at least that, she thought.

 

 

A strong breeze of wind blew her locks into her face, blocking the view to the letter a moment and ripped her out of her thoughts, bringing her back to reality. Clarke quickly looked over her wrist, noticing that she was not only five but even thirty minutes late. “Shit” She mumbled before carefully folding the paper and putting it in her bag, making sure that it will not get any more crumbles than she had damaged. The blonde swung around and made her way through the garden of flowers, almost running at the speed that her legs were moving, almost tripping.

 

 

Taking out her phone, she rapidly turned it on, seeing ten missed calls from various friends, mostly from Octavia and Raven who were her best friends. “Shit, shit, shit” She repeated under her breath, head lowered and eyes focused on the lightning device before her. Suddenly, she felt a strong ache on her head and before knowing it, the petite girl landed on her bump, phone falling out of her hand and crashing onto the floor. Wincing in pain, she furrowed her eyebrows and closed her eyes, hissing and scratching the top of her head before looking up to stare into a pair of green eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

_End of Chapter 6_


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~ Pre Chapter Summary ~
> 
> Clarke found another letter of L.W. who was literally bleeding through the words they have written on the paper. It made the blonde feel more connected to them as she felt the pain and hurt of their words flowing through her body, her mind and thoughts. But then she looked at the time and realized that she was too late for the meetup with her friends and quickly made her way to her destination only to bump into a person. Looking up, she only saw a pair of green eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!
> 
> This fanfic contain alot of depression and self-harm. It may be triggering you but if you need some Clexa Fanfic to tame your love for them, then go on and read it.
> 
> If you ever feel down and need someone to talk about your problems or get any distractions, feel free to message me over IG, Tumblr, FB:
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/lezfricklefrackle/  
> https://www.facebook.com/shiah.jung  
> http://am-i-playing.tumblr.com/

 

 

 

 

 

**Chapter 7**

 

 

 

Wincing in pain, she furrowed her eyebrows and closed her eyes, hissing and scratching the top of her head before looking up to stare into a pair of green eyes.

 

 

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry.” Clarke quickly stammered, the pain in her head seemed to fade away slowly as she pushed herself up, slightly letting out a whimper at the pain. Hands rapidly longed for the fallen phone, picking it up and viewing it carefully as her hands slid over the display that was luckily still in one piece as her fingers caressed it and cleaned the dirt away. The young woman before her only watched her every movement, staying still on the hard pavement before she herself got up slowly and quietly, hands pushing her up as she balanced first on one feet before the other sat itself on the ground.

 

 

Noticing the movement before her, the blonde shot her head up and rushed to the brunette, taking her by her hands and helping her up even though the seemingly older girl before her was almost already standing. “I-I’m really sorry. I wasn’t paying attention. It was my fault.” She said, surprised by the short stutter that came out of her but she quickly pushed the thought away. The girl before her only looked at her, shaking her head as if she was saying that it was okay but Clarke insisted, letting go of her hands and promptly grabbing the bag which laid next to the stranger she bumped into, only to discover that her belongings also spilled out.

 

 

Grunting, Clarke sighed in annoyance. She really did not have time to do anything other than make her way to the meetup. She was not even sure if they were still there waiting for her, she only hoped for it or else she would be lost. The blonde literally mentally scolded herself for being so stupid. Stupid phone. Stupid letter. Stupid L.W. Stupid Clarke. She was the one picking up the first letter. She was the one feeling too much for a stranger. She was the one who also found the second letter after fucking three weeks. It was sure that she would forget L.W. and she almost did but ugh gosh. It was mostly stupid of her goofing around and forgetting the time and needing to walk through the flower garden for a shortcut. Stupid her for not paying attention to the passengers. Stupid her for bumping into this girl. But Clarke needed to do this, it was her fault after all.

 

 

Kneeling down with the girl beside her, both busily and silently grabbed the papers and notebooks that were somehow laying everywhere on the ground. The blonde gritted her teeth, annoyance clearly showing in the scrunching of her eyebrows. “God, why does this girl have so many papers and notebooks?” Clarke thought to herself before picking up the last paper and standing up with the brunette following her. Blue eyes caught a glimpse of a few letters before she hurriedly handed it back to the stranger, bowing her head in shame, blushing furiously, hands clasped together behind her back like a child who got caught doing something bad. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to look into your privacy.” Her voice was softer than usually, the shyness and guilt clearly recognizable. Clarke peeked up only to meet green eyes, staring into hers. The girl’s lips before her curved slightly upwards, forming them into a smile before shaking her head again, straightening her clothes. Yet Clarke’s eyes were somehow tracing everything else other than the taller figure before her. Out of guilt, shame, or shyness – She did not know. “I’m sorry.” Her voice was now quiet, almost unable for the other person to hear her but the brunette nodded in return.

 

 

Suddenly the electric device in her hands started to vibrate violently, taking her attention away from the young woman who stood there, lingering in her spot. Her eyes averted themselves to the phone, seeing the familiar pic of raven making a grimace before she hurriedly clicked the green button and held it against her ear, already hearing her best friend on the other line scolding her. Signaling her departure, she nodded and smiled in guilt before walking past the brunette who also made her way in the other direction.

 

 

 

 

_End of Chapter 7_

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~ Pre Chapter Summary ~
> 
> Clarke found another letter at the tree and had to fight with her own feelings until she realized that she was way too late for the meetup with her friends. That is why she had to run out of the flower garden, only to bump into some green eyed girl. It was annoying because she was already late but it was her fault for bumping into that brunette so she also had to gather her belongings. After that short event, they parted their ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!
> 
> This fanfic contains alot of depression and self-harm. It may be triggering you but if you need some Clexa Fanfic to tame your love for them, then go on and read it.
> 
> If you ever feel down and need someone to talk about your problems or get any distractions, feel free to message me over IG, Tumblr, FB:
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/lezfricklefrackle/  
> https://www.facebook.com/shiah.jung  
> http://am-i-playing.tumblr.com/

 

 

 

**Chapter 8**

 

 

 

 

 

„There she is “, Bellamy said, chuckling at the way the girl was running towards them. The group eyed her, a few giving her annoying glances while the others took it lightly and chuckled at her late arrival. Clarke bowed down, resting her weight on her thighs as she stood there, catching her breath, eyeing the ground before looking up and saying, still out of breath: “Oh god, I’m really sorry. I got caught up” The annoying looks vanished slowly as their eyebrows relaxed, smiles creeping up their faces, shaking their heads at her behavior, knowing damn well that she was goofing around.

 

 

Clarke was always goofing around. They never saw anything else other than a goofy Clarke. She was known as the sunshine in their group of friends because she laughed over everything. It was as if nothing bad could ever happen to her or that nothing could hold her back from being happy.

 

 

Only her best friends who were Octavia and Raven saw the other sides of Clarke. They were also known as the unstoppable trio in school because they stuck together, went through ups and down and were never separated. Not even a big argument could ever break them apart because yet coming from different nationalities and cultures, their parents thought alike and taught them that communication is key.

 

 

Everybody appreciated her and she appreciated every single one of her friends group. It was a squad, a clique, a group of wonderful friends. Even if everybody had their own personality and their differences, it just seemed to click whenever they hung out as a group.

 

 

As they made their way towards the bowling center, Raven and Octavia slowed down as Clarke caught up with her girls, noticing the tension between the trio. Walking in silence, Clarke crooked an eyebrow, looking left and right as her best friends made her walk between them. The blonde knew that something was coming, she only waited for one of them to speak up. “So..” Raven started, crossing her arms and continuing. “Why were you taking so long?” The other brunette next to Clarke also crossed her arms, waiting for a proper answer. The girl only chuckled nervously, averting her eyes down to the ground before beginning: “Well..” She paused, gripping onto her bag. Looking up, she smiled and said: “I was goofing around, you know me.”

 

 

 Stopping in her tracks, Octavia grabbed onto the girl’s arm and made her stop too, Raven following while letting the boys making their way to the bowling center first, everybody excited and challenging each other. “Don’t tell me you were meeting up with Collins before us and had some – ugh, I don’t even want to think about it.” The brunette said, her face making a grimace as she let go of Clarke’s arm, showing disgust in her behavior but the blonde stopped her, chuckling and saying: “Oh no, I’m not thirsty. Well, I am thirsty but not that thirsty.” The blonde only shook her head, grinning in amusement as she saw the grimace vanish from Octavia’s face.

 

 

Their legs began to move again, following the boys’ trail of path yet pace still the same, not trying to keep up with them as they had their own conversation as a trio. “Then what is it?” Raven asked, impatient for a good reason why Clarke came late, way too late as usual. “I just happened to bump into some girl.” The blonde shrugged her shoulders, her eyes averting to the pavement she was stepping on, mind drifting off as the voices of her two best friends discussing seemed to quiet down and somehow her hands gently slid over her bag, holding it as if she was protecting it with her dearest life.

 

 

Clarke did not feel like going out anymore. She did not feel like going to the bowling center, did not feel like going to have some fun right now. The blonde could not describe or explain why she was actually feeling like that that is why she would call it as “not feeling like it”. Clarke licked her lips, she actually knew damn well why she did not feel like it. Glancing down at her bag for a moment, the girl felt her heart skip a beat as if the bag was transparent.

 

 

She wanted to go home, run into her bedroom and read this letter again and again. She wanted to let her feelings engulf her in a bubble, she wanted the letter to take her into this world, into this thing they had. But Clarke bit down on her lips at the thought. Actually, L.W. and her have not gotten any connection. There was literally just nothing. She knew that but the blonde was too stubborn to realize that or to accept that fact.

 

 

By the time, Clarke was sure that L.W existed and it was not some kind of joke. But L.W. probably does not even know her. Talking about her, that person does not even know that there was someone else at the other end, reading their letters. Maybe they hoped for someone to read it but they never got a confirmation that there really was someone being interested in them.

 

 

Suddenly Clarke’s eyes widened and she stopped in her tracks, making the other girls stop shortly after her, standing before her and looking back, waiting. “Clarke?” They asked, eyeing her suspiciously as they waited for an answer. The blonde looked up, meeting their eyes before she smiled confidently at them, hands gripping harder onto her bag. “You think we can stop at the drugstore later?”

 

 

 

 

_End of Chapter 8_

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~ Pre Chapter Summary ~
> 
> Clarke found the letter of L.W. but bumped into some green eyed girl. After gathering her belongings back into her bag, she quickly rushed to the meetup with her friends. They decided to go to the bowling center but her best friends slowed down and keep the same pace as her to ask her why she was late. Clarke told that she bumbed into some girl but kept the letters as a secret. When they almost arrived at the bowling center, the blonde asked if they could drop by the drugstore later on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!
> 
> This fanfic contain alot of depression and self-harm. It may be triggering you but if you need some Clexa Fanfic to tame your love for them, then go on and read it.
> 
> If you ever feel down and need someone to talk about your problems or get any distractions, feel free to message me over IG, Tumblr, FB:
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/lezfricklefrackle/  
> https://www.facebook.com/shiah.jung  
> http://am-i-playing.tumblr.com/

 

 

 

 

 

**Chapter 9**

 

 

 

 

 

Sighing, she sat down on the stool next to the office in her room. Clarke did not kick her shoes off like she used to whenever she came home or hang up the jacket she was wearing that day on the clothing rack. Today she directly made her way upstairs to her room, now sitting in her office, still fully dressed. The blonde quickly packed out the stuff she bought and laid it on the messy table. Realizing the mess that was spread all over her table she sighed again out of frustration.

 

 

The girl clearly wanted to get to it but first of all, she had to clean this mess she made whenever she was doing her homework. She could do it over the mess but she basically made the effort to go to a drugstore to buy such beautiful papers and the blonde was sure that she is not going to get the paper wrinkled at all but rather write on it carefully and give it the best handwriting she could ever show.

 

 

Grunting in a very low voice, she pushed her stuff aside, a few papers, notebooks and pencils falling down, making a loud noise. Clarke did not have enough time to tidy her desk nor did she want to because this was way more important. Writing L.W. was more important.

 

 

Packing out the things in the plastic bag from the drugstore, she eyed the items for a short moment. Pencils, a notebook with blank white papers and a stack of red papers. For a moment, the blonde seemed lost as she looked at them but she hurriedly shook her head from side to side, bringing herself back to reality. “Okay.” She mumbled, opening the notebook and stared at the white paper before her, hands fiddling with the pencil. Somehow it seemed as if she was holding a pencil for the first time and somehow the whiteness of the paper seemed to bore into her, blanking her thoughts.

 

 

Clarke swallowed the saliva that built itself up in her mouth, suddenly feeling thirsty and dried out. She did not know if she was feeling nervous or scared or stupid or wrong, or or or. Fuck, she was definitely confused. Sighing, her hand let go of the pencil and both of her hands found their way to her head, holding onto it as if all the strength has left her and she had to hold it or else it would just collapse to one side. Why was she even doing this? Why would she make the effort to go to a fucking drugstore to buy all the stuff she already had at home? Why would she get red papers even if white were good enough? Why would she do all this? The girl huffed in silence, eyes closing and lips pouting. Clarke knew why, she clearly did.

 

 

Her eyes slowly opened as she looked down to the brown leather material next to the plastic bag before her hands reached out for it, grabbing and unclasping the string that kept it closed. Revealing a white sheet of paper, she carefully took it out and unfolded it, eyeing the all too familiar neatly written letters. “You” The blonde whispered, feeling her heart clutching in her chest. She knew why. It was her fault for picking it up, picking up the first letter of L.W. and since then not ever getting to leave the feeling of not having any connection with that stranger. But she had to do something, to change something.

 

 

She sighed, fingers leaving the letter on the desk and sliding back to her head in the previous position, scratching. Sometimes Clarke did not understood herself because she tried searching for answers, she actually tried every answer and every explanation but sometimes these answers and explanations did not seem to fit. They seemed wrong but again, Clarke had no idea why they seemed wrong or not good enough.

 

 

Standing up from her chair, she cried out “Fuck” before silence engulfed her again. She was not anywhere near her goal yet she did not even know how to get to her goal. Her hands were balled into fists while she gritted her teeth as she felt a rush of anger building up, standing there and huffing. Clarke hated the fact that L.W. did not know her but mostly she herself did not know L.W. either. But the difference was that the blonde girl noticed L.W. yet the person did not. The person basically did not know that the girl existed, that she was reading all those letters. She rarely could explain it and it was confusing her, stressing her out even more than the upcoming exams. And Clarke was now standing here, in the middle of her bedroom with her jacket and shoes still on with a stack of colored paper and the letter on the desk in front of her.

 

 

Sighing, she sat down, closing the blue mirrors of her. She will calm down now. No, she needed, really needed to calm down or else she will not be able to write this. Clarke wanted her letter to be perfect before laying it on the usual spot she found the heartbreaking letters of L.W. It had to be honest, lovely and motivating. It had to be something L.W. will appreciate. It should be something the person will never forget.

 

 

The blonde took a deep breath, holding the pencil firmly between her fingers, sweat collecting itself on her forehead as she felt the pencil slowly getting slippery between her hands.

 

 

“Dear you” She stopped writing as she leaned away from the red paper. Crooking an eyebrow, she looked at the letter. The color of it was awfully cheesy as if she was some kid writing love letters to someone but red was her favorite color. It was something that was a symbol of Clarke, maybe because she once had pink and red strands of hair and it suited her.

 

 

Widening her eyes, she looked at the two words she had written. Hitting the desk with her balled fist, she quickly crumbled the paper and throwing it away. “Dear you, YOU” she mocked herself. Who is even you? She has got a goal to reach as she bought this papers that will turn into letters and the girl was sure that she is not going to address it to anybody. So she took another red paper out of the plastic wrap, swallowed and put the pencil onto the paper as her fingers swiftly moved their ways to write down the words

 

“Dear L.W.”

 

 

 

 

_End of Chapter 9_

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~ Pre Chapter Summary ~
> 
> Clarke went home, jacket and shoes still on and started to write the letter to L.W. after cleaning her desk. She had to get this done, no matter what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!
> 
> This fanfic contain alot of depression and self-harm. It may be triggering you but if you need some Clexa Fanfic to tame your love for them, then go on and read it.
> 
> If you ever feel down and need someone to talk about your problems or get any distractions, feel free to message me over IG, Tumblr, FB:
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/lezfricklefrackle/  
> https://www.facebook.com/shiah.jung  
> http://am-i-playing.tumblr.com/

 

 

 

 

**Chapter 10**

 

 

 

 

 

She looked down to the red sheet of paper between her fingers, hands shaking a little bit but still visible to anyone who caught a glimpse of her, marking her in a nervous state. Clarke clearly was in a nervous state, she was so nervous that her lungs seemed to forget how to take the air in and somehow her body was giving off too much steam, tiny droplets building on her forehead and hands.

 

 

Today Clarke was not sitting at her usual spot but rather far away from it but still at a place where she could see her tree. Yes, it kind of had become her tree even if it was a flower garden and it was a place for everyone and nature does not belong to her yet she could not help but call it her tree. Actually, it was their tree, the place she shared with L.W. even if both do not know of each other’s presence, well. L.W. does not know her but the blonde was going to change that with that letter in her hands.

 

 

Blue eyes fixed themselves back to the sheet as she mumbled the written words before her:

 

 

_“Dear L.W.  
I have been reading your letters. I know, I should not poke into your privacy but it just happened. I’m sorry about it. But now to you. What is wrong? What happened to you? You have been talking about them telling to things but who are they? I am just a normal girl but I care, please let me help you.”_

 

 

She shook her head and sighed, feeling ashamed at the short letter. Her eyes averted quickly to the bin next to her before they set themselves back to the letter and again to the bin. Should she just throw the letter into the bin next to her? Should she go home and write a new letter? Clarke looked at the letter, gritting at the letter. This tiny thing took a whole day to write. She could not do her homework, she actually did not want to do it because she only focused on this letter before her and even if it took her hours to finish it, the blonde could only come up with a few sentences. She had the feeling of wanting to say so much more, to pour out all her feelings to the stranger but the girl knew, she will only sit there, staring blankly at the paper.

 

 

Clarke was never one who was good in writing. She preferred talking, the face to face thing, the communication but this; the blonde squinted her eyes together; this was the only way she could get to L.W.. Damn, she would rather sit here all day, waiting for someone looking like the name that echoed in her mind. But Clarke does not have a clue. She does not have any imagination for the stranger, does not know how they will look like. Mostly, she does not know how to behave once they see her or how she has to behave once she sees them.

 

 

Her eyes again stared at the letter. What if the letter was not good enough? What if somebody else picked up the letter? What if that someone just throws it into the bin? What if someone pulled a prank on her and play a fake L.W.? What if L.W. does read It but will never reply or write no letters anymore? 

 

 

A sigh escaped her lips again, now longer than the other ones while she shook her head again, hands folding the paper. The girl was fiddling with her hands, legs bouncing up and down as she bit on her bottom lip. She noticed that she was stressing herself out so much, she was literally making herself go insane. No.

 

 

The blonde stood up, standing there as uneasiness was written all over her face, hands still clasped onto the folded paper. This really was the only way to get in touch with L.W. and Clarke clearly hoped for the best. That was actually the only thing she could have done other than waiting. For a moment she got lost in her thoughts. It was as if she was literally standing before a door that looked broken, trashy, used and she did not know who or what is behind that door yet the girl raised her hand that was balled into a fist, almost ready to knock onto the door. But she did not knock yet because Clarke would be lying if she said that she was not afraid of the outcome, yet the door seemed to fascinate her. Like a kid, she needed, she was basically dying to know who was living behind that door. And she would be the biggest liar ever if she said that she did not want to enter through that door.

 

 

Her body slowly started to move towards the blooming tree, her pace slower and quieter than usual as if she was sneaking to the place. The girl felt her heart pumping louder with every step that was taken, hearing it thumping louder and faster as she came closer to her destination. Coming nearer, she gave the red paper a last look before hurriedly putting it on the green ground next to the roots of the tree, dashing out of the flower garden once the material touched the grass while her heart almost jumped out of her chest if she stayed any longer.

 

 

As she exited the garden, she stood still and clutched onto her heart, inhaling deep as she felt herself calming down, slowly. This was way too much for her to handle and she never was feeling that nervous before but she did it. A shy smile creeped up her face as she lowered her head, mumbling before heading home:

 

“I hope you let me in”

 

 

 

 

_End of Chapter 10_

 

 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~ Pre Chapter Summary ~
> 
> Clarke stood in the flower garden once again, her own written letter to L.W in her hands. Should she throw it away? Should she go home and write something new? The letter seemed to be not good enough but this was the only thing the blonde could write now, could utter her feelings out now. Even if she preferred to be talking face to face, she laid the red letter down and hoped that L.W. let her in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!
> 
> This fanfic contain alot of depression and self-harm. It may be triggering you but if you need some Clexa Fanfic to tame your love for them, then go on and read it.
> 
> If you ever feel down and need someone to talk about your problems or get any distractions, feel free to message me over IG, Tumblr, FB:
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/lezfricklefrackle/  
> https://www.facebook.com/shiah.jung  
> http://am-i-playing.tumblr.com/

 

 

 

 

**Chapter 11**

 

 

 

 

 

Clarke looked up to the sky and sighed. The clouds were darker on that day, showing a mixture of grey and white colors as they hurried flew from one spot to the other, the wind stronger than usual. It was a colder day as it was nearer to September and autumn seemed to settle in. But still, the girl was clothed in blue jeans with her ankles rolled up and some black sleeveless shirt, combined with white shoes and the usual brown leather bag she was wearing. Some people shook at her appearance, feeling the cold creeping up their spines but known as the stubborn Clarke, she would still wear summer outfits even if it was colder than 15 degrees.

 

 

Raising her hand, she looked at the watch her dad gifted to her on her 15th birthday. She remembered the day when her dad told her to close her eyes until she was allowed to open them again, only to see the most beautiful watch in the world and it fit her perfectly. Grinning, she could still the warmth of her parents’ arms around her as they hugged and kissed her forehead. Clarke appreciated every moment with them and she was so thankful for having them.

 

 

Closing the bubble of thoughts, she eyed the watch again. The pointer hitting the 6th line on her clock, noticing that her friend Raven should come by at that time but she did not see any glimpse of the brunette yet. Her eyes averted left and right, trying to recognize any slim figure coming towards her but all she found was nothing. A sigh escaped her lips again, now louder than before. Clarke was supposed to meet Raven at this time and they were supposed to be going to this café because both girls loved the taste of freshly crushed coffee beans and there was so much advertising that it kind of persuaded Clarke to ask one of her friends to go with her.

 

 

The blonde actually loved both her girl best friends equally and she would rather invite them both to a café in the afternoon on a Saturday but Octavia had extra classes in martial arts. Not that Clarke was disappointed but she sometimes worried about the girl because she always kept talking about going to battles and dream of being a champion one day but to be honest, Clarke only wanted her friend to be safe even if it meant not to participate in any battles. The only girl that was left was Raven.

 

 

She chuckled shortly as she thought about Raven. She looked like a badass with her orange jacket and sometimes Clarke wished a body like hers but learned not to envy or hope for something like that but rather appreciate Raven’s hard work in the fitness studio and compliment her whenever she succeeded in something small, for example training for six hours straight in the gym.

 

 

And both of them decided to have a coffee today and Clarke was even willing to pay even if students were always poor. No, actually the blonde only wanted to go out or just do something to keep her mind from wandering. It has been days, more than two months to be exactly since she wrote the letter and laid it on the grass. The girl smiled sadly, her eyes turning to the ground as her feet trampled onto the dirty pavement.

 

 

It has been two months but nothing ever came back. The blonde still remembered how she used to check on their place every day. Sometimes Raven or Octavia asked her to hang out right after school but she always declined, telling them that she would come over later but had to get home to do some “thing”. But all she was doing was heading home and stopping at the flower garden to check on their tree. Her eyes would avert themselves to the roots, yet nothing was ever laying there. Sometimes she acted all ridiculously because she would check it twice, looking away and then back, only to see the same green grass, only the same roots and no letter.

 

 

The girl chuckled, her voice sarcastic and off, saddening at the thought. She could remember how her smile faded a little more every day, how she would be happy all day but whenever she stood before the tree that still bloomed like mother nature created life in it, her smile would face, her feelings would turn upside down as she felt her heart drop at the view.

 

 

And she remembered how her favorite spot started to become a burden to her. She wanted to enjoy the silence and sit on the grass, leaning her back against the strong tree trunk but she remembered how much the noises of the leaves flattering in the wind frustrated, how the green grass did not feel familiar anymore and how the noises of all the people in the flower garden made her growl in annoyance.  It was not the same anymore, somehow.

 

 

Clarke sighed again at the thought, raising her wrist and looked at the watch before widening her eyes. She had been waiting for thirty minutes as she watched her watch ticking to the 12th line, signalizing that it is 4 o’clock and they were supposed to meet at 3:30 o’clock. Where was Raven? Her hands quickly snatched the phone out of her pocket and she squinted her eyebrows together, seeing 4 missed calls and 20 text messages from the brunette. Opening the message software, she read them one by one.

 

 

“Clarke! I have to cancel our meeting and I’m so fucking sorry about it. I really wanted to but my coach just called me and said that he is going to introduce me to the famous fitness star Lincoln Whittle. You don’t know him but I tell you, he is really, really cool and his workout plans are so fucking good. I’m sorry, I hope you understand that this is very important to me. I will treat you to dinner the next time, promise.”

 

 

The girl sighed but smiled heartily, happy to see her friend being all excited about meeting some professional fitness star that she never heard of. But it was Raven and Clarke knew that the girl was obsessed with fitness. She could marry the gym and that thought made the blonde grin even wider, putting her phone back in her pockets before turning around and staring at the big blackboard that was standing still in front of the coffee shop. It said “Choc o lait” with a cute drawing of a coffee cup next to it. Further down was a listing of their coffees for example dark chocolate, caramel, vanilla and more but her eyes quickly turned to the small shop that was located in a green building.

 

 

She sighed and shrugged. She came all the way here, might as well grab a coffee before heading home. Confident about the thought, she slowly walked to the closed doors, hands gripping onto the doorknob and turning it, pushing but only got blocked by something until she heard the splashing of some liquid and a female voice saying “Fuck!”.

 

 

 

 

_End of Chapter 11_

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~ Pre Chapter Summary ~
> 
> Clarke was supposed to meet Raven outside a coffee. The blonde girl had to get out, had to do something to distract herself from the letters she received from L.W. It has been at least two months or so since she have written her letter to them but nothing ever came back. That is why she stood in front of the coffee shop and after waiting for a long time, she received multiple messages of Raven telling her that she will meet the fitness star and had to cancel the meeting with Clarke. The girl sighed and decided to grab a coffee by herself before going home, only to open the door, bumping into someone and hearing them say "Fuck!"

 

 

 

 

**Chapter 12**

 

 

 

 

 

As soon as she heard the splashing of some liquid and a female voice saying “Fuck!”, her head shot up only to look into familiar green eyes before hers averted down to the floor that was covered in brown liquid which was likely a coffee that the brunette before her had bought. The scene made a few customers turn their heads before ignoring it and minding their own business.

 

 

A pang of guilt washed over her body and her eyebrows scrunched together as she made her way into the coffee shop, standing in front of the girl who eyed her, a half smile displaying on her lips. Clarke cupped her face, frustration clearly showing in her body language as she stared at the fallen cup of coffee on the ground until a waiter came to them, politely asking them to step away. They did as told and distanced themselves from the mess that Clarke have made. Her attention went back to the brunette who showed a hint of sadness over her cup, forgetting the blonde standing there and staring at her. She eyed her body a moment, sighing in relief as she realized that the girl before her did not get any hot liquid on her body or else Clarke could never forgive for burning that stranger before her.

 

 

“I-I’m really sorry.” Her voice seemed to be quiet, shy yet her eyes did not leave until the green eyes met hers, making her blush before she averted her eyes back to the ground. Silence engulfed them for a few short seconds before Clarke looked up, only to meet her eyes again. Suddenly she crocked an eyebrow as the girl before her started to smile wider, shaking her head, not believing who she was seeing. “Wait.” The blonde girl started, squinting her eyes together, thinking. “Aren’t you the girl who I bumped into recently?”

 

 

The brunette chuckled lightly and nodded, hands now wandering into the pockets of her black leather jacket. “Oh my gosh, I’m so,so sorry. I didn’t mean to bump into you… again.” The blonde quickly said, the last word trailing off with her head bowing down in shame, the crimson on her cheeks turning into a bright red. “No, it’s okay.” The woman said, her voice surprisingly calm and soft as it tingled in Clarke’s ears, her head moving up again. She actually thought that the brunette was angry at her or in any way like that but no. The blonde looked at the waiter who was cleaning the floor with a mop after he picked up the fallen cup before she turned to the girl again and said: “Hey, can I buy you another cup of coffee?”

 

 

Her question made the brunette turn to her, body now facing her instead of the waiter. Her face seemed calm yet Clarke could not read her expression and tensed up at the silence between them even if the shop had a lot of customers standing in line, different voices echoing in the busy room. Maybe the brunette was clearly angry at her but Clarke just could not read her emotions. “I-I just want to make up for now.” The blonde said, adding and saying it too fast than usual “For now and the last time I bumped into you.” The full lips of the girl before her turned upwards, breaking a smile across her face before she shrugged and said “Sure.”

 

 

Both women turned around, only to see the waiting line before them. There were still a few customers standing but luckily the cashiers were fast, going back and forth and filling coffee in the cute little white cups. Clarke could not help but caught a glimpse of the brunette beside her for a short moment. She was wearing a black leather jacket with a white tee beneath it, the slim black jeans fitting the complete outfit including the black shoes. Averting her eyes to the ground, she fiddled with her hands. The girl next to her clearly has a fashion sense and she really looked pretty in that outfit.

 

 

“So what do you want to drink?”  Clarke asked, her eyes in a cheerful tone with her smile splattered on her face as she turned to the brunette, trying to hide the anxiety that was vibrating in her fingertips.  She squinted her eyes and looked at the blackboard that was fully written in a typical handwriting of a coffee shop, listing their offers which went from coffees to teas and even to some sweets like cake, cookies and cupcakes.

 

 

The blonde stared at her, losing herself in her own thoughts for a moment as her eyes observed every features on the face of the brunette. Her brown hair was loosely hanging down to her sides and to her shoulders. It was an in between of waverly and flat hair with the brown color blending perfectly to her skin tone. A few strands of hair were just right beside her eyes. Clarke swallowed quietly as she looked at the green eyes that were still fixed on the blackboard, clearly reading their offers. They slowly but steadily looked from left to right and it seemed like the color green has never been greener. Her eyelashes fit perfectly, bringing her eyes as the most outstanding when it comes to her face. Coming down to her cute little nose that fit perfectly to her high cheek bones, Clarke felt her lips wrinkling upwards a bit. The brunette before her just looked too pure and innocent yet elegant at the same time even if she was standing in a completely stunning yet simple outfit. Her eyes trailed down before she felt all the saliva in her mouth seeming to collect itself. Her lips were plump, rosy and soft, the bottom lip fuller than the upper one with a cut in the middle, making it bigger and outstanding. The jawline of her was so sharp, it made the brunette having a lovely face form.

 

 

“I’ll just take a Latte Machiato.” She said, her voice loud enough for the girl to hear yet the brunette was still facing the blackboard, still reading. The voice took Clarke back into reality and she turned her head straight forward, blushing after realizing that she was maybe staring way too long at the girl beside her. She nodded at the given answer and gritted her teeth, noticing the curiosity building up in her lungs and up her mouth. It was literally itching in her lips before the blonde took the courage, turned her head back to the brunette again, asking: “I’m sorry for being unpolite. My name is Clarke and you?” She stretched out her hand, her body shaking a little bit before biting onto her bottom lip to stop her anxiety, hoping that the other one did not notice any of that weird and childish behavior. She felt the woman turn her head to her, green eyes staring at her sudden behavior, eyeing her petite figure before smiling as she stretched out her hand, grabbing hers in a softly manner as warmth spread between them.

 

“Just call me Lexa.”

 

 

 

 

_End of Chapter 12_


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~ Pre Chapter Summary ~
> 
> Clarke went into the coffee shop and suddenly bumped into someone, into a person she already bumped into. Feeling guilty, the blonde offered the brunette another coffee to make it up for her mistake. While standing in line, Clarke could not help but check out the brunette who also sat down with her on a coffee table. At the end, the girl asked the other for her name and the brunette only responded with the words: "Call me Lexa."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear you
> 
> I know it can be so hard sometimes to just get out of bed. I've been there. You haven't done anything but feel strained out. You feel like you don't have energy to set your feet on the ground. You don't feel brave enough to go through the day. But hey, you did it. I do not care if you just went from your bed to the kitchen to get some food or to the toilet. But hey, at least you got out of bed, right? Don't feel bad for not being productive (if you haven't done anything today other than that but if yes, damn you're so awesome!).  
> Sometimes we just need a break from life and that is totally fine. Sometimes school is pressuring me to the point that I break at the thought of going so I just stay in bed and that is totally fine. We all need breaks; breaks in our work, breaks in our studies, physical breaks or mental breaks. It is necessary and I hope you are not too harsh to yourself because it is okay to feel like not being able to do anything productive or not doing anything at all and it is also okay to rest.  
> I hope you rest and gather all the energy back. But once you are feeling motivated again, go and rock it because you can and will. Ge smak daun, gyon op nodotaim. get knocked down, get back up!
> 
> Either way, feel free to write me (or even ask me for my number ;))) ) if you need someone:
> 
> https://www.facebook.com/shiah.jung  
> https://www.am-i-playing.tumblr.com

 

 

 

 

 

**Chapter 13**

 

 

 

 

 

Clarke was laying on her stomach in her bed, arms and legs sprawled out with the covers half over her body. She sighed softly, her head hanging from the mattress, blonde curls falling down and blocking every view other than the wooden ground that was covered by a red carpet. Her fingers traced the carpet, fingertips softly touching the cloth.

 

 

It has been 3 months since she’s written them. The letter exchange stopped. The girl made a grimace at the thought. Actually, there was no exchange. She only found two letters and could not help but to write back. Clarke wanted to reach out, to help that stranger but nothing ever came back. Literally nothing. No sign that L.W. read her letter, no sign that L.W. was barely alive.

 

 

Alive. Clarke blinked rapidly as she tried to hold back the water that collected itself in the corner of her deep blue eyes. The pang in her chest spread out slowly, painfully, steadily. Her heart literally crumbled, breaking even more every second while her lungs seemed to stop working, seemed to stop taking the air in. The girl hung her head low, chin resting on the soft clothed bed frame and blinked one more time, feeling her cheeks getting wet as the tears slid down, dropping onto the floor. The silent room was filled with her soft sobs as her body hung lifelessly halfway on the bed.

 

 

There was no way that L.W has died, right? It should not be like this, it cannot be like this. The girl shook her head at the thought, eyes closed as the tears kept falling down. No, it could not be like this. L.W. was still writing her weeks ago. The first letter and the second letter were found months ago and Clarke started to write back not too long ago. And it should not happen too much in that time, right? “Right, Clarke?” The girl asked herself quietly and it was a question to no one, barely to herself but she could not even answer it as the silence was the only thing that responded.

 

 

Her face grimaced before she cupped it in her hands, ashamed by her own ridiculous reaction to this whole event. Why would she even care so fucking much? Why would she even feel so much towards a letter? Why would she even feel connected to a stranger? Her sobs grew louder as she felt the pain scratching fiercely on her heart. It was ridiculous, it was embarrassing for her to feel and behave like this.

 

 

She sat up slowly, tears still falling yet she wiped them away, her cheeks only to be covered in new salty water droplets as the blonde hugged her knees tightly to her chest, wrapping her arms tightly around herself as if she needed someone who would just hold her, who would just give her a feeling of security or just someone who would hold her while repeating that everything will be alright until she was feeling okay again, until she was feeling good enough to believe the words.

 

 

Her head sunk to her knees as she laid it softly onto them, lost eyes staring into the distance as the silence embraced her again. She was tired of this waiting game even if there was no game at all. A sigh escaped her lips as she let her eye lids close for a few minutes.

 

 

She was so tired, so fucking tired. Tired of getting no answer from L.W. even if she basically went to the flower garden every day for the past months. She took a lot of time, she strained herself out because even if she was feeling pissed or sad or just exhausted from school or whatever it was, she would still take her time to get to their secret shared place but every time she would get disappointed.

 

 

She would be motivated, feeling the adrenaline and the excitement pumping through her veins as she made her way to a certain place but all the positive feelings and thoughts would just vanish as soon as she laid her eyes to the all too familiar sight.

 

 

The tears threatened to fall again as she opened her eyes again, falling deep into her thoughts. How much she wished for something. A letter, a paper or just some trash laying there but all she saw was the green grass, the all too familiar sight of the nature.

 

 

She once loved the view and the feeling of grass beneath the palm of her hands, tickling her fingertips but now it annoyed her. And it was not even the nature that turned her into something like this. It was L.W. who turned her into this, the stranger who did not even knew about her existence or maybe did but never replied to her, only to leave her devastated like that.

 

 

Shaking her head, the blonde quickly wiped away the tears and gritted her teeth, trying to press down the new ones that once again was almost falling down her cheeks. Maybe, no. Actually it was her fault and it was just too hard to accept, yes. But she had been like this for days since it dawned in her mind and body. Clarke did not want to accept it at all but there was just nothing that was coming towards her. Nothing ever came after she have written the letter, nothing has ever happened after that.

 

 

The girl sighed as her eyes wandered to the mobile device laying next to her before she grabbed at it, turned it on and scrolled through the list of her contacts. Maybe it was stupid of her to write a letter to L.W.. Maybe she should not have done it. Maybe she should not have picked it up at all and maybe, just maybe it was time to get up again.

 

 

Her thumb stopped scrolling as her eyes fixed themselves on a certain name. It was just a normal name that was saved too formal because all her friends either have hearts or smileys written behind their nickname in her phone. She sighed at the silence that embraced her, shuddering and feeling as if she would throw up thinking further about L.W.. She did not want to imagine that stranger being.. _not alive_.

 

 

Clarke pushed her thump against the screen and pressed the phone tightly to her ear as she noticed how her heart rate went up, thumping loudly against her chest and blocking out the silence. Her phone sounded softly with her waiting impatiently for the other person to pick up the call. Blue eyes averted themselves everywhere, trying to find something that would take her focus away from the silence and from the ringing of the electronic device.

 

 

The ringing stopped like her breathing as she felt all the working of her body seeming to stop. “Hello?” The person on the other line asked, the familiar voice making Clarke shiver for a moment before she felt her eyes tearing up again, the lump building up in her throat, hardening the way she gasped for air. Maybe L.W was like her. Maybe that stranger also needed someone but did not realize that something has to change yet. “Hello?” The feminine voice sounded again through the phone. The blonde wished that she could be there for L.W but now, Clarke was sure that she herself needed someone too in that moment.

 

 

Silence embraced both for a short moment before the blonde girl said in a weak, quiet voice:

 

“Hey Lexa.”  

 

_End of Chapter 13_

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there!  
> I stopped putting a warning sign (because I think you won't read it hahaha) but I promise to put a warning sign if the chapter may be triggering. Instead of a warning sign, I will try to motivate you, tell you something about myself or whatever because every reader deserves some love!  
> Furthermore, I also hope you enjoy the progress. To be honest, writing it does warm my heart and I just go "ugh yes." or "Awww"  
> I hope in the future chapter I will be able to make you grin as if you're in love and also leave you breathless and devastated from wanting more :)  
> Thank you so much for supporting me with the comments and Kudos. I really appreciate it !!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~ Pre Chapter Summary ~  
> Clarke felt so sad that L.W. did not write any letter back. She was not even sure if the person ever saw her letter but still, it ate her up alive, it made her feel sad, it ripped the girl apart and she could not do anything against it other than call a certain number. Lexa answered the phone and the blonde only had to suppress the tears from falling again before answering: "Hey Lexa"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear you,  
> I hope you are doing fine. Let us talk about school, studies and work today.  
> School and studies: In Germany it is the time to write the final exam and I still got a year (because I repeated it voluntary) but gosh, I know how stressful it is. And let's not even start with final exam but with any exam because school is such a fuck up. It only causes you stress because how can they fucking put 5 exams in a week??? (Idk if that happensat your place but it happened at mine and its worse) but look: school may look like the worse place but be happy to be able to go there (whaaaaat?). No, I'm serious. School sounds so awful but you are able to get some education, to get some knowledgement. You get to know what happens around the world, economically, politically, ... and what happened AND even how the world works and more.. to be honest, i never appreciated school but i went to my hometown and people there were so poor, they havent got the money to pay for their children to go to school which means that the life of the children wont be better than theirs either but they cant do anything against it because money is the most powerful thing in the world. so please, I know this is hard and school can be hard with all the fucking asshole kids but fuck them. Focus on yourself, on your friends and rock the education, get some fucking good results and fuck everyone, school is only giving you a chance to have a better future (imagina driving your own fucking porsche fuuuuck).  
> Let's talk about work: Stress at your workplace? Stress with your employees? Stress with your boss? Fuck them. Go away from any negative sides in your life and start with the daily thing you have to do. If its not the job you imagine, change your workplace. May sound harsh and omg how should you get a job anytme soon if you quit it? Don't worry, you will sooner or later get one because that's how life works, right? Nobody stays unemployed. And if you like your work but the people around you go on your nerves, also fuck them. not like fuck fuck ( ;) )'m sorry I had to) but ignore them. They are only people you have to see 5 or even 6 times a week but do they play ANY role in your life? I guess not, so why bother, why stress yourself over someone who is not any worth your time?
> 
> All in all: Everything you do is and can be temporary. It is your decision how to see and take the things in your life. Make sure that it does not get under your skin that much if its temporary. Make sure that it does not eat you up. Make sure that you get up daily and tell yourself, that youre going to rock it, no matter what. Tell yourself, that its going to be fine and that youll be doing good. Tell yourself, that you maybe failed today but will try again tomorrow. Stay strong !

 

 

 

 

 

**_Chapter 14_ **

 

 

 

 

 

****

_Flashback:_

 

“Hey, I can still give you the money back” The brunette said after the cashier gave them their orders, both girls now standing at the table with the little bags of sugars and more. Clarke only grinned at her uneasiness, chuckling as her eyes still focused on the sugar bag, her fingers ripping it open before she poured the white crystals into her cup of coffee. “No, don’t.” She said, pausing as she put a little pressure on to her cup, closing it carefully with a white, plastic lid. Turning around, she faced the taller woman before her before she opened her mouth again, saying: “It was me who was bumping into you after all, twice.” The response caused the girl to break into a shy smile with her eyes moving to the ground, then up into hers again.

 

 

“W-Well, it’s nothing but take this coffee as an apologize.” Clarke stuttered, cheeks somehow burning before she looked down to the hot cup in her hands. Both stood there silently for a few seconds as their heads mimicked the other person’s behavior; bowed down either in shame or in flatter until the blonde asked, her voice tone higher than usual, clearly showing her shyness: “Are you busy or do you want to keep me company?”

 

 

A nod and a shy smile were the girl’s answer before Clarke started to grin from ear to ear and she turned around, only to sight a perfect table for two right at the big glass window. Actually, it was not even a fitting answer but she only knew after seeing the plump lips wrinkling up on each side. Setting her destination, her legs moved to the table while the other girl only followed her suite, cup in her hands, eager to taste the bitter and deep taste of coffee between her lips.

 

 

Coming to the table, the blonde sat down on one end and Lexa on the other, cups now laying on the clean marble material. Their eyes set themselves on the cup shortly before Clarke spoke up: “I am really, really sorry for what happened. I’m not bumping into you, like it wasn’t my intention to do so..” She trailed off, fingers fiddling with the paper cup, eyes looking up into green ones, going on: “I just don’t really look around my surroundings when walking. I fall in deep thoughts a lot.” Her voice quiet down, biting onto her bottom lip as the embarrassment showed on her face, a crimson red appearing. The girl sitting cross legged before her chuckled at the behavior and shook her head, making the brown thick strand of hair behind her ear fall into her face before she said in the same calm voice, lips curving up: “Don’t worry. Me too.”

 

 

A shy smile was Clarke’s response before both women held up their coffee, taking a sip from their liquid as they smiled behind their cup, crescent eyes never leaving each other before they set it down. “What do you do, Lexa?” The addressed girl turned her head to the blonde, smiling and answering: “I’m a student. How about yo-“ Lexa got cut off before she could even finish her question at Clare’s remark or more of a sudden outburst: “Really?” She stopped, realizing her mistake and her pushy behavior. “I’m sorry..” The brunette only chuckled at her behavior, fingers playing with the plastic lid of the cup, waiting for her to go on. “I have never seen you around.” – “Yeah, I don’t go out that often.” Silence engulfed them again with Lexa taking a short sip of her coffee, her eyes wandering from left to right before locking them with blue ones again, showing her white teeth again after she set it down onto the table.

 

 

“Do you like the coffee here?” The brunette asked, her voice shaking for half a second before she straightened her position and raised her chin. “Yes, it’s really good.” She chuckled at the answer as Clarke held up the cup and eyed it as if it was transparent, only to put it down, realizing her goofy behavior.

 

 

Silence embraced both again and somehow, it has been comfortable and the blonde was sure that the silence literally made her go insane but sitting before the feminine stranger was surprisingly comfortable. And it had been weeks, even months since she last felt comfortable when it was silent.

 

 

The girl looked up, only to find the other one looking out the window, observing the passengers on the street. For a moment Clarke followed her view, only to find the same daily and boring life. Somehow it reminded her of her when she followed a man who seemed to be in a hurry, running after something he had given up his life for. He was wearing a suit, in his face and eyes nothing but emptiness, legs quickly moving their way down the street before he vanished behind a corner.

 

 

She looked down to her cup for a second before raising her gaze again, still finding the same brunette sitting before her with her hands holding onto the warm content. Clarke could not help but observe her; Lexa had her head moved to the side, the jawline clearly forming and she gulped at the sight. Actually she never have seen any girl with such a fine jawline but maybe she was another girl in her puberties, fangirling over boys and never giving much attention to the other side.

 

 

Her gaze traced further up to the girl’s facial gestures. Her eyes were incredible, having a color that green that made the whole nature’s beauty envy her. They looked soft and lovingly yet they held something deep within, something hidden, something Clarke could not read nor understand. Lexa noticed the stare and turned face to face, smiling as the blonde looked down, blushing furiously, her face showing a bright pink before turning back to the passengers.

 

 

The brunette was really pretty, no doubt but Clarke saw something else in her, something so much more but she did not know what. She just had a feeling that this girl before her may be playing something big in her life. Suppressing a chuckle of her own stupid thinking, she caught a glimpse of the brunette before her when raising her coffee to take a sip. Maybe it was that Lexa was way too pretty. Actually Raven and Octavia were pretty too but this girl was so much more. She had something Clarke could not find any words for, something that made the blonde speechless when it comes to her charisma.

 

 

But maybe it was because the girl found herself more interested in the sight across her than the view of the passengers passing by. But why? She felt sympathy towards her, something of a connection, something like a strong bonding even if she bumped into her twice, the first one only seeing her for a few minutes as she picked up the fallen items. But now she was sitting right across her, spending time with her, hanging out with no one else than Lexa. And she felt good doing it.

 

 

Clarke gritted her teeth, shyness and anxiety written all over her body gestures as she debated deeply in her mind. She really believed that there had to be some hidden meaning behind all this. That maybe God or whoever or whatever might be giving her a sign because maybe that girl who was sitting here in silence with her meant something.

 

 

The blonde looked out the window and back to the girl again. Maybe Lexa was here to change her life. Maybe she was here to rip her out of this boring, daily life and Clarke would lie if she said that she was not tired of the shit that she had been going on for the past months. She was tired of the waiting, tired of the no answer game, tired of not knowing L.W. If only she had any hints or anything that would bring her closer to L.W. she definitely would break down and cry in happiness.

 

 

“Lexa?” The girl turned her head to Clarke as she heard the calling. She crocked an eyebrow, before asking: “Yes?”

 

 

But maybe this gorgeous girl just came into her life at the right time. Maybe that so called Lexa was the one who would brighten up her life because there has to be a meaning if the silence comforted her so much.

 

 

Clarke breathed in as if she tried to take all the courage together that she had in her body and mind, saying in a softly and quiet tone: “C-Can I get your number?” The brunette only chuckled at her shy behavior and only replied: “Sure.”

 

 

And maybe, just maybe Lexa would be the one who would take the sadness away that L.W. caused her.

 

 

 

 

 _End of Chaper 14_  

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~ Pre chapter Summary ~
> 
> Clarke bumped into Lexa again, the second time and she felt so guilty that she had to invite the brunette to a coffee. They both sit down in the cofffee shop, exchanging a few words before Clarke decided that maybe it is time to move on, to be happy again and decided to ask Lexa for her number.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear you,  
> you are beautiful. I don't know if you see yourself that way too but you are. Look into the mirror and stare at yourself. It's probably weird right? Just to stand there and just.. watch yourself. But look, I've been there. My therapist told me to stand before a huge mirror and gosh, I felt so awkward and weird and just.. I wasn't feeling comfortable at all. But look into your eyes. How do they look like? What color do they have? What can you read from them? Look at your nose, your lips, your cheeks, your eyebrows, your hair. Look at your neck, at your breasts, your waist, your tummy, your arms, your shoulders, you hips, your legs, your feet. What do you see?  
> Do you see yourself? Say, what do you see?  
> What do you feel when looking at yourself? What do you think when looking at yourself?  
> I don't know what you're thinking but I used to think negatively. I don't like my nose, my skin is too dark for a typical asian girl, my eyes are too small, my face is big as an pineapple, my shoulders really broat, my collarbones aren't showing, my belly is big, my upper thighs are big too and feet are just gross. And I know how hard it can get to look at your own reflection but do me a favor and tell yourself that you're beautiful whenever you cross your reflection. May it be a window, may it be the mirror in the toilet, may it be the reflection of your cellphone. Please do it.  
> You know why? Because you are, you are fucking beautiful. Why make it hard for yourself by telling you something like that? And if someone told you that you're ugly or any way like that, think about why they are doing that. Are they telling the truth? Or do they just want to see you fail? Do they just want to see you on the ground?   
> People never do any bad things without any bad thoughts behind it. ANd who are they to judge? Are they god? Are they anyone important in your life? If not, then you have to be sure that they are just people you happen to see a lot yet they dont have any meaning in your life. If yes, then ask them. Ask them why they think you're ugly. Will they come up with an answer or will they hesitate? Don't listen to them, its easy to say but hard to change when you hear it on repeat until you call yourself like that too but seriously, who are YOU to judge yourself? You see yourself through your eyes, people see you through other eyes and I'm sure that you are beautiful. What's there that's ugly? If you were ugly, why would people even speak with you? (remember people are superficial even if they cant confess it) why would they be your friend? Why would they hang out with you? You have to have the looks. You have to have something. And I'm sure you are beautiful, society expects an ideal type but fuck them. Who are they to judge? What is society, why is there a society? Just because a majority thinks that Marilyn Monroe is fucking hot or Gigi Hadid too, doesnt mean that you have to resemble that. Just because something is trending doesnt mean you have to follow. But sadly it's embedded in our head but you still can change that because you are your own. Nobody ever looks exactly like you, not even your sibling or your twin because there will be some differences. But that's what makes you great and beautiful and lovely and just so so unique. You are you and that's just wonderful. So please, make sure to tell yourself that youre beautiful on a daily basis and one day you will wake up, stand before the mirror while brushing your teeth and you just go like "Wow, damn look at my lips." or something like that. If it's hard and weird, take it as a joke. Say "Fuckkkk I'm so fine." and laugh about it. It will do you good, I promise. You are beautiful and unique, please remember that. 
> 
> btw, feel free to send me a selfie of yourself you beauty! Just write me over fb, tumblr or insta :)

 

 

 

 

 

**Chapter 15**

 

 

 

 

 

„Hey Clarke.“ The familiar voice sounded from behind before the called girl turned around only to find a brunette standing before her, lips widely curved up, white teeth showing, her eyes almost vanishing from the smile in her face. She only chuckled weakly at the sight and replied a quiet “Hey.”. Both stood there silently once again. Clarke is actually one who would take her friend into a tight hug and she wanted to take her into one but they barely knew each other and the blonde decided to keep it low, to hold back, now at least.

 

 

“So, what you do you want to do?” She asked, her voice switching from a weak and quiet into a cheerful one, like the Clarke that people saw, that people kind of expected. Lexa only shrugged, her smile fading as she looked to the ground, shyness and embarrassment showing in the way her feet started to caress the brown and red leaves of autumn. Maybe the girl was ashamed of her lack of creativity even though the blonde was the one who told her to meet up and Clarke felt bad as she saw the brunette behaving like this.

 

 

“Do you want to take a walk?” Lexa asked and earned a smile from the girl yet the lips curved down after a split second. “Let’s not walk through the flower garden.” The brunette only crocked an eyebrow, opened her mouth but closed it again after seeing Clarke lowering her head. “Sure, we can just walk around the city. I’ll buy you some coffee, if you want to grab some.” The girl said, her voice calmer and softer now and as the blonde looked up, she only gave her a reassuring smile and her lips grew even wider when Clarke replied with a nod and a smile.

 

 

Their legs began to move, both walking side by side with their hands tucked in their pocket. It was a colder summer day or a very early warm autumn day. The trees and their leaves started to change their color, a green turning into a light yellow, darkening until it was a color of brown and signalizing its very end at the color crimson red. The seasons changed quickly, the blonde thought as she wrapped her arms around herself, tightening the grip around her white sweatshirt as the wind swirled around her bun, the baby hair moving in the cold air.

 

 

She looked over to the brunette who walked next to her and who was also the one she was following before eyeing the way she walked. The girl had her hands in the same black leather jacket’s pocket, eyes looking straight forward while she walked with her back a bit lowered. The girl was wearing a white and black striped shirt, the blue jeans fit her perfectly. Clarke cleared her throat after she faced the street, ashamed at her staring before smiling shyly at the brunette who turned her head around, only to stare into her blues before cracking her a soft smile.

 

 

Clarke was glad that she was here with Lexa right now. Her eyes were swollen from the earlier crying session and she was tired. She was tired in general from life because right now it was kind of hard to keep up. It was kind of hard to visit lessons only to drift off to wondering how L.W looked like or how they were like as a person. It was kind of hard to keep it a secret, especially the way the sadness invaded her life. She would love to speak with her mother about it or with Raven and Octavia. Maybe just tell them that she did not respond to 80% of their meet ups because she took all her time to investigate on that matter. Maybe tell them that she herself felt a deep connection with the stranger or the so called L.W.. Or maybe just tell them that she was tired of being a good person.

 

 

Because indeed, she was tired being a naïve little girl. She wanted to help people, she wanted to be there for people and she had done it with all of her friends and they kept reminding her how they appreciated it and kept thanking her but maybe being that naïve, good little girl did not always end up in any good situation.  Sure, Clarke is stupid for thinking that she should stop being a good person after one out of ten caused her to cry. But gosh, she was just tired of this.

 

 

There was nothing, literally nothing that made her happy anymore. When visiting school, she wanted to go home and read all the two letters again. When going out, she wanted to walk through the flower garden. When having dinner with her parents, she rather daydream about her finding a letter one day. L.W was occupying her thoughts, her body and till now, she still did not know why she had such strong feelings about a stranger. And at first she did not really mind but all this situation had become a burden for her. It was weird and ridiculous, now it was just sad.

 

 

But she was glad that she was not alone right now. Clarke was glad she was walking side by side to Lexa who seemed to understand her because they were walking silently next to each other. Silence annoyed her in those dark times but it felt comfortable around Lexa. It did not feel awkward or weird or humiliated to her, it felt soothing. Maybe Clarke just needed someone to be there for her without speaking much.

 

 

Lexa was someone special because somehow the blonde felt calm when being with her. Maybe it was because the brunette looked just like the friendly girl next door. Maybe it was the way she smiled at her because Clarke felt invited by that smile, as if the girl really meant it when showing her perfectly white teeth. Maybe it was because Lexa kept a distance because they were still strangers or maybe it was because she just respected her too much to let her do the first steps. Even if she bumped into the girl twice, bought her coffee and hang out for a while in that coffee shop, it somehow seemed to click between them.

 

 

Sure, Clarke did not know much about her yet did Lexa but still, she feels on a much closer level with her, as if the coffee hang out made them grow closer. Clarke and Lexa, something of a friendship that seemed to just be fine by not speaking much and enjoying the silence or something like that. But whatever it was, it felt right and good with her. It felt comfortable and soothing.

 

 

“Clarke.” The brunette called out and came to a stop, ripping the girl out of her thoughts and making her stand still at her spot, blue eyes locking into greens. Lexa stared at her, eyes switching from one to another as she seemed to find the words to say to her before blinking and asking in a calm, soothing voice: “Are you okay?”

 

 

The blonde felt her lungs tightening, her breathing thickening and hardening. The water quickly collected in her eyes before she rapidly blinked them away and lowered her head, too ashamed at her almost silent outburst.

 

 

Suddenly, she felt a soft hand on her shoulder, caressing her skin over the thick cloth of material before the familiar voice said in a low and quiet tone: “Hey, I’m here.”

 

 

 

 

_End of Chapter 15_

 

 

 

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I won't write any summaries anymore because my chapters are rather kept short so it doesn't take much time if you go back a chapter and read it ;P

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to tell you something about myself: Two years ago there was this girl. She was in my class and we had something going on and later went into a relationship. But she would keep telling me that it was me doing this and that wrong. She would even tell me that I'm not loveable and she would be the only one able to love me. I was going through a bad phase and believed her. I stayed at her side even if she hit me, made me bleed, locked me in, accused me of cheating, told me to get away from my friends and parents and I did all of that. I often try to break up but I could not because she would lock me in and not let me go home (it was a long distance relationship so I couldnt go home at night when theres no bus whatsoever), I even went into the hospital once because of her but luckily I went on vacation, faaaar away from home (Vietnam to be exactly) and broke up over Whatsapp. I know, breaking up over whatsapp is so childish but it was the only way to get her out of my life. And I got a friend right now who is almost going through the same thing so I just wanted to say: if you feel unwanted, unloved, if you feel like missing the whole picture, missing something in your life; if you feel like you're not good enough for your partner because they tell you that way; if your partner hits you, abuses you physically and mentally; if your partner tells you that they love you yet still make you feel worse then = get the fuck out of that relationship. Get the fuck out there. Even if you love them, even if you think that nobody will ever love you like that, even if you will be alone after that, even if you have depression and need someone to hold on, even if you feel like you will be drowning if there's no one to hold onto anymore. I say that and I AM SURE that it will be worth it leaving them. You are beautiful, you are lovely, you are unique, you are sweet. If you think you're unloveable; your parents love you, your friends love you, if youre unloveable why would you even get any partners at all? you deserve so much better, you are a fucking king/queen. You are you and that's wonderful. You deserve to be treated like a princess/prince, you deserve the best. Sometimes we are too blind in love and don't see the harm that they do to us. Sometimes we are also too scared of the outcome or of the future and we don't dare to make the new step. But if someone who treats you like that even after telling you that they love you: I'm not sure if it's love anymore. If it's love, they would not treat you like that. I don't know how you love but if I really love, I would try my best to be a good girlfriend. A good girlfriend means trusting someone and if I can't or have trust issues, I would talk about my problems with them and try to find a compromise. I would try to be there for you, listen to you, comfort you in any way that I could even if it only means sitting next to each other silently and holding hands. Love is to be able to let your partner live freely, be themselves and still accepting or even loving their flaws because if it's love, we also love their perfect imperfections.. So please, do me a favor and don't chase after someone who treats you like a dog. Don't chase after someone who treats you like you don't matter or treats you like you are just a burden to them. Don't keep on hoping that they would chance, don't keep holding on to the good memories in the past. If you feel like shit, get the fuck out of there. I'm here and I can assure you that it gets better because I'm doing better, you can too. I'm here, hit me up.
> 
> https://www.facebook.com/shiah.jung   
> http://am-i-playing.tumblr.com/  
> https://www.instagram.com/lezfricklefrackle/  
> (Ask me for my mobile number if you want to)

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Chapter 16**

 

 

 

 

 

„Here’s the coffee.“ The brunette stretched out her hand in front of the girl before she got a smile as a response. Clarke grabbed the coffee the girl bought for her and put her nose on the small opening of the plastic lid of the cup, taking in the familiar scent of coffee and feeling the warmth of the liquid spreading itself slowly through her fingers, then to her hands and finally sliding its way through her body. “Thank you, Lexa.” She said as she turned around, eyeing the older girl sitting next to her who only nodded and smiled in return.

 

 

Both settled onto a metallic bench at the famous bridge of their town. The bridge was usually filled with cars and a lot of people who were either busily chasing after their daily lives or were tourists who found their way into the town that was famous for their buildings of the middle ages  but today, it was calmer and also colder. Maybe that was the reason why it was quieter yet the noises of the cars were still clearly heard.

 

 

Clarke looked straight forward and through the architectural holes of the bridge, seeing the river that  made its way through the town. It was cold but luckily she had this thick sweatshirt and this hot coffee. She breathed out slowly before taking a sip of the tasty liquid in her hands, eyes never leaving the distance.

 

 

“What are your hobbies, Lexa?” The blonde called out before turning to her right, seeing the girl playing silently with the lid of the cup, pressing down the plastic surface that stuck out before looking into blues and smiling. “I love buying flowers and candles.” She smiled at her own answers, lowering her head, ashamed at the weird statement but that only caused the blonde to chuckle lightly, asking: “Really?” The brunette only nodded, grinning at the chuckle and added: “Well, flowers are just really pretty. They come in various colors and meanings. That makes it even more special. Candles just relax me, I love to light some at night. What about you?”

 

 

“Hm.. I actually love to just stay at home and Netflix.” – “No way.” – “Oh hell yes to Netflix.” Lexa chuckled loudly, her lips parting widely with her white teeth showing, her greens vanishing. “You know, you actually look like you’re in a Netflix mood with that sweat, that messy bun and coffee.” The answer only caused the blonde to laugh over herself. She was definitely dressed for some Netflix but she was outside with Lexa instead and it felt good, just as good as watching good series.

 

 

“Do you Netflix too?” She only received a wide grin and a nod as response before asking the brunette: “What would you recommend me?” The blonde asked after their giggles died down, their bodies now facing each other with Clarke’s cup in between them, distancing them a little bit with her leaning her arm against the bench, her hand supporting her head, eyeing Lexa playfully. “I would recommend..” The brunette stopped, smiling before leaving her cup in between them too and stretched out her fingers, listing off a long recommendation: “Definitely Me, You, Her. Orange is the new black. Orphan Black. Oh! Chewing gum, Brooklyn ninety nine, The get down, Dear white people, Wynonna Earp..” Noticing the smile on Clarke’s lips, she slowly quieted down and joined the smile, asking: “What?”

 

 

“It’s nothing. You’re just very cute when talking, especially looking like some badass gangster in your leather jacket.” Lexa directly started to tense up for a second before relaxing and smiling again, saying in a playful voice: “I’m always cute even when wearing such a badass outfit.” Then she winked at the blonde and Clarke could not help but laugh out loud at the unexpected answer and action of the brunette before her, her body laughed with her and she almost knocked the cup down the bench. “Oh my gosh, I’m sorry.” She said in between her laughs, now hiding the grin behind her hands and Lexa only joined in the laughter.

 

 

It was something that connected them, maybe it was their humor or the comfort. Whatever it was, they got along and Clarke deeply loved her companionship. The laughter slowly quiet down and both still eyed each other, smiling and a few giggles left their lips before they finally took another sip of their coffee. The blonde sighed in relief, staring and playing with the plastic lid of the cup.

 

 

“The view is lovely, isn’t it?” Lexa said, her head moved to the side with her body still fully facing the girl, her jawline clearly showing as her face showed a calm expression, her hands holding the hot cup as she warmed herself through the liquid.

 

 

Clarke looked up to her and stared at her, the way the wind swirled the voluminous hair in the wind and the way Lexa moved her hand up only to put a few strands of hair behind her ear, green eyes staring at the river. The blonde quickly turned her head to the same direction and replied with a quiet “yes.”

 

 

Lexa was beautiful, way more beautiful than the blonde actually expected or had it in her memory. Clarke could not help it but smile, the happiness showing in the wrinkled up lips as she let out a chuckle which made the brunette turn her head to the sound, crooking an eyebrow for a second before asking: “What’s so funny?” The woman only looked back, staring into beautiful green eyes and saying in a quiet tone: “I’m just glad that I’m here right now, with you.”

 

 

As Lexa heard the words, her cheeks started to show a crimson red color as she bowed her head in shame and the blonde followed the action, surprised by her own statement and scolding herself in her mind repeatedly because oh my gosh, how stupid and embarrassing can she be? As she caught a glimpse of how the brunette raised her head, she followed too, only to take the cup of coffee in her hands quickly due to embarrassment, taking a sip and hiding her face behind it, yet blue eyes never leaving the girl before her who turned her head to the river again, observing, thinking or something like that.

 

 

The girl had something in her eyes. They were green, unbelievable lovely, deep green orbs that took Clarke completely into her whenever she was staring at them. These eyes were hiding something, something the blonde craved and longed to know.

 

 

Or maybe it was the girl herself who seemed so interesting to the blonde because Lexa was just a quiet girl. She was a calm girl who did not need to speak much, did not need to do much but still, everything seemed to be fine and good for Clarke. She had this something lovely within her, something...

 

 

The blonde turned her head to the river after she set the cup of coffee between them again, leaned back onto the wooden bench and said in a soft voice, repeating an answer to what Lexa said earlier: “Yes, it’s lovely.”

 

 

 

 

_End of Chapter 16_

 

 

 

 

 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there~ I don't feel really good today so I can't cheer you up either because I myself need someone too. I'm really sorry. You can still write me over FB or Tumblr or IG. I'm sorry
> 
> Edit on 31.05.2017  
> Dear you, are you asking yourself if you're falling in love? Do you keep thinking about their voice and the slight change in their tone in certain words? Like they would pronounce exactly that word with a higher note than the one you are used to? Or when they smile, you automatically do too without any reason. or when they call your name and it's so weird but your name has never ever been spoken out that perfectly. or when you just cannot chuckle at the way they walk to you when you guys see each other. or the way they let their hands wander through their hair. or how the look like when concentrating on one thing. Gosh, you just can't stop thinking about them. If yes, then it's definitely a crush. Love is a big word but it is definitely a crush. But why aren't you two together yet? Is (s)he treating you good? does (s)he make you feel like the only one in the world? If you think that (s)he is making you happy, if (s)he is making your life positive... go for it. Chase after them, tell them your feelings because feelings are so important and what waste would it be to suppress them? what waste would it be to eat the words and let them never come on the surface? You are you and that's so important. you got so many feelings that should not be left unsaid because that's what you are. You are in love with them? tell them, there's nothing to lose. Let's say you're afraid of losing the friendship because you don't know if they feel the same. If they don't feel the same, it will surely hurt you but if it's a real friendship, you will work it out (happened to me, don't worry) and if they feel the same, lucky you! But seriously, if someone's into you, you will know it (focus on their body language,....). Tell them, go for it. You can even joke about it, like "actually, I would totallydate you, you're cute." - because everybody loves compliments. please, there may be no other chance in this world and we got to take every chance we get in life!

 

 

 

 

 

**Chapter 17**

 

 

 

 

 

„How is your education?“ Her dad asked in a low voice, eyes fixed on his plate as he filled it up the second time this evening yet no response echoed in the room, only the noise of the silverware was heard. He laid the big plate of vegetables on the table with a loud thud, making Clarke jerk up in her seat and her eyes wandered from the mobile device under the table to his eyes. “We said no phone when having a meal, remember Clarke?” His tone was harsh this time as he looked at her, a little bit of disappointment in his blues. “Right.” The blonde girl said before she tucked the phone away and focused on the meal before her again, eyes wandering back to the electronic device that was laying in her lap.

 

 

She started to plop a broccoli in her mouth, her face expressionless, unaware of the exchange of glances between her parents who kept quiet but only communicated with their eyes before her mom gulped down and cleared her throat, asking: “Honey, are you okay?” Clarke looked to her mother, staring into the worried filled eyes for a second before nodding silently, then eyes wandering back down to the almost untouched meal of chicken and vegetables.

 

 

Suddenly she felt a warm hand on her shoulder, squeezing tightly for a short moment before she moved her head upwards, only to see both of her parents staring at her with her father’s arm stretched out to her. “We are here for you, you know that right?” She nodded before her mother chimed in: “We are not forcing you but you can talk to us.” – “I know, I’m just tired.” She quickly said before poking into the chicken and moving it into her mouth.

 

 

She was indeed tired but that was not the thing that caused her to be like this. “I’m sorry. Don’t worry about me. It’s nothing.” She plopped one piece into her mouth again, eyeing from left to right. Her parents kept exchanging glances before her father spoke up, his voice now softer than earlier: “But we are still here and always ready if you want to talk, okay? We love you.” He said, giving her a reassuring smile with her mother following again. Her lips curved upwards, faking a smile before she quickly lowered her head and kept herself busy with the meal.

 

 

It was actually Lexa and L.W. who have made her like this. Well, Lexa more or less because somehow that girl was not picking up her phone. They were writing a lot lately but still, she wanted to call her to talk because god, Clarke felt lonely, sad and she really needed someone to be there. She could have called Raven and Octavia or any of her friends to hang out but she would not feel comfortable enough and it would burden her to make them sad. Either that or they could not help her at all because they would keep asking her about the matter and Clarke really did not want to talk nor think about it at all.

 

 

“Mom, Dad. Can I go out and take a walk?” She asked, looking up after they have eaten in silence, the earlier event slowly loosening up the tension between the trio. The question startled the elders as they looked up from their plate, crooked an eyebrow and stared at her. It was unusual for Clarke to go out on a Sunday because Sunday is family day and they either go out together or stay in together but never alone because simple as that, Sunday means family day. “Sure, just come back soon.” The answer of the mother made the father turn his head to her, asking her what was going on with his eyes but she only smiled at him, nodding soothingly. The blonde’s lips curved upwards before she ate the last piece, stood up and quickly kissed both on the cheek. “Thanks. I’ll be back soon, love you guys.” These were her last words before she rapidly dashed out the dining room, grabbed her black leather jacket and went out of the house, closing the door with a soft thud.

 

 

Maybe she just needed to get some fresh air, something that would calm her down because right now, she clearly had too much in her head and it just won’t stop. It was just so weird, right? A simple, white neatly folded paper made its way into her hands and now she felt as if her moods were depending on the letter. A sad chuckle came out of her mouth as she realized something. The letter must have some magic because how can such a fucking piece of paper have so much power over her? It was stupid, ridiculous, weird but mostly absurd. Totally absurd.

 

 

People always say that you can decide who has the power to hurt you but they were wrong because right now, all she was feeling was sadness, anger and more sadness. And she has not been sleeping well the last few months and the season has been changing and she was still stuck at two letters and there was still no fucking answer and and and. Fuck, she was desperate, fucking desperate for the third letter or anything that would give her a sign that L.W. was still alive or that L.W. was trying to reach out for her or that L.W. was there somewhere.

 

 

And why was nobody picking up their phone? Well, Clarke did not call anyone other than Lexa but whenever she did, the brunette would tell her that she is busy and the blonde respected that but she was feeling so low, she literally craved for attention, for love, for anything of a physical affection. Lexa could just meet up with her and grab some coffee or they can just walk silently next to each other, just something to make the silence bearable but she was not here and Clarke was literally going insane.

 

 

“Stupid Lexa.” She muttered under her breath as she felt her tears building up on the corner of her eyes. Clarke needed anyone but she could not just call Octavia and Raven. She would love to but it was something they will not understand, something that seemed too out of reach for them. They were true and real friends but if Clarke told them about the letter they would want to see the letters and they would tell her that she should move on or maybe that it was some stupid prank she got herself into. But Clarke was sure that it was not any kind of prank. It was something so much more, so much deeper, so much intense and nobody could understand her. Yet there was Lexa, the girl who would not question much or at all but knew that Clarke was not feeling well.

 

 

A smile played on her lips before her lips curved down again. She could not tell Lexa but the girl was there for her, more or less. They grew closer after their second hangout and it was lovely. Clarke did not feel anything near a definition of good, fine or well, she simply felt emptiness but Lexa noticed it, the girl thought. Maybe it was in her behavior or her voice or anything in her looks that made the girl notice the sadness, the burden that she had on her shoulders even if Clarke did not tell her anything about the letter. The girl seemed to know about her sadness but was respectful enough to not ask any further. And Clarke loved that about the girl, she loved the fact that Lexa was not pushing, she was not poking in someone’s business if they were not willing to tell.

 

 

That was probably the difference between her friends and Lexa and it was harsh of her to say that she preferred to hang out with Lexa but it was because she felt comfortable around the girl. It was a silent walk, a silent coffee sipping but they still got along, still had fun even if they did not know much about each other yet enjoyed the silent company. But Clarke was angry because Lexa said that she would be there for her yet she did not.

 

 

The girl stopped walking and looked around, releasing the fists she had made the whole time and relaxed a bit at the view before her. The sun was setting, the sky turning into a wave of pink and orange colors. A cold breeze of wind rushed through her clothes and swirled her blonde locks in her face. She breathed out, a deep and long sigh escaping her lips before she started to move again.

 

 

She was wrong, clearly wrong. Lexa is just another human being which meant that she had her own problems, her own thoughts and feelings, her own life and Clarke knew it but sometimes she was just too stubborn. Lexa was a great girl and she was lovely, she treated the blonde with respect and appreciation and Clarke was wrong. She should not have jumped to any conclusion of Lexa not being there for her because she definitely was. They were writing a lot but now the girl was busy and Clarke should not blame her for being busy or for living her life.

 

 

They did not know each other long but Lexa seemed like a girl full of life. She smiled a lot the last time they hang out and the blonde especially liked the way she smiled. Even if her eyes were big and beautiful, they would almost vanish behind the grin that played along her lips. And coming to her eyes, Clarke was sure that the nature would envy her because these green orbs were to die for. Not to forget: her lips. The lips that made her laugh, made her feel emotionally embraced without Lexa needing to touch her, these lips that calmed her through the tone that came out of it. The blonde just felt good being around Lexa or spending time on her phone with the brunette. Clarke said it a hundred times but Lexa was a gorgeous girl and a lovely human being.

 

 

Suddenly her body came to a stop as her eyes fixed themselves to the all too familiar spot. It happened in her subconscious but her legs basically dragged her body to the flower garden. The blonde gritted her teeth at the view, feeling her eyes getting watery again while she balled her hands into fists.

 

 

Why did that happen and how did that happen? Why was she letting her subconsciousness took over her body? She was tired of this game, tired of crying, tired of waiting, tired of hoping and she literally made the decision to move on only to stand before the tree, seeing the outline of a folded paper in the slowly ending afternoon.

 

 

 

 

_End of Chapter 17_

 

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I'm so under stress because next week I will write 4 exams (and I only go 5 days to school wow!) so yeah, I won't be able to write any motivation now. I'm really sorry. If I got time, I will edit this - promise.

 

 

 

 

 

**Chapter 18**

 

 

 

 

The blonde quickly picked up the letter before her and unfolded it, her hands and fingers fiddling with the paper in the dark and as it opened, it was almost too dark to see and Clarke squinted her eyes yet they only saw nothing more than the outline of the paper in her hands. “Fuck.” The blonde muttered before looking up to see the outline of a street lamp a few meters away that was broken and did not give her any light to support her seeing. Her eyes quickly found their ways to a source of light that was given by another street lamp, luckily only 20 meters away.

 

She did not have to think twice as she felt her legs dragging her to the place right under the street lamp and as she made her way to her next destination, she felt her tears building up and being at the edge of falling down, the water content so ready to make their way down, so ready to fall and so ready to show their sadness to the world. The girl held the paper tightly in her hands, her nails dugging into it, nearly ripping holes into it.

 

Once she reached the lamp, she relaxed again, her shoulders loosened up from the tension and she quickly moved her head down to the already unfolded paper that was now probably more crumbled and wrinkled due to her tight gripping.

 

Suddenly a sob echoed through the darkness and the girl felt her tears spilling down her cheeks, the burning in her heart spread itself through her body like fire, cutting her like knives with every coming second, cutting her deeper and deeper with every word that she was reading:

 

 

_“I don’t know who they are but they are in my mind, in my body, in my thoughts. Whoever they are, they keep surrounding me as if they have settled themselves onto my shoulders, my head, my whole body. It keeps getting heavier from time to time and I wonder when they will finally take over my body and make me a monster. But maybe, I’m already one. L.W.”_

 

“What the fuck” The girl muttered in between quiet sobs that grew even louder as she reread the letter, every word echoing in her mind and she could not help but close her eyes at the last word and let the sadness consume every part of her body, feeling it eating her up, feeling it hurting, punching, scratching and cutting her with every word, every letter that was written down and “Fuck.” She said, her face making a grimace as the pain came to the surface, showing her mentally breaking.

 

Clarke quickly crumbled the letter in her hands and shoved it into the pocket of her jeans and made her way out of the flower garden as the sobs quiet down slowly, the tears yet still falling.

 

It was a pain she never had to endure, never had to experience but now, this was definitely something else than just some normal heartbreak. Maybe it was because Clarke never really loved someone to the point she would die for them and she definitely did cry when they broke up with her or whenever she got rejected by someone she liked but this was definitely worse. This was a pain that made her cry out, made her tears fall without ever seeming to stop, made her body ache with every step she was taking home. This was a pain from inside, slowly but steadily sprawled itself out as if it was trying to diffuse with all the other body parts of her, cutting through every vein, sucking out all the air in her lungs, breaking every bone in her body.

 

The blonde cupped her mouth with her hands as new tears made their ways down her fingers before dropping onto the ground. Why was she crying at all? Maybe because she did not expect L.W. to write her back or write anything at all after her letter. Maybe because she did not expect to hear anything about that stranger because her letter was so fucking bad and so fucking short and so fucking unpersonal. Maybe because Clarke thought that she fucked up pretty bad this time and that she will never ever get to be in touch with L.W. again but now she was here, walking home with the crumbled paper in her pocket.

 

Or maybe because she actually believed them to be dead, to have done something she never dared to think about. The girl actually thought that L.W. either jumped off some building, the body landing with a soft thud on the ground as if it was some toy that fell from the table to the ground. As if it was nothing more than some fucking thing that fell down to the ground and she imagined L.W. to just lay there in a pool of blood, head cracked open like a nutshell as if it was the most normal thing. Or maybe that L.W…

 

“Fuck” The girl cried out, stopping abruptly in her tracks as she stood in the darkness and closed her eyes to let the tears stream down her face, drop by drop falling onto the ground before she fully covered her face with her wet hands, the heat on her face literally burning her but she did not care because how the fuck could she imagine such things? Why the fuck did she even imagine such things? She should not have done this because L.W. was writing her which means that they were still alive, somehow or in what way but yes, they were still alive. They were still at the other end, still breathing, their hearts still pumping.

 

A few minutes passed and the girl’s sobs quieted down, her breathing slower than before as the feminine figure stood there in the darkness. The only sound she could hear was the loud thumping of her heartbeat and her breathing.

 

Thump Thump… Thump Thump.. Thump Thump…

 

Her hands fell down to the side of her body and her blue eyes looked at the sidewalk. She was almost home because only 200 meters around the corner and she would be standing at the same door she saw everyday after coming home from the flower garden without a letter, without a smile but today was different. Her legs began to move again, dragging the exhausted body home.

 

At least she found this letter right? At least she got an answer, at least she had any sign of L.W.. She literally thanked God or whoever there was for making the right decisions, for still lowkey having hope that L.W. will write her back one day. Maybe she was right about that stranger because maybe that stranger needed time to write back. Maybe they were busy for school or work or with anything personal in their life. Maybe they needed to be distant for a few months, to lean back and realise that someone actually wrote back. Or maybe they just needed to accept the help that was given by Clarke and maybe, yes maybe they had to get all their courage together to write back, just like the blonde did.

 

Again, she stood before the door of her home, today once again saddened by L.W and even crying because of them. Taking in a deep breath, her hand turned the doorknob around and she went in.

 

“Hey mom, dad.” She said, her voice weakened by the hard crying session she had earlier before she ducked her head into the kitchen shortly, nodding at the sight of her parents before swiftly making her way out of that room and went upstairs, not noticing the weird looks her parents had in their faces and closed the bedroom door softly.

 

For a moment she stared at her bed which was made tidily before she let her blues wander around her room, stopping at the desk she sat on a few months ago. She did not really sat there anymore because she could not bear the thought and the memory of her sitting there writing the letter to L.W. who seemed to never respond until now.

 

A sigh left her lips before she ripped her jacket from her body. The jacket was somehow too tight, today it was hard to breathe in it because it seemed to rarely have enough space for her to move in that jacket and she just had to get this off, she had to get out of this shit. Her shoes followed suit, leaving her in a sweatshirt and some jogging pants as it was her usual Sunday outfit. Sighing again, her legs dragged the mentally exhausted and tired woman to the bed as she took hold of the cover before plumping herself on the soft mattress. She was fucking tired of this.

 

Suddenly a soft knock echoed through the room and her eyes averted themselves to the door before seeing a blonde head squeezing itself through the small space between the door frame and the door itself. “You okay, sweety?” Her mom asked, worry filled in her feminine voice.

 

The girl hesitated at first, a short silence embracing them before she responded with a soft yes. “We are here for you if you need anything, okay?” The daughter only nodded at the given statement and the mother closed the door after getting no other response from her.

 

Clarke did not feel like talking or responding or answering or communicating in any way at all. She just kind of wanted to stay in her bed forever, just like this. The girl surely thought about telling her parents or at least her mom as she spent a lot of time with her but something was holding her back. Her mother was a doctor and knew the basic thing about mental illnesses as she was someone who would rescue people by stitches and needles but not by words.

 

 She was the best therapist for Clarke but maybe not the best in this situation. Maybe it was better not to tell her because she knew that if she did, her mom would probably freak out and tell her to stop because what of a mother wants their own children to suffer, especially through such a childish, unnecessary thing? Yeah, maybe it was better to keep it hidden from her mother.

 

For a moment, she only sat in bed, staring into nothing but air but then her hand slowly wandered to her pockets, only to stop as she felt the crumbled sheet of paper firmly pressed underneath the cloth of her jeans that kept her from taking it out. The other one followed, only to feel her electronic device in the other pocket.

 

A sigh left her lips before the girl took it out, eyes staring lifelessly at the black screen until she turned it on, a pic of her with Raven and Octavia popped up, the trio smiling widely, the drunken state clearly visible even if the picture was a bit blurry. Whenever she looked at the picture, she would grin like a fool as she remembered about the event that happened that night but today, Clarke was just not in the mood to talk and less likely in the mood to smile either.

 

She punched in the password of her phone before opening the list of her contacts, scrolling down to a certain name. The blonde only pressed on the call button and held it to her ear, not expecting the other person to pick up because Clarke had called her already a few times over Whatsapp but she would get nothing more than a ringing and when the blonde decided to not call her anymore, Lexa would only tell her that she was working either on some stupid school project or that she was just busy. Sometimes the blonde got furious and even asked why she was always busy but all the girl could do was say sorry and that was it.

 

Clarke was the stubborn type but she would not stay mad at her or better said: she literally could not but it was probably because she appreciated Lexa too much. The girl made her feel comfortable in a silent way and the blonde never thought that she would ever experience something like this or that this was possible at all but now here she was calling the girl again, secretly hoping that Lexa would pick u-

 

“Hey Clarke.” The other line sounded through the phone and the blonde felt herself tensing up for a second before relaxing again at the soothing voice, even if the brunette sounded weaker and sadder than usually. “Hey.” She responded quietly, the tone barely coming out of her lips as she felt her eyes getting watery again.

 

Clarke held her breath as she tried to gulp down the sadness that was stuck in her throat, eyes blinking rapidly to hide the frustration and stress she had to endure through the letters. Silence embraced them before the other line spoke up again, her voice shaking a little bit as she stuttered: “Clarke, I-I actually ha-“ “Lexa.” The blonde interrupted her, silencing her right away and she paused to make sure that the girl was listening to her before she continued: “Can you just stay on the phone with me for awhile? Just.. stay in silence with me.. for awhile”

 

Clarke did not know why she paused that much but she clearly had to find the right words and it was badly said because why would Lexa even stay without hearing any reasons but that was the best she could say in that moment because she heard her voice being at the edge of crying again. Actually she was glad that she paused a lot or her voice would have cracked.

 

Silence embraced them again and the tears once again streamed down the dried cheeks as the girl tried her best not to sob, waiting for any response as she shut her mouth with her hands, the feelings too hard and strong to surpress anymore.

 

“Okay.” The brunette said after a minute or two, her voice now calmer before and both willingly holding the phone pressed to their ear as they could hear nothing else than the breathing of the person on the other line.

 

 

 

 

_End of Chapter 18_

 

 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear you,  
> do you feel like giving up? like everything is just too much and everything is moving too much and it will not stop and you feel so out of breath and you just want everything to stop for a second to let you breathe again? I know that feeling. Try to go out for a walk, try to take a bath, try to just lay in bed and look at the ceiling, just sit somewhere on a bench, just lay down on the floor for a moment. Just stop any motion for a while now because if it feels like everything is moving too fast, all you have to do is stop. I always feel that way when I'm too stressed. So sometimes I just have to lay down on the cold hard wooden floor at home and look at the ceiling for half an hour or more. Just lay there and breathe. I focus on my breathing, I take in my surrounding, I look at my body parts. It can be totally random thoughts popping in, like I realized that the veins on my arms are very visible when I'm too agitated, too nervous, too stressed. My hands would sometimes shake at the nervosity. But it's okay if you're fed up with everything because it's just temporary. You just have to know how to calm down, how to make it stop and I'm sure you will better after just relaxing for a moment. You can actually do anything that relaxes you but make sure to feel calm too at that and make sure that you can just breath out and breath in without your thoughts troubling you. It will be okay, it's just temporary. Take a deep breathe in and hold it for a second before breathing out again. You can do it, everything will be fine, you will be able to breathe again. I love you.
> 
> https://thumbs.mic.com/MDM5NDYxMGJmMCMvd1czRURsZGxOc0FRM016WmZtZ0E4VFNRVWQ0PS9maXQtaW4vOTAweDkwMC9maWx0ZXJzOm5vX3Vwc2NhbGUoKTpxdWFsaXR5KDgwKS9odHRwOi8vaW1hZ2VzLm1pYy5jb20vZnh1NWxjNGh2d2RseXdwYmdobDU2YnV2ZGp1a2VqbXd5YnhpZXYxanRmaGlvZGNhcWtpaXR5d2N5NWFlc2dlNy5naWY.gif
> 
> Here a gif for the anxiety to go away :)

 

 

 

 

 

**Chapter 19**

 

 

 

 

 

Autumn has begun as the leaves started to change their color from a green to a yellow color, showing their development through the color of brown and red. People were wearing longer jackets or even coats as the wind started to be stronger than a normal summer breeze, swirling the long hair and taking the hats away and making their natural way away.

 

 

The girl looked out the window, sighing in relief at the weather. It was getting colder which meant that she did not have to worry about the heat. Oh god, how much she hated the weather, even if it sometimes felt good and lovely to feel the warmth of the sun on her face. She just hated having the long clothes sticking to her body due to the amount of sweat but she was stupid and dumb for doing all this, that is why she also had to endure wearing longer shirts, pants and not armless shirts, dresses, or shorts. 

 

 

Lexa turned around and looked at her room. The lights were off combined with the weather that caused the room to seem like a dark hole, almost at the edge of taking her in, swallowing her whole. She gritted her teeth at the sight and sat down on the bed after kneeling in front of the window, observing the nature and the people.

 

 

It was just another day, another shitty day that somehow left her feel unwanted, small, and just not good enough. But why?

 

 

Lexa was a twenty-one years old student, another average student who was trying to keep up right now. She was someone who hung out with a lot of people and was mostly known as the “sunshine” because she laughed a lot and over every stupid pun but she saw herself as just another girl, another human out of 7 or 8 billion others.

 

 

“Lexa, dinner is ready.” The elder voice sounded through the house, bringing her back to reality after she drifted off, staring into nothing but darkness. The girl climbed out of the messy bed and stretched herself but abruptly grunted in pain as the skin on her hip bones stretched too much, ripping the one or two day old wounds beneath the pajama pants. “Fuck.” She muttered silently, her expression darkened right away before she went out of the room and into the kitchen, expecting and seeing no one else than her bald uncle.

 

 

“Will you help me to set the plates and everything else on the table?” He asked softly, his voice deep for such a tiny man who was only a few centimeters taller than the brunette. “Sure.” She nodded and kneeled down to pick out two simple plates out of the cupboard and stood up, took out the cutlery before silently setting it down tidily in a structured order.

 

 

The girl asked, changing her voice into a cheerful one and hiding the saddened mood: “How was work, Titus?” He did not look up from the stew and kept stirring until he sighed shortly as if he tried to sigh out the tiredness and the exhaustion. “It was good. As usual, you know it. What about you, little Heda?” She chuckled for a short second at the nickname before sitting down on one end of the table and answered now in a much calmer voice: “Yeah, it was okay.”

 

 

As she sat there, she felt bad and guilty as she looked at his back, the tiny man rocking back and forth, grabbing this and that spice to make the food delicious. The brunette knew that he was tired and so exhausted from work but he lied to her because he did not want her to feel guilty or anything in any way at all and she secretly thanked him for that even if he deserved hearing that way more often.

 

 

Her uncle loved her over everything, maybe it was because she was the only daughter of his brother in law who died in a car crash but maybe his wife died too because of cancer and now they are the only two people in this small house and Titus literally had no one else so he poured all the love in his heart to the so called Heda.

 

 

She smiled at the thought about Heda, her greens not leaving the figure in front of her who was busily cooking and even trying hard to make the best out of it.

 

 

Her parents died as she was three years. They were on the way to the kindergarten to take her home but never made it because some truck drove into them. She did not know the details and to be honest, she did not want to know because she felt bad and was ashamed of not knowing how her parents looked like unless she looked at the pictures that was taken too long ago.

 

 

Sometimes she regretted that she was too young to even know anything but she remembered one thing: She cried a lot on that day. But again, did she cry because she knew that her parents were involved in a car accident or did she cry because she was left alone as nobody picked her up? She did not know and she was utterly ashamed of that.

 

 

Titus turned around with the hot pot between his hands and set it on the table before taking the top away, the steam flowing up and mixing itself with the air. “Wow.” Lexa said, her voice full of excitement and delight as she closed her eyes, savoring the smell of the stew which made the man smile at her reaction. “I’m really sorry. This is all we have because I haven’t gotten time to go to the supermarket.” He said as he sat down, so ready to take a big spoon on his plate as he felt the emptiness in his belly but he waited for the girl to dug in first.

 

 

Her eyes widened at his remark before guilt over washed her, saying quickly: “You know, if you need help in the household, just tell me.” Titus only chuckled at her as he took her plate and gave her a big spoon of stew, saying: “No, I’m fine but I will tell you, if I need help. But I rather have you focused on your education first.” It made the brunette sigh shortly before nodding and eating in silence.

 

 

Titus only wanted the best for her, she knew that because she could see him working hard just to be able to pay the house that they are living in, to pay her education, to basically pay for her life to be as good as possible. He may not smile a lot or at all and be very strict, yet she knew that he loved her with all his heart. “You like it, Heda?” She nodded and smiled at him.

 

 

The girl liked the name even though he started to call her like that because she behaved like a queen when she was a small kid. His wife always scolded him for calling her like that so they went from that reason to another.

 

 

His wife called her Heda because they could not have any kids. She did not know why but she guessed that one of them was sterile because that could be the only solid reason as she knew how much they loved kids, always calling the little ones “flame keepers” as they keep the flame burning in the hearts of the elders which meant that they are too cute not to be loved by elders.

 

 

But why did they call her Heda and not princess or something that way? It was simply because Titus’ wife, her aunt taught her to see herself as a queen, taught her to be on a leader, taught her to be better than everyone and to stay on top even though she was secretly failing at it hard right now.

 

 

A sly smile creeped up her face as she thought about her aunt who was surely the opposite of the man in front of her: always smiling and cheerful, yet had the same teaching talents as her husband.

 

 

 “What are you smiling at?” He asked as he crooked an eyebrow. “Nothing.” She shook her head, the smile still playing on her lips. “I just remembered about auntie.” The remark made his lips curve upwards a little bit even if sadness were clearly shown through his eyes.

 

 

She took another spoon in her mouth and bit on the cooked mushroom. So that was is, right? Here she was sitting with Titus, her uncle who tried hard to make the best out of Lexa’s life and she should be happy but there was something.

 

 

Maybe it was because she missed her parents. No, actually she cannot call them parents because they cared for her three years and Titus cared for her more than fifteen years. The girl gritted her teeth for a moment. Actually, she did not know. Lexa was stuck between that.

 

 

Her mother gave birth to her and had to endure pain she caused for nine months. They surely loved her and cherished her and adored her but that was until they had the car accident and even if she hoped and prayed for any memories or feelings to come back that happened in her first three years on earth with them, it still did not.

 

 

But there was Titus who literally has been spending more than fifteen years of his life to get her a good life. She knew how much he tried for her and the brunette guessed that he was also sometimes breaking at the thought of having no daughter but here she was and he took good care of her, he and her aunt took great care of her. And even if the man and she sometimes argued, Titus would always give in because she was still his little Heda.

 

 

She loved both but sometimes she felt bad because there were days where she would miss her parents’ presence and just wish that they were there for her. But there were also days where she absolutely loved Titus more because he cared so much for her that made her feel like a burden. But mostly, she felt guilty because she did not know whom to call her parents and felt stuck whenever she came to this thought. At latest, she maybe did not know if that what her aunt and uncle was doing the whole time was called “parenting” because she never knew or forgot how it felt like with her blood parents.

 

 

The silence embraced them again as both ate at a comfortable pace, taking another big spoon when their plate got empty. It was a small house and it was a small family out of two but Lexa was glad that she had Titus who kind of adopted her even though she was still sad over the fact that she had to hide the other part of her, the part nobody knew about.

 

 

 

 

_End of Chapter 19_

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so so soooooo HAPPY AND GLAD that my holidays are starting now and I got all the exams. I'm very sorry for not having enough time to write any motivation because I myself needed motivation yet I didn't have time for it either because I had to study, study, study. The week was like hell, physics exam on tuesday, maths on thursday and today I had to write ethics and had a veryyyy important presentation in biology (about depression!). I don't know if the exams were a success but the presentation was one and I'm glad it was a success. I haven't been able to write since a month but I'm so glad I'm at chapter 26 right now even though I'm a bit stuck there... I will try my best to write longer chapters. This chapter was very short because it's just an introduction but I hope you will like it. Personally, I love it because Lexa was introduced, yay! Now there will be much more progress, glad we survived the past part and now the action and the progress will come ;) stay tuned! Leave some comments and some Kudos, share the love <3
> 
> PS: who's going to the Gaypride in Karlsruhe (Germany) and Strasbourg (France)? ;) Wanna meet up?


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!
> 
> This chapter contains alot of depression, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, bad judging, rough language and more. It may be triggering you but I warned you. Now go on and read it, only if you want to. If you don't feel good today, I recommend you to read it on another day or just wait for the next chapter. I will summarize this chapter for you and you can skip this one.
> 
> If you ever feel down and need someone to talk about your problems or get any distractions, feel free to message me over IG, Tumblr, FB:
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/lezfricklefrackle/  
> https://www.facebook.com/shiah.jung  
> http://am-i-playing.tumblr.com/

 

 

 

 

**Chapter 20**

 

 

 

 

„I thought you were better at this.“ The teacher said as he gave her the test back, glancing shortly a her before she laid her eyes on the paper with the grade E on it, hugely written and circled in red ink next to her name that she had written two weeks ago. Seeing the grade made her cringe inside and she almost puked before she quickly averted her eyes up, searching for something in the classroom she could fix her eyes onto.

 

 

This was clearly too much for her. A fucking E? She did not deserve that because she was always a B student but now she had an E? That is fucking unbelievable and she absolutely did not deserve it because she had her reasons.

 

 

“Damn Lexa, I bet he was fucking disappointed at you” A guy sitting next to her said in a playful voice that was followed by a chuckle as he nudged her arms and stared at her test, his hands holding the same test with a better grade, a B to be exactly which is surprising as he was the class clown and never really had any good grades. She only laughed at his remark, shrugging and putting the test in her backpack, gulping down the knot that hang in her throat.

 

 

Her green eyes fixed themselves on the hanging clock, the fingers clasped together as if she was praying while her lips silently counted the last seconds of the lessons before the school bell finally ringed, signalizing the end of the day for a student. The brunette hurriedly stood up, threw the black backpack around her shoulder and gave the guy a nod and a smile before rapidly stepping outside the classroom and gasped for air. She needed to get out of there, right now.

 

 

The air felt heavy, somehow too sticky and dark for her lungs to breathe in and the crowd of students in the hallway literally made her go insane as the girl tried her best to make her way out of the university without bumping into anyone. The bag felt heavier from second to second and it felt like as if it was burning her back by the backpack, not that she already hated the old bag.

 

 

Fuck this, Fuck that. Why the fuck did she get an E?

 

 

Once stepping outside, she inhaled deeply, her chest going up as she released the balled fists that were clutching onto the bag’s cloth. A long sigh escaped her lips as she felt the cold wind against her skin that made her shudder for a moment, popping the thoughts that were darkening her mood. The girl was in such a hurry that she forgot to wear the jacket which she was holding in her hands. Lexa sighed as she put on her jacket as it instantly warmed her on the cold autumn day and the girl was certain. She had to get out of this place, fast and her legs started to move.

 

 

She clearly did have her reasons for not being able to learn that much because she was under stress, she was fucking under stress. How can someone, especially a young student cope with so much in life?

 

 

The exams were making her go insane, they were literally eating her up because it was too much. How can someone write 5 exams in one week? How can someone study for five different subjects? How can someone get all the information in their head? How can someone not expect one to be confused as fuck?

 

 

In addition, how can they keep the exams coming without thinking about a student’s health? How can they not think about the stress they have to go through? Not only do they have to go through education stress but what about other problems? Lexa on the other hand did have a lot of problems but in her eyes she did not or something like that.  

 

 

Yes, it was a burden to be pulled between Titus and the people who brought her to this world. Whenever she went home, she had to ask herself that question but why was she even asking herself that? Maybe it was because of the guilt that was stacking itself higher and higher and on some days she just felt like a burden to everyone.

 

 

Titus who loved, cared and was there for her did not deserve being seen as someone who was literally a second class in her life. But her parents did not deserve to be on “second class” either as they had to endure the pain in the pregnancy, the sleepless nights..

 

 

Lexa was a burden to everyone around her because she somehow never could do anything right or better: she could do something but it was never enough, never good enough.

 

 

For example now with this test. An E? Titus did everything for her, worked hard to see her getting good grades but now she has an E and what was she supposed to do with that? How can she even have a good future with that grade? People say that it does not matter if you get bad grades because what really was important was the end result but the thing is, the grade did matter because it could make her have a bad end result. And if she has a bad result, how was she supposed to get accepted in a college? Or in any jobs at all? How was she supposed to be successful in life?

 

 

Lexa started to sob quietly as she fiddled opening the front door of her house as the tears started to make her way down her cheeks. The girl on one hand was happy that Titus was not home but on the other hand this was too much for her and she could not keep it in even if she was still in public, the feelings for her too much, too heavy and too hard to keep it hidden anymore and she hated the fact that she had to show her true self to the public for a few seconds before getting in. Once entering, she quickly closed the door and let her bag fall off her shoulders, the heavy backpack laying lifelessly next to her as she cupped her face, the feeling too overwhelmed to suck in.

 

 

Why was she feeling like this again? “It’s just a fucking grade. Just a fucking grade.” Lexa repeated softly, feeling the tears still falling down her cheeks, the burning in her chest increasing and hurting her so much, she could-

 

 

_You are a fucking disappointment._

 

 

Lexa started to breathe heavier, her hands balling into fists as she felt her nails dugging into the palm of her hands, the pain was nothing compared to the one in her heart. Her body started to shake but the brunette cupped her face even harder as if she was trying to stop herself from shaking or from crying or from feeling or hearing any comments and she gritted her teeth yet the sobs came out even harder now.

 

 

_You are fucking stupid. Even the class clown had a B and you? You are fucking stupid._

 

 

“Stop. Please stop.” She said in between her sobs, her legs dragging her to the bedroom before she let herself fall onto the soft mattress, head buried into the pillow.

 

 

_You are such a burden to Titus and he is the one financing your studies and all you do is have bad grades. How do you want to be successful with the shit you are doing? You are so pathetic, so stupid. You are such a fucked up. How do you plan on being good in school when you are too stressed? How do you plan to get a grip of your education when you are not even successful in your own life?_

 

 

Lexa cried out even more, her hands leaving her face as she started to hold onto her neck, dugging her nails into the skin harder than expected yet this pain did not numbed the one in her body even if she hissed in pain, red marks soon to be seen.

 

 

_What is this? Why are you crying? Why are you not stopping? Is it because you realized that you are literally a nothing? A no one. Why are you behaving like this? It is such a bad grade, you should feel ashamed. Your dead parents did not bring you into this world to see you being such a failure. Yes, you are a fucking failure._

 

 

Nothing made sense, nothing.

 

 

_Why are you visiting school? Why are you still trying to keep up when all you do is get good grades? You know what? You should just stay home in your fucking darkness because no one wants to be around you anyway._

 

 

_You think you got friends? You may hang out with a few people but are they your real friends? Have they been there for you? Have they seen you like this? The true you? Does Titus even know about the real you?_

 

 

Lexa started to cry harder now, sobbing uncontrollably, the pain in her chest ripping her apart. It was not stopping and it will not stop anytime soon but she was tired of this, tired of herself circling in her thoughts and criticizing herself through all the shit she has been saying to herself.

 

 

She knew that it was no one else but her criticizing herself and her shaming and insulting and hurting herself but Lexa believed that she deserved that. If she was still alive, then she had to endure this pain to be able to understand what burden others have to feel through her existence.

 

 

Her hands went down from her hands as she turned over, laying on her back and stared at the ceiling, the tears still flowing down her wet skin. She stared into the distance, waiting for something to give her anything, any answers or just anything that would take the pain away.

 

 

_Why are you even alive?_

 

 

A sigh left her lips as the girl laid there, her arms resting over her head as she laid there, sprawled out with her clothes and shoes from outside sticking onto her body. She felt uncomfortable and if she was honest, wearing clothes was so difficult because they either get stuck to her wounds or the cloth would rub itself onto it and it hurt as fuck. She had to get out of this shit.

 

 

Lexa slowly sat up and scratched and caressed her eyes. The girl could feel the mascara sticking to her cheeks but it was such an usual thing to cry that she did not really mind it anymore. Her body slowly rose from the bed and slowly, like a zombie made its way to the bathroom, tiredness clearly seen in her steps and her posture: head and shoulders lowering.

 

 

Opening the bathroom door, she entered and held onto the sink, hands gripping hard on the cold and hard material before she looked up and saw herself in the mirror.

 

 

_Look at you, Lexa. What is this? Or better said: Who is this? These green eyes are not shining anymore, say: have they ever? Those cheeks, how long have they stayed dry until new tears made their path down again? When was the last time you heartedly smiled and did not needed to fake a smile? This is sad. This is a sad life. When was the last time you were really happy? You do not know right? You forgot how happiness feels like. You forgot it. Then why are you still breathing?_

 

 

The brunette felt the tears building up on the corner of her eyes again and closed them, feeling them slide down another time, wetting her already dried cheeks. She opened her eyes again, staring directly into her own greens.

 

 

_Maybe you do not deserve happiness. Maybe you were not made or not born to be happy. Maybe it is better if you are gone from this world. Maybe Titus would live an easier life and maybe your parents would not be dead right now. Maybe your teachers will not be disappointed right now. Maybe nobody around you would feel such a burden on their shoulder if you were not here anymore. Maybe, you should just go._

 

 

The tears kept falling and the mascara has been spread all over her cheeks now, the sight made her laugh a little bit at herself. She truly looked like a fucked up. Her brown hair was a mess from lying in bed and from all the scratching. Her nose and eyes were red and it was burning from the earlier hard crying session.

 

 

Sinking her eyes to her hands, she leaned away from the sink and slowly went to the bathtub and turned the water tub on, staring at the water that was filling the tub with every coming second before she undressed herself and slid into the hard and cold tub, the lukewarm embracing her legs and bottom body. Lexa sat there for a moment, staring into nothing but air as she listened to the water splashes before she turned off the water and hugged her knees, laid her head onto it, wetting her face and smearing the mascara on her legs.

 

 

The brunette gulped down the knot and breathed in as she raised her arms before her and stared at them blankly. Her fingers were too long, they literally looked like sausages and she hated that. Her nails were tinted in black from the mascara and some even red, it was probably blood from the earlier scratching or whatever that was. A sigh left her lips before she turned her arms around.

 

 

A few days old cuts were clearly seen, the lines showing a dark red. Her fingers slowly caressed the wounds as she hissed at the soft pressure put on them.

 

 

_Look at you. Look at these wounds. Why have you done this? You do this to feel alive, right? So why do you still feel empty? Why do you feel like a fucked up? Why do you still feel not good enough? Why do you still feel like a failure?_

 

 

Lexa smiled sadly at the cuts as she saw the healed cuts that now were scars on her skin. She did not have an answer to all these questions because yes, she did that to feel alive, to feel something or to just numb the pain in her chest. And yes, it did for the moment because the brunette would cut herself with a blade of the sharpener or anything that was sharp enough to pierce her skin, to let the blood flow, to let her feel alive. But now?

 

 

_You feel sad. Angry. Frustrated. Lonely. Not good enough. Stupid. Unwanted. Bad. Ugly. Unpretty. Not loveable. Fucked up. Weird. Lifeless. Fucking lifeless._

 

 

Again, her tears slid down her face before she cupped her face in her hands and inhaled deep. Lexa needed to stop it now.

 

 

The girl breathed out again, closed her eyes and slid down the bathtub that was almost half full until her body and face were entirely in the water. She needed to do something. She needed to stop the pain now.

 

 

_Maybe this should be the end. Maybe this is the end of Lexa Woods. Maybe it is better for you to be gone. Maybe your people will be happy then. You were never important anyway. Maybe this is it. Maybe this is the right decision._

 

 

She squinted her eyes together as she felt herself craving for air, her lungs tightening and herself feeling light headed.

 

 

_Goodbye Titus. Goodbye Mom and Dad. Goodb-_

 

 

Suddenly the tone of her phone echoed through the bathroom and Lexa quickly opened her eyes, breathed in accidentally and sat up, coughing hard with her hands gripping onto the sides of the bathtub. Her eyes averted themselves to the phone that laid on the soft bathmat. Someone was calling her.

 

 

Lexa quickly leaned over and grabbed the phone without looking at the screen and pushed the green button but remained silent as she caught her breathing and tried to sound normal.

 

 

 “Hey Lexa.”

 

 

Maybe she was important after all. Maybe she did matter after all. Maybe there was someone who liked her existence, someone who liked to be around her, someone who needed her as much as she needed someone to be there for herself. Yes, maybe there was someone who did not let her die just yet.

 

 

Silence embraced both for a second before the brunette said in a soft voice: “Hey Clarke.”

 

 

 

_End of Chapter 20_

 

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary of Chapter 20:
> 
> Lexa got a bad grade which triggered her into having bad thoughts, like how will she succeed in the future or how can she make Titus who was her uncle proud? It triggers her so much and it hits her so hard that she starts to have suicidal thoughts. She went into the bathroom and wanted to lay in the bathtub and let herself drown until her phone takes her out of the negative thoughts. As she picked it up, it was Clarke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING!
> 
> CHAPTER MAY BE TRIGGERING TO YOU
> 
> HIT ME UP; IF YOU NEED TO TALK OR YOU NEED SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO YOUR PROBLEMS OR JUST ANYONE TO FLIRT. 
> 
> https://www.facebook.com/shiah.jung
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/lezfricklefrackle/
> 
> http://am-i-playing.tumblr.com/
> 
> \+ ask me for my number, if you want to! :)

 

 

 

 

 

**Chapter 21**

 

 

 

 

 

 

„Hey Clarke“

 

 

The blonde raised her eyebrows, her blue eyes staring into nothing, into the distance as the girl bit softly on her nails, quietly listening to the heavy breathing of the girl on the other line. “Are you okay?” Clarke asked, taken aback from the fast air inhale and exhale, her voice now softer than before as worry slightly were heard in her tone.

 

 

A few seconds passed by before Lexa spoke up again, her breathing more controlled and slower than earlier, quieter: “Yes, don’t worry.” Silence was the blonde’s response as she listened closely to the other line that was filled with heavy breathing but now it seemed to shut down as she did not hear anything. “So..” The brunette paused, making the blonde raise her eyebrow in response as if the girl was sitting before her and could actually see her. “How are you, Clarke?”

 

 

Lexa’s voice clearly changed from a quiet to the same usual cheerful one, the blonde swore she could literally hear the smile through the electronic device in her hands. “I’m just.. feeling a little down.” Silence met them again as the girl waited for an answer or anything but instead of hearing her voice, the splashing of some water sounded through the phone before Lexa cleared her throat and spoke in a much soothing voice, the softness tickling the blonde’s ear: “What’s wrong?”

 

 

~

 

 

A deep sigh was heard through the phone before Lexa’s expression turned into a worry filled one. “You..” She paused and took a deep breath. “You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to, Clarke.” Silence embraced them both again as the brunette pictured the girl nodding her head to her statement, the glistening tears threatened to fall down the cheeks of the one on the other line.

 

 

It was not the first time that the blonde called her like this and Lexa did not know how many times it has been this way but the girl would just call her and they would stay in silence and listen to each other’s breathing.

 

 

The breathing calmed both down, somehow which was weird, yet good, very good. Sometimes Lexa herself needed to calm down, just like today after all the shitty thoughts. The girl was at the edge of breaking, no she was even at the edge of killing herself.

 

 

It was not the first time that the brunette had thought about committing suicide nor was it her first time trying but there was always something holding her back, something telling her to stop, something telling her that there was still a reason to breath, something telling her that living will be worth it.

 

 

Lexa always hoped that her instinct was right because she basically assured herself that it was going to be okay but has it ever been okay? Has anything good happened? To be honest, sometimes it just seemed so hopeless, sometimes she even regretted living on, sometimes she even blamed herself for wasting air to such a stupid, fucked up person like her.

 

 

But the thing was, she tried. The girl clearly tried to calm down her suicidal thoughts or her suicidal acts, fuck she tried so many things, tried drinking tea, got a bath, jumped into a shower, went out for a run, distracted herself with friends and way more but the pain just seemed to stay where it hurts her the most, where she was most vulnerabl-.

 

 

“I..” The quiet voice broke over the other line and Lexa heard her gulping down the throat before going on: “I’m just not feeling well today.” Again, the line seemed to shut down and the brunette shifted in her position and sat upright, her eyes staring into the water that seemed not like water as she listened to the breathing of the girl that fastened, that seemed to be heavier and deeper from time to time as if she was actually crying silently over there.

 

 

“It’s okay..” The girl gritted her teeth and took a deep breath. “I’m here, Clarke.” Everything turned silent again before quiet sobs were heard and Lexa’s hands automatically balled themselves into fists.

 

 

She did not know why she had to ball her hands together. Maybe it was because she could not bear to hear the other girl crying. Clarke was a lovely girl who was always bubbly and full of life and cheerful and the brunette had to suppress a smile at the thought of how they met each other. The blonde was such a sweet girl who literally made a fool out of herself through bumping into Lexa twice but she was glad that it happened or else they would not have this connection right now. It was true that the brunette did not know the girl for too long, maybe a few weeks or so but Clarke has been active in chatting or calling her and she absolutely did not mind the company the girl gave her. Sometimes she was glad that Clarke called her, in that moment she even thanked the girl for calling right now or else she woul-

 

 

“Can you tell me something?” The blonde sounded, her voice raspy and dry as if she had woken up from a deep slumber yet the brokenness was noticeable and Lexa’s heart sunk as she listened to the quiet breathing. “Yes sure.”

 

 

And there she began to talk. The brunette was smart and gave a speech about the latest movie she had seen and luckily did not talk about her life as it was not good at all. Hell, it was worse but how can she talk about what was happening? How can she talk about such dramatic event with a girl who was clearly not feeling well, who was breaking over the phone? No, she would not even talk about it if the blonde was cheerful or feeling good.

 

 

It was not because Lexa did not trust her, she did somehow but still, why would she tell Clarke when she did not even tell anyone else, not even the closest person who was Titus? And how would she even start? Like “oh hey by the way I’m a big loser and I actually cut myself and I feel like such a burden to everyone else and I keep having suicidal thoughts. Oh yeah right, I also actually tried to kill myself today if you weren’t calling me.”

 

 

A low chuckle sounded through the phone and broke the girl’s thought bubble for a moment as she joined the laugh and breathed out, her green eyes averting themselves to the water then through to her legs, the upper part of her thighs to be exactly that was covered in healed but clearly seen white stripes. Her expression darkened for a split second, the wrinkles of her lips curved down as darkness filled her once lovely green eyes. “Tell me about the last thing you watched.” Lexa said, trying to crack a smile, trying to fake her feelings, trying to fake her personality, trying to be someone else in front of others, trying to fit into the cheerful image she received from most.

 

 

“So..” The husky voice sounded through the line, then a short pause before the brunette heard the girl talking but her eyes were glued to her thighs, the once worn smile on her face long gone as her back sunk into a fallen position, as if she had lost something, lost a battle even if these cuts were almost a daily sight to her eyes.

 

 

Her greens wandered to her free arm that was lying next to her side. Lifting it up, she turned it around, revealing the same skin as her thighs yet they were covered with new cuts, the cuts tidily done and lined up as if she was counting something, only writing the lines on a game.

 

 

It was a normal sight whenever she had to undress herself or whenever she took a bath or a shower but other than that, she never really saw them, looked at them, observed them but still she got used to the sight. Even if she wore long armed shirts and pants that were all longer than her knees in public. And gosh, she thanked the person who invented clothes because if she was honest, then she was ashamed of it. Not really ashamed of what she did because she sometimes was torn between being ashamed of harming herself and sometimes admiring her work, the art she literally created on her own body. But there was something.

 

 

How can someone call something like that art? A dried blood painted skin, a skin that was, well.. that was covered in cuts. Something like a creation by herself, something that was probably going to be on her body forever. It symbolized scars from a battle she was going through in that now and if she was honest then she would say that she liked the idea, the idea of being a fighter who still not know what outcome she will have. A fighter in a battle, in many battles but was she going to win the war? She did not know but she lost a lot of battles and had a lot of scars. Maybe the time will come where it will be finally said that Lexa Woods lost the war.

 

 

This was insane, this was some madness inside her but sometimes Lexa rather called her madness as something, as a part of herself, as something that will accompany her through everything right now, something like a silent person who would always stay next to her side, something that she needed because Lexa believed that she would not be herself if this madness would be hidden under the floor or anything like this. It was true, it had this negative aspects of having this madness but something about it was soothing her.

 

 

It was as if she showed the world her cheerful side, the fake Lexa who would smile at the sunshine, who would squeal at the slightest blooming of a flower, who simply loved life. But there was something else in her, something like a dark shadow that hovered itself over her head. It was dark, it was scary, it was tremendous in her life and it was fucking awful at night but maybe that was part of her personality and maybe that was the interesting part about her; maybe she was like a dying rose.

 

 

She was lovely and great and a dying rose contained so much art and poetry and power but nobody really noticed that it was dying or did but the beauty of the rose made the viewer forget that it was dying. And she fucking knew that it was all romanticizing the thing she was going through but still. It was something she did not know how to explain any better.

 

 

“Lexa?” – “Y-yes?” The green eyes blinked twice as if she just woke up from a nap before the vision before her blurred as she listened to Clarke: “Are you still there?”

 

 

Was she there? Yes. Did she listen to the story of her? No. Was she really there? No. Was she supposed to be there for Clarke? Yes. But was she supposed to be on this world? No, she did not know. “Yes!” The girl answered after a few seconds of silence, her long fingers tapping on the cold and hard material of the bathtub before her arm slid down, splashing slowly and silently into the water. Her eyes lingered there for a moment as she imagined how her veins were cut open, her thick blood mixing with the water as the fluid turned into a dark red.

 

 

“Lexa, are you okay?” Her eyes turned away from her arms as she got ripped out of her imagination before she bucked her knees and sat there in the bathtub, hugging her knees close to her chest. “Yes.” Her voice was extremely quiet suddenly and the brunette hated herself in that moment even more for giving her feeling away, for letting it slip out of her sunshine self so easily and she prayed silently that Clarke did not notice it as her response was met with a silence, an unbearable silence in that moment.

 

 

“What are you doing?” The girl asked and Lexa sighed in relief, answering in a now louder and confident voice: “I’m just taking a bath. What about you?” – “Just lying in bed...” The blonde paused before she went on: “Thank you.” The phrase made the girl raise her eyebrows yet she stayed silent and waited for the other to go on. “Thank you for being here, for listening. You know, I don’t have anyone to share this with. I mean, you don’t know what I’m going through or why I’m sad but you don’t question, you just don’t ask. If I have called my best friends, they would drop a bomb of questions onto me and I just don’t like that. But you don’t do that, you just stay even if I didn’t tell you my problem.” The girl paused. “I-It’s not like I don’t trust you, I do Lexa.”

 

 

The said girl’s lips corner wrinkled upwards, forming into a shy smile as she leaned back onto the hard and cold material, relaxing while her eyes averted themselves to the ceiling yet she did not see what was before her as the only picture she saw was how Clarke fiddled with her fingers, lying in bed, and talking to her over the phone.

 

 

“I just feel comfortable being around you because you stay silent and you listen to me. I know, it sounds like I’m benefiting you for myself but I don’t know, it’s just.. yeah. I feel comfortable around you. It just feels like you understand me, kinda, sorta.” Lexa could not help but let out a chuckle at her goofiness. “One day I will tell you about my problems but right now, I have to get through it myself.” – “No.” The brunette abruptly cut her off before she could go on with talking. “I am here, Clarke. You don’t have to do this alone but I won’t force you either.”

 

 

Silence surrounded them again as both listened to the other one’s breathing, eager to know what the other girl was thinking or wanting to say but nothing came.

 

 

Lexa must knew best how it was to be alone, to be suffering from a pain nobody knew about, to be suffering alone. It was a pain that she had to hide, that she had to endure, to suppress in front of others but when she was alone, the pain would come spurting out of her as if it was only the pain and her and nothing else, no one else.

 

 

And Clarke, the blonde was a friendly person, a lovely friend, she was a sweetheart to Lexa and the brunette surely did not take it for granted. She surely had many “friends” but Clarke just seem like a friend, a real friend who kept her a lot of company lately and she liked that. That is why the blonde should not have to suffer alone or suffer at all. Lexa did not knew much about her parents, did not know if they treated the teenager like a princess of like garbage, she only hoped for the best but now the only thing she could did in that moment, was to be a good friend, right?

 

 

Because friendship means to be there for each other, means to go through ups and downs together, means to have fun together, means to just look at each other and smile for no reason or for just being happy because of sitting next to a person who just seemed silly just like ourselves.

 

 

Maybe Lexa liked the blonde because of never really having a friend like that but it was something she had not experienced in a long time so it was not a bad thing to have a friend and be there for them because of the definition of friendship. But maybe it was also because the so called little Heda knew how it was to be feeling so fucked up, so she rather save others before she would lose the war.

 

 

“Lexa?” The husky voice called out over the other end. “Yes? I’m here, Clarke.” The girl answered calmly yet confident about her statement before the conversation found its flow again and both chatted happily through the phone as the sun slowly set down, the water in the bathtub slowly but steadily losing its heat and the darkness of the night slowly crawling underneath the skin of two lonely souls.

 

 

 

 

_End of Chapter 21_

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey you,   
> I hope my last chapter did not trigger you in any way or trigger you at all. I dealt with this in my past and I know how worse it can get. If you are dealing with it right now, I hope you have the strength to swallow the hate you got on yourself, I hope you have the strength to say "not today", I hope you find the strength and tell yourself that you don't need to punish yourself or that you don't need to feel "alive" because you are. I hope, you don't cut yourself today, tomorrow and not even next week. I hope you do not cut yourself at all. I hope you don't try to kill yourself in any way. I hope, you get the thought that cutting can be an option but does not have to be one at all. I hope you dont consider committing suide is an option. I hope you get to the thought that cutting will not make your problems go away and killing yourself either. I hope you realize / know that people around you love you. Family will never ever leave one. I know there can be horrible ones but most of them can be supporting and love you with all their hearts. Think about your friends, think about the people you meet on the streets. There will always be someone who cares. Take the razor down and say "not today because I'm strong.". Don't try to scratch yourself or burn yourself or dive into any deep water or whatever that may be harmful to you. Having feelings are okay, they are fine even if you feel like a fucked up. You are not and it's human to have feelings, they can suck sometimes. Everything will be alright, I promise.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh! This is the edited version because I actually uploaded the whole chapter yet it only shown a few things. I'm very sorry for not checking it!! Here you go. Have fun reading the actual chapter haha

 

 

 

 

**Chapter 22**

 

 

 

 

 

A buzzing in her pocket made the girl advert her eyes away from the board, the French words written on it vanishing as she quickly, yet secretly took out the electronic device and hid it under the desk before unlocking the screen, only to smile in return at what she saw: A text message by Clórk.

 

 

“Hey there! What you up to?”

 

 

A low chuckle came out of her mouth and her eyes looked up to see if the teacher had caught her doing something else than to focus on the lesson, only to lower her gaze back to the phone, her fingers quickly typing before hitting the send button, the smile never leaving her lips.

 

 

“Sitting in French lesson. C’est tres tres ennuyeux.”

 

 

It did not take the blonde five seconds before Lexa had to grin again at the fast reply.

 

 

“Tres .. what? I’m sorry Madame but no hablo frances mi amor ;) “

 

 

The girl automatically rolled her eyes at the reply, yet her mouth wrinkles could not stay down. Clarke clearly knew that the brunette did not speak any Spanish but she surely understood what the girl was replying her.

 

 

“C’est domnage que tu ne comprends moi parce que je veux parler francais entre tes jambes ;) “

 

 

Her fingers quickly shut the phone as she looked up to the teacher, her green eyes blankly staring at the small and short figure of a black woman, also known as her teacher. The class was supposed to listen to her because they were revising grammar but not many were really listening to her and she did not really care either. A few were dozing off or doing something else while less than half the class really did focus on the lesson and even noted down the phrases they are practicing.

 

 

Lexa was grinning like a fool behind her notebook and it was hard to keep it low, the girl only waited for her teacher to look to her direction and ask her what she was grinning about. Another vibrating was felt through her hands before she quickly lowered her head again as the smile grew even wider at the text message.

 

 

“Excuse me Lexa but I don’t speak French so I’ll just let this pass now. I wanted to ask if you want to go into the cinema with me? Maybe watch something.”

 

 

The girl shook her head in disbelief but also sighed in relief because she just kind of talked dirty to the blonde who did not understand it at all. Well, she was not taking French class without a reason right? Lexa chuckled silently at the thought. She was such a fool but she just loved to fool around with the blonde as they grew much closer after the other night.

 

 

Lexa remembered back to the night where she almost killed herself but Clarke luckily called her, just right in the moment. She knew that both of them were feeling lonely, she knew that the blonde had some problems and she herself, well she was almost killing herself. It was still unknown why the blonde cried or was suffering so much but Lexa decided not to ask and just wait until the girl was ready to tell her, until she was feeling secure around her and ready to tell about the pain she had to endure.

 

 

“Maybe watch something? I don’t want to watch anything, I just want to eat popcorn in there. Hahahhah no, I’m just joking. Sure, let’s watch something, you decide. Where should we meet up? I still got an hour to go.”

 

 

Her thump hit the send button and she turned it off before putting it back in her pocket. One hour, just another 60 minutes, only 3600 seconds to go. A sigh left her lips as she looked up to the board that was now fully written with French words. Gosh, how was she supposed to get all this in her head? The girl gritted her teeth before her lips curved upwards slightly as she drifted into thoughts filled of a certain blonde.

 

 

Clarke or better called by herself as “Clork”. Her smile grew even wider at the nickname as Lexa remembered how she never ever noticed her pronunciation of the name but when the blonde called it out, she cannot help but realize and notice it too. Clarke was halfway freaking out over the fact that no one ever pronounced her name in such a strange way yet she thought it was funny too. Lexa was glad that she took it positively and not in any negative way. And oh, how funny it was when the girl mocked her that she should save her name as “Clork” and not Clarke and Lexa really did and she almost heard the pout over the line.

 

 

And she thanked God or whatever there is that she had found the strength to be there for the girl because she herself was not feeling good in any way but the brunette was glad, really glad that the Clarke called right in that moment or else, what would have happened?

 

 

Her green eyes were locked on the clock as she counted down the last thirty minutes while another sigh left her lips.

 

 

Her depression came in episodes and sometimes it was okay but sometimes it was awful. Sometimes she would feel like a fucking fool running in circles and it was okay because she could tame the pain as she tried to listen to some soothing music and light some candles and drink some tea or just sleep the pain off. Sometimes she would even meet up with some people just to distract herself just like she did mostly with the blonde.

 

 

But sometimes it was awful, it was worse because the pain would feel surreal, it left her breathless, ruthless, something inside her was punching repeatedly against her heart and when it hit the maximum, she would not feel anything anymore. It felt numb and she had a hard time breathing, it made her feel weirded out and it made her feel dead.

 

 

It was such a contradiction when she clearly wanted to die sometimes, when she clearly wanted to just close her eyes and let death overcome her. Sometimes she just wanted to jump off a building or cut her wrists open or just hang herself. Gosh, sometimes she was so angry at herself and engulfed in madness, she just wanted to clench her head between a door and close it hard until her skull would break, just because she wanted the voices in her head to stop.

 

 

But there was always something, some hope? She did not know because she was not sure. What was holding her back? Her parents clearly did not as she would just follow the same trail and hopefully meet them. Sometimes she had such a yearning for her parents that made her cut deeper than usual. Friends? She always met up with a few people and knew a lot of people as they kind of were attracted to her sunshine self but were these real friends? She did not know and to be honest, they probably would vanish when they saw her true self.

 

 

But what was holding her back? Was it Titus who worked his ass off for her to have a good life? She loved him but she felt like such a fucking burden, it only saddened her even more whenever she saw him sweat once again just by cooking for her and she knew that he worked all day but still worked at home just for her.

 

 

Was it Clarke? She was just a friend, a real good friend and Lexa enjoyed her company a lot lately. The girl always happened to make her smile in anyway, may it be through a text message, a meet up or just some stupid topic in a conversation. There was something playfully between them and the brunette really appreciated that. It was just something that distracted her from all the stress she had been going through. But besides that, she sometimes felt awkward because she used the girl for her own self while Clarke clearly needed her because Lexa was considered as a friend and a cry shoulder.

 

 

Five more minutes to go and she would be dashing out of that boring lesson and get to Clarke. A smile crept up her lips again. She would be lying if she said that she was not enjoying the time she spent with the blonde. It was just.. something.

 

 

Whatever there was that held her back from dying or from committing suicide, it surely did well yet the girl was not sure who or what was holding her back. She did not even know if it was what she wanted. But right now, it was okay.

 

 

Taking the phone out again, she saw a new message from the cheerful “Clork” before she unlocked it, reading with her teeth showing:

 

 

“Good! Let’s meet at “our” coffee shop as it’s not that far from your school. It’s not far away from mine either. See you Lexi.”

 

 

Her eyes that were turned into crescents looked up to the clock and she counted down the last five seconds.

 

 

5…. 4… 3… 2… 1…

 

 

The school bell rang and her smile grew even wider as the girl quickly stood up from her chair and stretched herself.

 

 

“Wow, extra cheerful today Lextra?” The clown beside her asked, nudging her by her arm as he also slowly stood up and packed his things. She did not have to turn to him as she packed her things in her bag but she only replied with a chuckle “Always.”

 

 

With that sentence, she grabbed her jacket and wore it before hanging the bag over her shoulders and waved her hands to the others, leaving the room, the dark locks bouncing over before she wrapped the black and white scarf around her neck, warming her almost too much in the building yet as she left the crowded building, it felt just right in the middle of the autumn season.

 

 

A sigh left Lexa’s lips as her legs dragged her to the place she bumped into the blonde the second time or better said: the blonde bumped into her. It was so weird but it felt like it was not a coincidence because what was this? Just some stranger bumping into her and is now her friend?

 

 

She let out a low chuckle. Say, what of a coincidence right? Her eyes lowered as she stared at the ground while walking, her hands tucked in the pockets as they warmed her hands, the shy smile on her face never leaving.

 

 

There was something about Clarke that she liked. Maybe because the girl was always so cheerful, a true sunshine but also had no problems of showing her sadness to Lexa. Maybe because the girl made her feel comfortable. Maybe because Clarke was Clarke and that was simply enough to like the girl.

 

 

“What are you smiling about?” The voice made her head shot up in surprise before her turn into a color of crimson red, the smile now even wider than before as the blonde caught Lexa right in the moment where she thought about her.

 

 

A chuckle left her lips as she shrugged, earning a raising eyebrow of the woman before her. “I thought we would meet at the coffee shop?” She asked, her voice calm yet her heart raced at the sight. The blonde broke into a shy smile, blue eyes averting themselves to the ground as shame came onto the surface, answering in a quiet voice: “Well, I was too early here so I thought I’ll just cross your way.”

 

 

Lexa started to walk again, the other girl quickly catching up next to her, both of her hands holding onto the sides of her bag. The brunette totally forgot that she told her about the school she visited, yet more than half of it was a lie. It was true that it was named Forest University yet it was not as cool and chill like the girl described it to Clarke. It was absolutely hell right now for Lexa but she clearly denied her bad grades and just told her the usual school stories, telling her that everything would be just fine.

 

 

“That’s really cute of you, thanks.” For that response, Lexa earned a laugh from the girl, her hands waving in front of her face before the words “You’re welcome” left her lips, the blue eyes vanishing for a second.

 

 

“So, what are you planning to watch?” Their pace was slow even if most of the people would run away from the cold around that time yet they just slowly slid through the city, their feet touching the ground in the same rhythm, the heat of both warming each other.

 

 

Again, the blonde shrugged, smiling and saying in an exciting voice: “What about Conjuring 2? I watched the first one and it was reaaaally scary. I bet the second one is good too even if a lot of people say that the second movie of a horror movie is never good..” Lexa looked to the blonde who got lost in her own thoughts for a moment before she looked up, smiling: “Do you still want to try?.. Wait! Have you seen the first one yet?”

 

 

The asked older girl could not help but grin at the dork, nodding: “I loved the first one, think I watched it already around four to five times.” The response made the girl widen her eyes and stopping abruptly in her spot, her jaw dropping and the brunette had to stop too while laughing at blonde. “How do you even do that?” Clarke started to run in front of the brunette, walking backwards as they head to the cinema, her blues never leaving the taller figure. “I love, love, love horror movie but I can’t even watch them without having nightmares at night!”

 

 

A heartily laugh came out of Lexa’s lips, her greens vanishing for a second before they opened again to look at the blonde who was curiously looking at her. “No, tell me. How do you even do that? My mom sometimes come around the corner and I would already shriek at the sudden appearance.” The brunette could not help but to grin at the silly girl before breathing in, winking and saying in playful tone: “Well, I guess I’m just very cold hearted. Nothing can scare or hurt me.”

 

 

Clarke’s eyebrow raised as she smirked at the statement yet suddenly Lexa reached out for her, shouting “Clarke!” and took her closer to her body before the blonde collided with the warm figure who held her securely by her arm, the gap between their body closed.

 

 

The blonde could not help but held her breath as she lingered in the girl’s arm, her heart pounding hard against her chest while every other sound around her disappeared. The heat of Lexa’s body seemed to automatically rush to her cheeks, turning it into a crimson red color before she heard the taller girl say in a rather cheerful voice: “I’m sorry for her goofiness, Mister.”

 

 

Her blue eyes averted themselves up as she saw the girl smiling apologetically at the older man who just smiled at them, waving off and walking by. Only now did Clarke realize how close they were as the scent of the brunette hit her nostrils, making her fall into a trance, the surrounding around her blurring. She looked up and her eyes fixed themselves automatically on her lips.

 

 

_Her fucking plump pink lips_

 

 

“You okay, idiot?” Her head shot up at the question, the crimson red darkening as she smiled at Lexa who loosened her grip on the blonde, both now standing at a decent distance between them. The smile widened as she breathed out, stuttering: “Y-Yeah! Thank you so much, I clearly didn’t see him.” She chuckled nervously, embarrassed of what she just thought before turning around and walking next to Lexa.

 

 

“Say, do you actually love bumping into people or what?” The girl joked, her head turned to the blonde and she only earned a hard nudge against her side before she laughed out loud while the Clarke only lowered her head in shame yet she could not help but to smile too. “Hey, we’re here.” Lexa looked up and saw them standing before the cinema. “You ready?”

 

 

Clarke gulped down, the crimson red slowly disappearing yet her heart still pounded strongly against her chest and she only nodded in silent as she looked at the other girl, softly biting onto her bottom lip.

 

 

 

_End of Chapter 22_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today I got nothing to say.. instead, listen to this: 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppIjmR6WRHA ( Candy - Doja Cat )
> 
> Maybe you will get a hint to the next chapter ;)


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there~ So, long time no see haha I hope you are having a good day. In Germany it has been raining and shining and it's so weird here but I just hope you have better weather at the place you're living. So lately, there has been a few people writing me because they needed someone to talk to. I just wanted to say that I am really, really glad you guys reach out for me, to be honest I appreciate that you take your time and ugh I just love you guys. Seriously, don't feel like a burden when reaching out for me because your happiness is my happiness. I wanted to be a doctor just to help people but my grades are too bad for that haha I did not mean that I want to cure your sadness or anything but the thought of being able to be there for you and to talk to you and to know that you are doing fine, get motivated, get better or dont cut because of my fanfiction or my motivated texts really makes me squeal. I never ever would have thought that any of this would have such huge impact on someone but it probably does to a few and I just wanted to thank you guys. Thank you so much for reaching out, thank you guys so much for not cutting, thank you guys so much for not letting the darkness consume you, thank you so much for standing up, thank you so much for realizing that you need help, thank you so much for willing to accept help and thank you so much for being alive. You guys are amazing and lovely and beautiful and handsome and awesome and wonderful. I hope you will grow from time to time and I'm happy if I get to share this journey with you. Thank you so much, I love you <3

 

 

 

 

**Chapter 23**

 

 

 

 

 

Clarke and Lexa stood silently in line with green eyes reading the tables while the blonde had her head lowered until she mustered up her courage, looked up to the other woman and said in a rather shy voice: “To be honest, I haven’t been in a cinema since forever.” A chuckle was her response yet she did not turn around to look at Clarke and her focus remained to the board, answering: “Yeah, me too.”

 

 

Silence fell onto them again as the blonde clasped her hands together, fiddling with her fingers in embarrassment. It was really idiotic of her to walk backwards with her concentrating on Lexa but she was just being herself. She was just being Clarke, the usual dork and playful girl. But it was obvious that she would bump into someone when walking like that but luckily, there was Lexa who protected her from that step.

 

 

But wait, luckily? The blonde was not sure if it was lucky because thinking about it made her all... feeling fuzzy inside. It was not that Clarke did not like the closeness because the brunette was her friend, she would even call the girl as one of her best friends now. They were friends and the girl just felt comfortable around her, she even called her whenever she was feeling down or whenever she just wanted to distract herself. But this was clearly something new.

 

 

The girl did not quite understand. Sure, they never hugged but there were already small touches like when handing each other a coffee or whatever. In addition, they were on a much closer emotional level but this was something new, this was so fucking new.

 

 

The couple before them thanked the cashier and went away with their newly bought tickets and the girls took a step forward. “Conjuring 2 for two people, please.” Lexa said after she cleared her throat and smiled at the cashier who printed out the tickets silently, his face filled with frustration that were stuffed all in his body years ago, his lips wrinkled down. He gave the girl the tickets silently before saying shortly: “15 € for both.”

 

 

Clarke furrowed her eyebrows at his rudeness, yet she was also a little irritated as Lexa took out her own purse and paid their tickets without saying anything. “Lexa.” She called out as she lifted her hand and held onto the girl’s elbow, trying to hold her back from paying for everything. The girl only looked back, shook her head with a smile on her face before giving the money to the cashier.

 

 

Taking the tickets, they left the spot to stand a little bit further from the cashier with the blonde still holding onto her elbow. “You don’t have to do this.” – “I do.” A chuckle followed as she patted the shorter girl’s head before she made her way to the popcorn counter, leaving the other one standing there, pouting and watching the woman standing before another cashier, ordering something.

 

 

She sighed. What was that? What was she feeling? Why was she feeling like that? Her heart was still pounding hard and whenever she remembered back to those pink plump lips, it seemed like her heart would jump out of her body any second. It made her breathe quicker, it made her hands sweat and her skin would get goose bumps. It was something she never ever felt and the feeling reached from her head to her toe.

 

 

Lexa turned around, a big popcorn bucket in one hand while the other held a big plastic cup of coke she can hardly hold in her arms as a few single popcorn fell down to the ground. The blonde could not help but stare at her figure, gulping, her tongue and lips suddenly getting a burning feeling and she licked them shortly before the girl arrived, handing the blonde the bucket of popcorn.

 

 

“L-Lexa.” The brunette turned to her after she called out, hands fiddling with opening her bag pack to put her purse in. “Can I go to the toilet before we go in?” The older woman only giggled at the question, nodding before taking the popcorn bucket again and putting both things in her hands down to the carpet covered ground. “I’ll wait here. Hurry up, the movie starts in ten minutes.”

 

 

With that, the blonde dashed away and into the toilet room, hurriedly locking herself in one of the stalls. What the fuck was that? The nervousness would not go away and her mouth kept producing too much saliva to hold in. She breathed out, pulled her pants and panties down and sat on the toilet, only to widen her eyes at the sight.

 

 

Her panties had a trail of wetness, it was clearly soaked and totally destroyed. Was she supposed to get her period? But she just got it a week ago, why would she be that wet then?

 

 

_Her fucking pink plump lips_

 

 

Clarke gulped down and bit softly onto her bottom lip. Her mind turned blank for a moment as she only saw Lexa’s lips before her but she quickly shook her head and breathed out. She had to get this image out of her head.

 

 

Wiping it and cleaning it, she quickly stood up, did what she needed to do and went out of the bathroom, only to meet with a Lexa who welcomed her back with a smile, the bought things still laying on the ground before her feet. “I’m sorry that I took so long.” The blonde said apologetically but the other one only waved her off and gave her the bucket of popcorn before she herself took the coke. “Should we go in?” Lexa asked calmly, the smile still plastered on her face and Clarke only nodded, returned a smile and both went in the already dark room who was half full.

 

 

Settling down next to each other and in the middle, Lexa breathed out and chuckled lightly, making the blonde turn her head to the girl with her eyebrows raised after also putting her bag pack down. “I’m glad we got seats right in the middle. That’s much wilder.” Clarke only grimaced and said: “Ugh, I really hate this stupid idea right now.”

 

 

Lexa’s hand moved to the blonde and she held her breath for a moment, her heartbeat quickened but the girl only took a handful of popcorn out of the bucket that was laying on top of Clarke’s leg and stuffed one by one in her mouth, chewing and smiling with puffed cheeks, satisfied with her choice of ordering.

 

 

Clarke could not help but look down, biting softly onto her lip as she stared at the brunette in the corner of her blue eyes who just looked straight forward and made herself comfortable in the big seat, her arms laying on both armrest.

 

 

That fucking jawline

 

 

A laugh emitted from the brunette as she looked at the advertisements that was shown on the big screen, the light of it reflecting on the beautiful, flawless face of her and fuck, the younger girl could not help but stare with her hands gripped to the bucket, her toes curling.

 

 

She turned her head forward and forced a laugh, yet her vision stayed blurry as all she could think of was Lexa’s body before her. She felt the girl’s breathe hit her cheek lightly, her breasts pressed on her, the closing gap between their stomach and the brunette’s long fingers intertwined with her own while her other hand caressed the back of the blonde. Clarke licked her lips and arched her back lightly before she quickly placed her hands down to the seat, gripping on the edges of the past memory.

 

 

Lexa turned around and raised her eyebrows before she came a little closer, her breath hitting the smaller girl’s ear that was covered by blonde locks, asking calmly: “Are you okay?” The blonde gritted her teeth as goose bumps spread on her skin from head to toe, the hair on her back standing up at the warm breath. “Y-Yes. I’m just a little nervous.” She said, her tone having a higher pitch as she turned to the brunette, smiling forcefully, losing herself in the dark green eyes. Lexa only smiled at her before turning back and the light dimmed down, darkening the place.

 

 

What was wrong with Clarke? Why was she feeling like that? She could not stop staring at the beautiful girl and today she seemed even more beautiful, gorgeous. She looked perfect in her eyes and there was something. The feeling when their hands were intertwined was so good and so warm, she still remembered how the warmth flooded from her fingertips to her whole body and the hand on her back, fuck. At the thought of that, Clarke could feel her panties getting soaked.

 

 

But she was not a lesbian or any homosexual, not even bisexual, right? Surely, she had kissed Raven or Octavia in a drunk state before but they would just laugh it off afterwards and give each other compliments on how good of a kisser the trio were but she never really ever had anything going on with a girl.

 

 

It was not that she was against homosexuality or anything like that but she just never experienced other homosexual stuff than kissing her best friends. She was a straight girl, a 100% heterosexual but right now, she was sitting in a cinema seat, wet to her core and that all because she could not help but to think about Lexa’s hand on her lower back.

 

 

And it was new to her because Clarke was a girl who have met a lot of guys, have had sex with a few and was touched really often on that spot but this was clearly something new. It was burning, it was sending electrical waves through her body, it was making her arch her back, it was tickling her spine, it was making her mouth dry and she had to bite onto her bottom lip.

 

 

Her blue eyes turned to the brunette next to her who stopped eating before she herself took a load of popcorn and stuffed everything in her mouth, chewing as she turned forward again, seeing a girl sitting at home watching TV in front of her as the advertisement was about people sitting at home and watching Netflix or something like this, yet her vision soon blurring.

 

 

The wetness between her legs made her feel uncomfortable because she was squirming, she was intoxicated, drunk by Lexa’s touch and even if she never had any real experience with a girl or being homosexual with anyone, she could not lie because she was certain about a thing: Clarke wanted the brunette’s long fingers to touch her on the same spot again, she longed for it, craved for it, needed it.

 

 

A long sigh left her lips and it made the girl next to her turn in her direction before Lexa again scooted a little closer to whisper: “I’m here, Clarke. Don’t worry.” Her fingers slowly and softly placed themselves over the blonde’s hand that was still gripping tightly onto the comfortable seat, taking it, and intertwined themselves with her fingers, squeezing it tightly for a second before the hands were just lying there on the seat.

 

 

Her blue eyes stayed on the hands for a few seconds before she looked up to see a smiling girl who again turned forward to watch the movie that she could not focus on. Furthermore, it was not her intention on holding hands because she was scared. She was indeed scared of the movie but it was not playing any role anymore as she could not focus on that. But now that Lexa was holding her hand, it drove her crazy.

 

 

Sex was an important issue for Clarke because whenever she needed it, she would just call Finn. She cummed a few times but not always, maybe because he was just not that good in bed but at least she had someone to make out with or well, at least someone who would do that what her hands would have done if she was lonely.

 

 

But this was something the blonde could not explain, she did not know how to explain it because she was clearly turned on by a fucking single touch and it was hard to sit there, holding hands with the brunette who was so innocent and pure in Clarke’s eyes. And she could not lie but that touch on her back burned her hard, burned her completely.

 

 

“Aren’t you eating?” Lexa whispered as she leaned in and took another handful of popcorn, her green eyes lingering on the blonde who only turned to her with a blank and darkened expression, shaking her head, excusing that she was too nervous to eat right now. So the brunette took the bucket and laid it on her lap before leaning in again and saying: “I’ll take it so you don’t have to carry it.” Clarke only mouthed a thank you, followed by a smile before both turned forward again.

 

 

The blonde was turned on, was blinded by her lust and she had to swung her leg over the other to suppress the burning, the ache between her legs. She licked her lips shortly as she squeezed the girl’s hand tightly as the screen showed a scary nun standing in the hall of a house. It was scary, fucking scary but she could not concentrate.

 

 

Instead of focusing on anything in her surrounding, she could only feel the tingling feeling and the warmth in her fingertips. She gulped down the saliva that built up and somehow it seemed as if she was producing too much saliva since the last five minutes but it was obvious because Clarke could not help but squirm, yet she tried hard to suppress it.

 

 

She did not want to watch the movie, she did not want to eat popcorn, she did not want to sit in that seat, she did not want to hold hands. Clarke wanted to straddle the brunette’s legs right there in her seat, right there in the cinema. She wanted to plant her lips on those fucking pink plump lips, she wanted to aggressively yet passionately nibble on her full bottom lip. She wanted to graze her tongue softly over her lips before granted entrance and she wanted her tongue to collide with the girl’s wet tongue and hot breath.

 

 

Lexa’s hand suddenly left hers and placed itself on the girl’s thigh before she leaned in, asking in a worried voice: “Are you sure that you’re okay? You have been squeezing my hands the whole time.” Clarke’s eyes only widened at the subconscious act and she quickly turned to the brunette and apologized, saying: “I’m really sorry but I’m okay.” Lexa only smiled and intertwined their fingers again, the warmth spreading from her fingertips right down to the girl’s lower body part.

 

 

Clarke was not okay, she was nowhere near “Okay”. She was wet and feeling hot and as the brunette laid her hand on her thigh, she swore she almost exploded, almost cummed. She wanted to grind herself slowly on Lexa’s lap, she wanted to circle her tongue around Lexa’s, she wanted to suck onto her bottom lips, she wanted to grab a handful of the girl’s hair, pulling onto it so she has better access to her neck before planting her lips on the soft white skin, cherishing, adoring, loving the body of the brunette.

 

 

She gulped as she loosened the grip on Lexa’s hand and turned to the girl beside her. Lexa was totally focused to the movie, mouth full of popcorn yet she could not stop stuffing more into it. The sight was cute and Clarke felt bad for imagining something like that but she could not stop.

 

 

Her blue eyes wandered from the lovely face down to her long neck. Fuck, how she would love to plant her lips onto it, savoring, sucking, kissing, nibbling, licking it. She wanted to suck wildly onto it until it leaves a few red spots, until Lexa pulled her back by her hair because of the pleasuring pain. She wanted to dug her nails into her neck and onto her shoulders, she wanted to scratch it until Lexa hisses in pain before she plants her lips on the same red spots, warming and kissing the pain away.

 

 

Suddenly Lexa turned around, in her hand the coke and she gave it to Clarke, whispering: “Drink something, it will calm you down a little bit.” So she did, she put her lips onto the straw even if she rather put her lips onto the brunette’s collarbone, the cold liquid easing the burn on her tongue, eyes staring at Lexa’s lips yet it was too dark for the other one to notice the hunger, the lust filled eyes that were begging her to take her by the waist and to push her aggressively against a wall, eyes that were begging Lexa to pull her by her hair and to trail her long fingers from her stomach down between her thighs.

 

 

“Are you feeling better?” Clarke snapped out of her daydream and forcefully smiled at the woman, nodding rapidly, the blonde locks whipping up and down. The brunette leaned in again, this time too close and her soft lips touched her ear for a split second: “We can go if you don’t want to watch it.”

 

 

_We can go to my or your place or you can just do me right here_

 

 

“No, it’s okay.” The blonde smiled again before she intertwined her fingers with the warm hand, put the coke in the seat’s armrest and shoved a handful of popcorn in her mouth. Lexa only raised her eyebrows at the weird behavior but decided not to comment on it and only turned her attention back to the movie.

 

 

Clarke laid her arm on the armrest and rested her head on her balled fist, her lips touching her hand lightly. It was too hot and too wet for her to hold it back but she had to. Her lips parted lightly before she subconsciously started to bite softly onto her index finger, licking and sucking it lightly with her eyes focused on the big screen before them. This _ugh_  was going to be a long meeting.

 

 

 

 

_End of Chapter 23_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is my favorite hahahaha I think you know why, ugh i just love it so much. Writing it was really fun and reading it was.. well.. yeah you know hahahha I actually could not stop grinning like a pervert as I wrote that. I hope you had fun too! Please tell me what you think about this chapter in the comments :)


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, Ive been dealing with this kinda problem. There's this girl and Ive fallen in love with her and she said that she likes me too yet she is scared and a very shy person. She never was with a girl and everything just kinda was too much for her so she's been ignoring me for a week now. so this movitation text is also there to build me up because before the ignoring, I was such a big pussy. Like I wanted to kiss her but I was too shy and scared that it was too overwhelming for her so she would leave me right after that but the thing is - don't be scared. the quote "everything you want is on the other side of fear" and it's actually true (mostly). I actually am a very open and confident person but I turned into such a small puppy when it comes to her. It's not me and I'm not happy with me being like this. So yeah, don't be scared that he or she will leave you because youve come to a point where you like a person that much that you just dont wanna hang out like friends. youve come to the point where you just want to hug the person, kiss them, make them happy, get intimate with them - so why be scared that you will loose her? you already lost the image of a friendship the moment you craved for her/his lips so why be scared?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there, I'm really, really sorry that I haven't been able to update. I'm on my vacation and just came back from Turkey and next week I'll be in France so I don't really have time to write or to upload anything (ugh, I miss writing!) so pleeeease be patient and wait for the newer chapters! I know there's not much progress between them but it's because there's so much to come hahaha so yeah, hope you'll understand why I'm not able to do anything + don't think that I'll be abandoning this fanfic because I'm actually really proud of it! so yeah, have a nice day and thanks for reading, I appreciate it a lot <3

 

 

**Chapter 24**

 

 

 

 

 

Both walked out the dark room silently, each in their own mind, one holding the popcorn bucket while the other one held the coke. Coming to a stop, the blonde took a big gulp from the coke before turning to Lexa, handing it to her while grinning and saying: “I’m sorry, I really have to go to the toilet. Would you mind holding this and wait for me?” The taller woman only laughed silently, nodding as she got handed the coke that she also took a sip from.

 

 

The liquid filled her body and she sighed after gulping down the last sip of the coke. Clarke was definitely acting weird and the brunette did not even know why. Did she do something wrong? Maybe the cinema meeting was a bad idea because the blonde was clearly nervous and she could not even keep still.

 

 

Her green eyes wandered down to the popcorn bucket, realizing it was half full before she sighed again, her eyebrows squinted together. Clarke did not even eat much even if it was delicious. The girl took another sip. What could it be? Lexa could not help but try to find every possible reason for the sudden weird behavior of the girl. What was it?

 

 

Was it because Clarke did not like the meeting? Was it because she did not like the popcorn? Or the coke? Was it because the movie was too extreme? It was true that the movie was extreme and to be honest, Lexa almost shed a tear at the tension because sometimes it was getting too much yet she could not help but to keep her eyes on the screen as the movie was as good as the first one.

 

 

Clarke on the other hand looked terrified. Well, not terrified because it was dark and the brunette only could try to spy on her at the corner of her eyes yet it was either too blurry to see or too dark. But she sensed that the girl was staring at her even though she did not know if it was because Clarke wanted to look away from the screen or that she was really staring at her.

 

 

Lexa could not help but groan silently at the confusion, her face full of frustration. What was wrong? What happened? What did she do that the blonde behaved like that? Was it because Lexa held her hand? Did the girl felt uncomfortable with her hand? But if she did, she could have said it because Clarke seemed to be like that type who would directly say something when it was not going her way. In addition to that, the blonde seemed to need her hand as she often would squeeze it. Maybe it was because she tensed up whenever a scary scene came up or she was tensing up all the time but Lexa did not realize that because she was herself totally engulfed in that horror movie.

 

 

What could it be? Was it because she paid for everything? Was Clarke really angry at this? If yes, that would be such an absurd thing to be angry at because it did not matter. Money did not matter when it was about creating memories, that was what Titus taught her and she really wanted to create memories with Clarke, the person who seemed like a really good friend since forever.

 

 

Another sigh left her lips before she stuffed a handful of popcorn in her mouth, chewing loudly, the frustration now not only seen in her expression but also in the way she chewed the sweet taste between her teeth. Was it because she got too close? Was it because Clarke did not like the closeness? Was it because she did not like to hold hands? Was it because Lexa had to pull the girl to herself before she bumped into some stranger again?

 

 

Could it be… Could it be that she was too gay with Clarke? The girl gritted her teeth for a moment, staring at the ground. Lexa was gay, indeed. Well, nobody really knew about it other than she herself.

 

 

She realized that when she first was fourthteen years old and loved her best friend Costia but then the girl just left her without telling her a reason. It broke her or better said: her world broke apart because Costia was just Costia and the brunette fell in love with every inch of that girl. From the smile to her tears, from her head to her toes. She loved the girl from inside and on the outside but there was something. Maybe Costia got bored of her or found someone better and she just left, leaving a heartbroken girl behind who started to question her existence.

 

 

But Costia was not her only lover, she tried boys before and after that but Lexa was certain that she could never ever love anyone like Costia again. Boys may be attractive but that was it, so she decided to label herself as a lesbian or whatever that is besides labels.

 

 

A familiar figure made its way to her and she looked up, only to see a blonde all sweaty walking to her, her face having a bright red color, her chest going up and down, breathing heavily. “Are you okay?” The brunette asked, eyebrows raised as she checked the girl’s appearance who only nodded shyly and tried to straighten her blonde, wavy hair. “I’m sorry that I took so long, there was a long line.”

 

 

Lexa only chuckled before she put the bucket down, the coke following before she stood up and reached for the blonde’s hair, caressing it and straightening the messy hair, only to stop in her mid act. “I-I’m sorry.” Her hands slowly slid back and behind her back as she realized how taken aback the girl before her was and she could not help but feel guilty and mentally scolded herself for doing something like this.

 

 

The blonde blushed even more before she only grinned and said in a sweet voice: “Hey, don’t worry. I like it when you touch me.” The response made Lexa’s ear twerk up, the green eyes widening before she breaks into a laugh as she saw the blonde looking shyly to the ground, fingers fiddling with the edge of her jacket. “You sure do.” She could not help but joke and winked at the girl who met her eyes for a second before she quickly looked to the ground again, the redness on her face turning into a crimson one.

 

 

“Hey, do you want to go somewhere else or do you want to go home? It’s already six o’clock so decide.” Clarke looked back up, staring into green eyes who slowly but also shyly smiled at her, green eyes turning into crescents. Lexa knew she was not supposed to joke around and she was also very surprised at the sudden unexpected response of the blonde but she herself was feeling nervous and all she could do about it was to joke around. The brunette was always one who would joke around if she was at the edge of showing her true self. She would joke just to distract, just to get to another topic or lift the mood.

 

 

“To be honest, I’m a little bit tired right now and it’s Wednesday, I still got school tomorrow.” Clarke trailed off, the guilt clearly seen in her face as she dared not to look up into the green eyes. “Maybe just take a walk before we go home?” She asked before her blue eyes averted up, locking hers with Lexa’s lovely eyes while she tried to suppress a yawn, the tears building up at the corner of her eyes and her mouth wrinkled up a bit. She only smiled shyly at the brunette who also returned a heartily smile.

 

 

Lexa kneeled down to take the bucket and the coke before standing up straight, smiling at the still blushing girl even if she had a soft color of red in her face too, asking: “Do you still want some popcorn and coke?” – “Sure. I can carry it.” The blonde quickly took the bucket and shoved a few popcorns in her mouth, smiling before nodding her head to the exit, signalizing the other woman to follow her out of the building and Lexa only smiled at the goofy girl but still followed right behind her, sipping shortly on the coke as her eyes never left the petite figure.

 

 

Once outside the building, the wind hit their faces and Clarke grimaced at the coldness, one hand still holding the bucket while the other trying to zip up her open jacket without noticing the brunette staring and smiling at her behavior. “Cold?” Lexa asked as they began to walk with the blonde leading, once in a while shoving popcorn in her mouth, nodding to the question.

 

 

“Aren’t you cold?” – “No, my heart is colder.” The girl only laughed at her own joke and also earned a chuckle from the blonde next to her. “Hey Lexa.” The petite woman called out, slowing her steps as she looked to her right, waiting for the other girl to finish drinking and to turn her focus to her. Lexa only crooked an eyebrow at her, waiting before hearing “Would you mind walking me home instead of taking a walk without any destination?” Lexa nodded silently, smiling. “I hope it’s okay for you, I’m just really tired right now.” The brunette chuckled, nudging the girl’s arm with her own, saying in a cheerful voice: “Hey, I understand that. To be honest, I feel pretty tired too.” – “Really?” Lexa chuckled and faked a yawn and asking right after that: “See? Totally tired.” That only made the girl next to her smile and nudge her with her arm again.

 

 

“Is this going to be some nudge war here?” The brunette joked and somehow she was making a fool out of herself but she could not stop joking. Clarke giggled until silence fell onto them and it was already dark yet both lonely figures walked down the street, both holding onto something while the other hand was in their pocket, keeping them from the cold.

 

 

“I’ll pay for the next time, no discussion allowed. Okay?” The husky voice said as she stopped abruptly, her body turning to the brunette who only looked at her surprised before breaking into a smile, shrugging and saying: “Yes, why not?”

 

 

Silence fell upon them until the brunette spoke up again, asking softly: “So.. did you like the movie?” She turned to the girl who stayed silent for a few seconds as she stared at the ground, cheeks burning with a pitch of red on them. “I do but it was very scary, I rarely could watch it because I would have to turn away.” – “Yeah, I could see that.” The blonde looked up with her eyebrows raised before she said, the surprise clearly heard in her voice: “How?” This caused Lexa only to chuckle and wink at the girl: “Well, you were clearly staring at me, weren’t you?” A smirk crept up her face as she realized that she made Clarke blush furiously and she laughed out loud as she could not contain the funny feeling inside her anymore. “I-I was not!” The smaller girl defended and Lexa only laughed more at the childish behavior, yet did not comment on it anymore but winked at the girl who rolled her eyes before joining the laughter too.

 

 

It was cute how Clarke behaved and yes, it was absolutely childish but she liked it. They were older than eighteen years old and the brunette always felt that the childish part of her was missing but now, she was glad that she met the blonde or else she would never ever meet her own childish side again. Looking to her left, she could not help but grin even wider at the laughing blonde.

 

 

Her blue eyes were so small when she was laughing and when she laughed, she would tilt her head back as if there were no worries or problems in the world. When she laughed, her nose would wrinkle up a little bit and it was just a lovely sight. Not only that, her husky voice would fill Lexa’s ear and it automatically made her smile or even laugh too because happiness was clearly shown in the girl’s face.

 

 

She did not know why Clarke came out all sweaty of the bathroom nor did she know why the blonde locks were all messed up that she had to help the girl but the sight just made her grin. What a kid she was and oh, how glad Lexa was that the girl bumped into her twice.

 

 

It was true, their first “bumping” was just awkward. The girl still remembered how frustrated she was on that day. She could not remember what it was but she still knew the pain the girl caused on her arm, yet she did not remember if the pain was caused because she fell down her butt or because she cut herself on her arms a day before everything happened.

 

 

A sigh left the brunette’s lips silently as she looked over to the blonde who was busily eating popcorn and smiled before she asked: “You like it?” The blue eyes averted themselves to the feminine figure before nodding, her mouth too full to answer which caused Lexa to smile at her. “I already thought you didn’t like it because I was the only one eating back in the cinema.” At the response, Clarke furrowed her eyebrows and waved her hand before the girl’s face, causing her to chuckle in amusement before taking a sip at the half full big cup of coke. “No, no, no! I love it, I was just…” The girl paused and bit her lip, the embarrassment showing all over her face. “I was just too scared.” Lexa laughed and shrugged, giving the girl her coke to take a few sips all the while saying: “Fair enough.”

 

 

They walked for another moment in silence until the Clarke came to a sudden stop, causing the other to stop too. “Here we are, this is my home.” She said as she looked at a big house, standing still with brown bricks plus big, great windows and it just looked welcoming as the brunette also laid her green eyes at the house. “Okay.” She replied to the statement as she looked down to the girl, trying hard to hide her emotions because the sadness softly tucked at her heart and she wished that the walk did not end that fast.  

 

 

Lexa expected her to turn around, her short legs dragging herself to her home and she was about to turn her head and body forward again and to wave as a goodbye, yet only to feel the blonde coming closer, taking her off guard and wrapping her slim arms around the brunette who was pulled down a little bit and into a hug. She could not help but to hold her breath, the warmth spreading from her chest up to her cheeks, darkening the red color on her cheeks as the sweet scent emitting from the blonde filled her nostrils.

 

 

“Thank you, Lexa.” Clarke said between the muffled sounds as her face was hidden in the dark locks, her grip tightening before the taller woman sighed out softly, also wrapping her arms gently around the waist beneath the jacket. “Hey, you don’t have to thank me. It’s just money. Money doesn’t mean anything when it comes to creating memories.” A shaking of the girl’s head was to her response before she squinted her eyebrows together and waited for the girl to say something, yet she only met silence.

 

 

Lexa felt how the girl’s chest heaved up and down slowly against her, the blonde caressing and falling into her face, filling her with the sweet scent of the woman’s perfume and she swore, she felt as if time stopped for a moment, only to break out of that thought as the girl spoke up again, this time whispering gently into her ears: “Thank you for being here. I know, I have said that a lot but I just feel like it is not enough. I don’t know, I just feel as if all my problems are washed away when you are here.”

 

 

Clarke nuzzled her head even closer in the girl’s neck and she tensed up a little bit but soon relaxed again in the hug, the grip around the girl’s waist tightening. “I told you.” Lexa said gently, now whispering too, shaking her head. “I’m here and I won’t go away.” The brunette could feel her lips’ wrinkling upwards against her ear before answering: “I’m here for you too.”

 

 

 

Lexa chuckled softly against the girl’s neck, nodding before she heard the girl taking a deep breath and loosening the grip around her neck, making her to slowly let go of the woman too, the warmth instantly missing. “Thank you.” The brunette said, softly as she smiled at the woman before her who smiled back in return, saying: “Good night, Lexa.” A nod was her response and she only watched the blonde smiling and lowered her gaze down shortly before quickly turning and going into her house.

 

 

Lexa turned around too and made her way downtown. Luckily, she knew where she was because she used to jog around the town and already went around this neighborhood. While walking, she looked down to see the coke in her hands and grinned before taking a sip.

 

 

The brunette totally forgot to ask if the girl wanted to take her coke too because actually, she was drinking and it was slowly irritating her that she had to hold it all the time. A sigh left her lips before the edges wrinkled upwards again.

 

 

It was a lovely day and well, Lexa was not that much into the horror genre but it was nice to see how others and especially the blonde reacted and if she had to be honest, the movie was actually pretty good. But she would care more about the blonde because the girl seemed really stiff, seemed really uncomfortable and she just could not sit still for a minute as she would always cross her legs over the other, switching from left to right and either fiddle with her hands or squish them under her crossed legs.

 

 

Lexa knew that the girl was trying to stay still but she could not and she wanted to look her into the face and ask her what was wrong but she did not dare. Curiosity was killing her but Clarke made it clear that she liked that the girl was there for her, without asking much or anything so she did not do it. She did not want to destroy that image of her, she wanted to fulfill it.

 

 

Even though she wanted to be there for the girl emotionally, she could not because it was simply not her business. Yet she was there for the blonde physically and it was enough for the girl but Lexa wanted more, she was certain of that because nobody should ever get to deal with their problems alone nor get the feeling that nobody is there to help them.

 

 

It was natural and a duty of a friend to be there for someone, right? Clarke was special, the girl treated her right and she just have that talent of distracting Lexa and the brunette really needed that. It was not that the girl did not trust her but telling the blonde her own problems may have consequences.

 

 

Clarke probably liked her because she joked a lot and most likely because the girl was not pushy, because she was there without being really there. Something like that. Maybe because Lexa tried hard to suppress her negative emotions in front of her. Maybe because she listened whenever the girl had something to share. Maybe because she would stay hours on the phone, just listening to her breathing because it calmed the blonde down. Maybe because she was just being really good to Clarke. But would she also like the negative side of Lexa?

 

 

A low sigh left her lips and the brunette took another sip as she stopped walking and looked around her, chuckling sadly as her green eyes wandered around the area and realizing that she was standing before the entrance of the flower garden.

 

 

 

 

_End of Chapter 24_

 

 

 

 

 


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! I just wanted to say that it's okay to be sad sometimes. To not be able to set the foot down the bed and go through your daily stuff. it's okay to keep away from your social life. it's okay not to write back because you just don't feel like it. it's okay to be sad without a reason. it's okay not to be able to cope with life. it's okay to see the mess in life and not being able to do anything. Please don't force yourself to do something because if you don't feel like it, the results will be meh anyway.. I got a friend who's going through something like that and it's actually totally alright. Everybody sometimes feels like that and not being able to do anything doesn't make you a bad person because you're still you even if it seems like you're a fucked up mess. I hope you accept that it's okay to be like that. Just lay down, try to calm down (maybe you got the feeling that everythings just moving too fast) with some music and some tea and stare at the ceiling or watch your favorite series (I've been watching brooklyn99, try that!) and just make sure that it's okay to be like that, take it as a day off from life! But I hope you realize that you need to stand up again because everything's temporary

 

 

 

 

 

_**Chapter 25** _

 

 

 

 

 

It has been weeks since that person had not written her. And gosh, she had been waiting and waiting but nothing ever came. She would have come in the evening, around that time because the girl was afraid that someone would see her exchanging letters, because Lexa was afraid that someone or her letter friend would identify her.

 

 

She did not want anyone to ever know this side of hers because the girl was known as a sunshine and it was good that people expected that from her. It was not about her image, it was because she was afraid that people will not like her anymore. It was because she did not want to be a disappointment for anyone because if anyone ever found it out, they would tell it to others. And what if these news go to Titus?

 

 

Titus was an active member when it came to her education because he tried his best to be there for her, even if it meant to gather around with teachers and other parents to just sit around and discuss about stupid things like who should be the head of the parents in that grade. And what if her classmates or anyone in school found out about her true inner self? What if they tell their parents and they discuss it with others? What if Titus found it out? And worse: What if Titus found out over some parent and not over her?

 

 

She sighed as she caressed her thump over the red letter in between her fingers. “How long has it been?” The girl voiced out quietly to no one as darkness consumed her whole body, only the lamp that was a bit far away in the park made the girl see the outline of a paper on the ground and picked it up, the fingers rapidly and blindly touching the familiar surface.

 

 

Suddenly her hands fell to her sides, the letter still tightly held in her sweaty palm before she leaned forward until her forehead touched the cold, rough surface of the tree. She closed her eyes and breathed in, the grip on the letter tightening as she listened to the paper crunching softly in her hands.

 

 

It has been long, so long but Lexa was glad that she did not give up her hope and went here. She would lie if she said that she just went here accidentally because she clearly had intention to go here. It was simply because she still had hope and she sighed softly before opening the letter, only to see the familiar hand writing that suited a girl.

 

 

 

_“Dear you, you are not a monster, you are human, a whole human being. Whatever they tell you, don’t listen to them because who are they to judge? I may not know you but I bet you are beautiful, lovely and unique. Simply because you are you and that is what makes you beautiful. People have flaws and it is not okay to be judged. Sometimes you do stupid things but we should learn to forgive and to forget. No one is perfect, neither are you and neither am I and that is okay. In addition: you get to decide who is going to hurt. Don’t keep that weight on your shoulders, talk to me. I’m here.”_

 

 

 

Lexa chuckled lightly and held the grin on her face. She was not sure if she was smiling because that person or probably that “girl” was writing her back, trying to motivate her, trying to do anything to just lift up her mood or she was smiling because this was ridiculous.

 

 

It was ridiculous because the “girl” thought it was someone probably bullying or harassing her and she clearly did not know that it was Lexa herself saying those bad things to her. She knew it was ridiculous to call them monster but they just did things that made her feel inhuman, that made her feel that life is not worth living anymore.

 

 

A sigh left her lips as her thump caressed over the material, feeling the connection between her and that stranger deepening. “I wish you were here.” Lexa whispered to the letter and she knew it was stupid but gosh, she just wanted to be in the arms of this person or of any person and she just wanted to cry her heart out. Another deep sigh left her lips again because she just wanted to be herself for once in her lifetime.

 

 

Blinking the tears that slowly build up on the corners of her eyes, she looked up, left and right, only to see darkness consume her and she quickly and carefully folded it and stuffed the letter in her bag before making her way out of the flower garden, hoping that nobody has seen her.

 

 

Why was she behaving like that? Why was she even hiding it? She could just go out and tell it to the world, show her scars and cuts to the world because she knew that she was not the only one having so much sadness in her. But fuck, what was holding her back?

 

 

Lexa stopped and tilted her head back, dark green eyes locked to the dark sky that was filled with shining stars. A sigh left her lips again. So? Fuck them.

 

 

_But you care too much about what other people think of you._

 

 

The girl gritted her teeth before looking out straight and taking her path home again.

 

 

_You care way too much. You care when someone says you look fat in that outfit. You care when they laugh at the big marks written on your exams. You care when they give you that weird stare._

 

 

Her hands balled themselves into fists and she swallowed the saliva down her throat. She hated that her inner self had so much power over her and she hated that she made herself so small but how can she not?

 

 

_They already think you are pathetic enough. Showing them your scars and cuts will only make you an attention whore._

 

 

_And what about Titus? Do you really want the whole school to discuss about a girl that cuts herself and thinks about dying literally every day? Do you want the stories to go to the parents and then to Titus? Do you really want to hurt Titus? You keep saying that you want to make him proud but look at you. It’s a wonder that he has not got a burn out syndrome yet._

 

 

Squinting her eyebrows, she shook her head from left to right, aggressively biting down her bottom lip. Why would she ever think that it was a good idea to even tell a friend? But what about Clarke? She could have just told her because they were friends. They were friends, close friends right?

 

 

_Clarke only likes you because you listen to her problems, nothing more. Do you really think that she is interested in yours? No, why would she be interested in someone’s problems when she got enough of her own?_

 

 

“But we are close friends. She hangs out with me and I don’t tell her much yet she still hangs out with me. She likes me.. I think that she likes me.. She likes me, right?” Lexa whispered to the sky and got no answer. This was ridiculous.

 

 

She chuckled at herself and wrapped her arms around her body as the cold breeze of the night swept through her clothes, the cold crawling under the textile and under her skin, head lowering as her stare fixed straight forward, legs moving again. Why would she ever think that telling anyone would be good at all?

 

 

Her sadness or whatever it was… it was something personal, something only she knew about yet she did not understand it. Lexa did not know exactly what it was because she was behaving so weird. Small and sad events would make her ache for a whole week or even longer. The ache would make it hard for her to go out, would make it her wanting to live.

 

 

And why was she even cutting herself? Sometimes she just needed to see blood to feel alive again. Sometimes she also just needed to punish her for the things she did. And she knew that cutting will not solve any problems, she knew that, fuck she knew that. But still, she could not stop at the sight of the razor sliding on her skin in the same motion, cutting her open.

 

 

Was it depression? Lexa did not know. That question was asked so many times but Lexa simply did not know. Maybe she knew the answer, maybe. Well, the brunette actually did a lot of quizzes on the internet and they always told her to get help from a therapist or from a psychologist because she clearly has depression according to the quizzes. But.. they were just stupid quizzes on the internet, right?

 

 

That is also the reason why she would not want to tell anyone. Why tell them something that she was not sure about? Why tell them and let them worry? Especially Titus. Why would she tell Titus that she was having “depression” when she was not even sure about it? That is like telling him that she was pregnant, yet she was clearly not, right?

 

 

A sigh left her lips as she slowed down, her eyes laying themselves on a bench as she realized that she made a detour and found herself in the middle of the city that seemed emptier than at daytime. Her legs dragged her to the bench and she sat down, the bag laying next to her as she looked straight forward before turning and taking the letter out.

 

 

Who was that girl? Lexa was not sure if it was a girl but that stranger seemed like one so she was just going to assume that the stranger was female. But seriously, who was that girl? Why was she writing her back? Did she think that Lexa was calling out for help?

 

 

Lexa was not sure if it was a call of help. She started this because she just needed to let her feelings out and the only way was to write letters. The girl tried writing a diary but it was lonesome. As if she still had to hide herself. It may be not logical but maybe deep inside she wanted someone to know so she wrote letters to anyone to read.

 

 

She did not know how many have read her letters and decided to put it back in its places. She did not know how many people have seen the letter yet decided to ignore it. She did not know how many of her letters were picked up and thrown into the trashcan. She did not know. She only knew that this stranger who was writing her right now, was the very first one who reached out for her.

 

 

On one hand she was thankful and glad that they reached out, that they put effort into writing the letters as they really try to be there and help Lexa and that made the brunette not feel alone. It made her hope become a little bit bigger than before because there was someone who cared, someone she did not know at all. Well, Titus cared too but he would suffer from the mental pain when she would tell him about her secrets. But this stranger did not know her, they did not know how she looked like, how she was of a person and she was glad that there was someone like that. At least, that someone will not get hurt because they do not know Lexa.

 

 

One the other hand, she was afraid. She was afraid because she did not know who it was. It can be someone who just wants to play with her, be the good person and then stab her in the back when it is time. But that was not possible, right? They do not know her, right? She hoped that they do not know her. It would be worse if it was one of her friends, maybe one of her classmates, maybe anyone who saw her sunshine self and now saw her dark side. She was afraid that anyone would just blurt out her secrets.

 

 

But if she was honest then she would say that she was willing to pay for that price because fuck. She was feeling too much, she was thinking too much yet she could not do anything against it at all. She did not know what it was but it was eating her up, it was choking her, it was punching against her chest repeatedly, it was making her sick, it was making her want to cry and punch everything and to cut herself and to fucking die. Yes, all that she was hiding from the world, it secretly made her want to stop breathing, it made her want to just stop living life.

 

 

Lexa’s green eyes looked up from the ground, only to see the familiar door and the familiar building. Letting out a sigh, she took her hands out of her pockets with the keys dangling between her fingers and went up the three stairs in front of the door before unlocking it and going in. It was quiet, yet the lights in the kitchen and the living room were turned on. The brunette raised her eyebrows and let her bag slowly and carefully sliding down her shoulder and landing softly and quietly on the ground next to her.

 

 

Going into the living room, she saw her uncle laying soundly asleep on the couch, his right arm resting on his forehead, his chest going up and down quietly with him snoring softly. She chuckled lightly at the sight before walking quietly to him and standing in front of him, observing the old man. He had a lot of wrinkles on his forehead and his nose was bigger than hers. The cheekbones were clearly seen, his eyebrows were squinted together and whenever he breathed in, his nostrils would get bigger and he had an expression full of exhaustion.

 

 

The brunette’s face darkened slowly as her lip wrinkles turned down at the sight. He looked sad, stressed out and so exhausted. It was not near nine o’clock, yet he was laying on the couch sleeping. Every day he would come home around eight o’clock and cook for Lexa, then he would shower and then straightly go to sleep. But today was weird. He was still in his working clothes and she felt bad but she did not dare to wake him up so she just took the blanket that was laying on the armchair next to the couch and laid it over him softly, trying not to wake him up.

 

 

Sighing at the sight, she slowly made her way into the kitchen only to stop abruptly at the door as she could not believe what she was seeing: a table covered with two empty plates, two forks, two knifes, two cups, all placed neatly next to the plate. Two more plates were placed between the empty ones, these were filled with meat and salad.

 

 

Without a warning, the tears slowly slid down her cheeks and to her chin before it silently fell down to the cold hard floor beneath her feet. Did he wait for her? Did he really cook everything before going to sleep? It smelled lovely and Lexa was damn hungry but…

 

 

A sob echoed in the room before she quickly covered her mouth with her hands, the hot liquid yet still falling down her burning cheeks as Titus’ face popped before her sight. He must have cooked for her and laid down on the couch to wait for her but probably have fallen asleep. And gosh, he must have been so exhausted yet he still waited for her to come home to dig into the lovely made meal.

 

 

Pressing her eyes together, she exhaled loudly and caught a breath before opening her green eyes again, her hands slowly falling lifelessly to her sides as her body leaned itself to the door frame, the chest heaving up and down as she stood there silently, eyes darkened.

 

 

Titus was exhausted, too exhausted. Too exhausted for her problems. Too fucking exhausted. And probably he was not the only one that was exhausted with life too. He was just another human who had his problems, his tiredness, his stress and his exhaustion.

 

 

No. No, she will not tell him about her problems. She will not tell anyone about her problems. No, she has to stay strong. At least before him and everyone else. When she is alone then it will be alright to be herself, the ugly herself.

 

 

Sighing, she tip toed to him, teeth pressing down to suppress the sobs as she took the thin blanket lying on top of one of the many shelves in the living room and slowly but softly placed it on the sleeping body, tucking him in like a baby.

 

 

She stood back and stared at him silently as her tears slowly slid down her cheeks once again. She has to be strong because she was an adult anyway, so she could not be some weak ass kid anymore. The brunette bit down hard onto her bottom lip and tasted blood before she nodded to the man in front of her, more tears now streaming down her eyes before she quickly turned away and silently went into her room, closing the door behind her softly.

 

 

The bag slid down her shoulder and landed with a soft thud on the floor before silence embraced her and she leaned against the closed door, suddenly breaking, the sobs now unable to hold back even if she gritted her teeth harder than before until her jaw was hurting. The girl had to lay her hand over her mouth to tone down the sound of the sobs because she was afraid that she would wake up Titus or that anyone would find out her true inner self.

 

 

“Fuck everything.” Lexa whispered and cupped her face in her hands. “Why am I like this? Why can’t I be just some fucking normal girl? Why can’t I never be good enough for anyone? Why can’t I fulfill their expectations?”

 

 

Sliding down the door, she just sat there and let the tears stream, eyes darkened and staring into the distance as she wiped the tears away, her mascara ruined and darkening her cheeks and eyes before her hands tangled themselves in her hair. She was done. She was tired. She was fucking tired of all this bullshit.

 

 

“Fuck this!” She cried a bit louder and kicked the bag out of frustration as it flew across the room before cupping her face again. “I can’t do this anymore.” Lexa whispered in between sobs. “Everything is fucked up. Why can’t I just die?” Looking up the ceiling, she whispered: “Why do you have to go first? Mom.. Dad.. Why did you have to go first? Why couldn’t you just take me with you?”

 

 

It was stupid to think like that, it was fucking stupid for her to wish for something like this but everything was hurting, everything was breaking, crumbling and all she could do is see herself breaking. She was so done, just so so done.

 

 

Her hands fell flat next to her, eyes closing as she just leaned against the door like a lifeless body, her breathing slowly steadying again.

 

 

Nobody was there for her. Nobody. Fucking nobody. No Titus. No Clarke. No one. She was alone because she was the one who wanted to be alone, who decided not to tell anyone about her depression. So she has to suck it up and play the fine girl again. Play the happy girl in front of her family member, in front of her friends, in front everyone.

 

 

Lexa opened her eyes again, the silence broken by her quiet sobs and her harsh breathing but even if there was noise, she felt lonely. The girl knew that she was not the only one having depression and everyone was living on but the thought of being also another human being who yet was not willing to live on was a devastating and sad truth.

 

 

“No one.” The brunette whispered to herself as she let her eyes gaze the dark room that was lit by the brightly shone moon, accompanying her through the night.

 

 

“No one.” She repeated again until her green eyes came to a stop as they found themselves putting their attention towards the oh so familiar letter that has fallen out of her bag, laying silently on the bedroom floor.

 

 

 

 

_End of Chapter 25_

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there! My name is Jennie Nguyen.
> 
> I started to write fanfics when I was 11 but then stopped for 4-5 years until now. I'm starting again with a new ship, a new fandom and I hope you liked the story so far.
> 
> I will try to update on a regular basis which means every couple of days if I get the time to do it.
> 
> If you liked my writing and can't wait for the future chapters, you can check out my smut:  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/8859163
> 
> Leave a comment or some Kudos if you feel like it, it would be a comfirmation that you like my story and it will encourage me to write me and I'd be happy :) Thanks!


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